Feminism

How am I supposed to write an essay about feminism? I self have self subscribed myself to the category of "anti-feminist". And just on the eve of my presentation I am plagued, yet again (for this plague is a monthly torment to my organically female being) by this sickness, this punishment for my desire for knowledge. Have we not been punished enough? Yes the epidural is a welcomed respite from the pain we women must endure (a non-godsend I'm sure a woman dreamed up), but why must we MONTHLY be made to endure this torture?!?

I'm asking myself this as I sit in class listening to a lecture on feminism as a critical theory in literature. All the knowledge and desire to learn leaves my thoughts and is replaced by "will this MAN (though a gay man struggling with his own gender roles and place in society) PLEASE not go over class time! I'm woefully unprepared to stop this bleeding for even another minute! And you wouldn't understand" well, there's my punishment for wanting of the fruit of knowledge...knowledge is stripped from me as my feminine functions take center stage in my mind.

As I consider the consequences of my unpreparedness for the period that came a week and a half early, much longer than expected (in tampon terms) class, I realize our entire first half was to discuss "what makes a person one gender or sex an not another" while the roles that a prescribed to each are unfortunate functions of society with little imagination...nature is making me bleed...I am therefore woman.

Ugh.


- Cory (from the phone)

My Mood

My mood is always purple and pink these days. "Love, Romance, Very Happy, Passion". I'm so deeply in love. It's almost ridiculous. I am meant to be with Leon, for now and for forever. I know this with one hundred percent of my heart. I've found my soul mate, I've found my other half. Everything is so perfect and so wonderful. It's only been a month (or 4 depending on how you look at it) but I've never known something more than I know this. I'm sure there will come a time when we might fight...I actually look forward to the first time that happens...because I know I'll love him more each and every day and with each and every new adventure and new moment we share, even in arguments, just as in joy I'll know, like I know now that he is the epitome of love and happiness in my life. I only hope I can do everything for him, and give everything to him, and more, that he gives to me. 

I love you Leon.

The EX

Anyone who has ever had an "ex" knows what it is like. All the things that you ever loved about them just melt away, and all you are left with is the raw, unromanticized, ugly version of that person. The "love is blind" no longer applies when the love is gone. Dislike is never blind. You see every flaw, if there is anything you miss it is from the good of that person. At least that's how I feel. In particular with how I feel about my evil ex-husband. Right now I feel so scared, and lost...and even alone. I have an amazing boyfriend...he wants to help me...as much as he can...he wants to be there for me...but...I don't know. I don't know why I can't ask him for help, or accept his help. I feel like it wouldn't be right...but I think more than that...it kind of also stems from a bit of mistrust. In a weird way...if I totally mistrusted him (and were a bit of an evil person myself) I would just take all I could get from him...take, take, take. But it goes a little deeper than that I think. To a place I don't even understand. I love him...I want to be with him...but right now, we can't even legally be together. And we have to kind of sneak around...and everyone has their opinions about us...and as much as I just want to jump head first and believe in what I've always dreamt of, always wanted, true love and all that happily-ever-after stuff, and believe that, without taking the time to test the waters, our love could possibly be deep enough to keep me from splitting my head open when my care-free dive encounters what could possibly be a shallow pool...or perhaps our love might be deep enough...but all the bloody boulders sticking their way in...they're hard to miss. Don't know if that metaphor translated from my head well...but the point is...I'm trying so hard to trust and at times I am SO sure...SOOOOO sure...but then something like him offering to help comes up...and I just don't feel like I deserve it, like I'm good enough, or worth it...and maybe if I accepted it he would see it too...does that even make sense? I don't think that really does...but here I am crying about it...so somehow, in my own head it must.

I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.

My Gorgeous Man

I haven't posted in quite a while. I tend to post more to complain or vent than I do to talk about how blissfully happy I am. Well..I've never been this blissfully happy before. I'm in love. "Haven't we been here before Cory?" Sure. I've said "I'm in love" before. But has it ever been this? Have I ever felt this before? No. But that's the beauty of life. I've thought I've felt something as powerfully as I possibly could...but that's only because I hadn't felt the next thing yet. And with him...each next thing, is the next thing. And it's all him. It hasn't been long. I'm not going to lie, it's been a crazy short amount of time. But in that time, I have felt more than I have ever felt before, and he has been more than anyone else has been before. And the past is melting away. The pain is melting away. In his arms I feel completely whole, I feel completely safe. And I trust. I never trust, but him I trust.

I want this to be it, I want him to be it. To be the one. To be everything. Each day is new and exciting and an amazing adventure. And I see my life with him, and I'm always smiling. Happiness as I look at him over dinner. Happiness as I walk down the aisle to his side. Happiness as we hold our baby in our arms. And the one that makes me happy and makes me see all these things has a face now. When I used to see my life ahead of me, those things yet to be, I saw the things, I saw the happiness and the love, but I never saw him. I had no face to the one that would be my everything, because I hadn't seen him yet. Now that I have, his is the only face I see. I still have my fears, I don't want to lose him, to lose this...but the reward is worth the risk and I'm willing to risk it all for what I see with him, how I feel for him.

I don't get any readers here, which I really don't mind. I write for me, I write for a record and a release. I like to look back and reflect on how I have felt in the past. I won't look back now, I know I had a dark time recently, I just want to move forward now. But I know that I was in such a dark place due to the darkness that I had let into my life. And now I have a light. A light that is all encompassing in my world, filling every moment with warmth. I feel like I can do anything, that life is possible, love is here, and I don't have to worry or stress.

I'm going to give a little story to explain, in part, how he makes me feel. After a few years of battling my "allergies"...some of you know about this plague to my life. I'm allergic to stress apparently. And pretty much daily I am at risk for breaking out in severe hives. Wherever gets the breakout (usually a place that gets an extra amount of "friction" i.e. my hands b/c of massage, feet b/c of waitressing, throat is I have a cough, etc. etc.) feels like a fire has broken out, it itches like poison oak, and feels like either a severe bruise that is being constantly poked, or a broken bone if it is in some locations like around a joint. Nothing seemed to help, no matter what I couldn't not be "stressed" it would seem. It didn't matter if I felt life was going well, or that nothing was bothering me...I was happy...still had the issue. Steroids helped, but as my mom called it the "moon face" wasn't worth it really (nor was the passing out 30 minutes after taking my meds due to my easily influenced grogginess with meds). And then I found "ranatadine" now, how an acid reducer prevents hives is beyond my scope of knowledge...but it works pretty well. Too much acid, too much stress, or missing a dosage will generally result in a breakout though. But the doctor that finally found a manageable solution to the issue said that she had had the same issue at one point in her life, but that she had been able to get over it completely without medicine. She had been given a beautiful gift by her parents though...they told her she could drop out of med school, move back in and that they would support her 100%, financially and otherwise. Well..sadly I'm not with that option, and (as much as I love them) sometimes my parents are the greatest cause of my stress...so it's been almost 6 years now...and no relief except that which my twice daily medicine provides. I know this is a long story for this short explanation...I feel that level of calm, security, stress-free, safe, love, relief....from him, from being with him.

Ok...I'm so sleepy, and the screen is starting to kill my eyes in the dark here...but the point of all of this...I love him. Leon...I love Leon...forever.

How can I still love him?

I miss him...I'm drunk...so does it really count? How could I have ever loved him? Yet alone now? I miss him. I don't know that I miss him as much as what I thought he was. I trusted him, and I believed he loved me. I could hold him in my arms and feel whole. Like I was loved, Like I was treasured. But it was a lie. And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to find that again. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. And I blame him...I could still be with Josh...I know that's not right...but I'm so alone. I'm so alone...

Today and Everyday

I'm done. I'm so done...I hate all the bullshit...I hate men...I hate relationships...I'm done. I'm lost and broken and I don't know what to do. I want to believe there's something out there, something better...but I'm far too impatient to wait for it. That's what it all comes down to...impatience...I want it now, I want to have my happy ending now. Oh...ouch! Happy "ENDING" I don't like the sound of that...I want to have my happy beginning now. I messaged Jeff last night...haha...stupid. I don't care though, I was drunk and it was something to do.

I went to Disneyland with Mike (Irish Mike)...he's a lost cause.

I was supposed to go with Joshua (Rebound), but he wanted to slow things down and put space between us b/c he is afraid of getting attached. I get it. He leaves Monday, I think, for his training which will have him gone for about 5 weeks. Then he's only here till October before he deploys for seven months. How would I be able to do that? I don't know if I could. I mean...I never cheated on Giovanni while I was in Hawaii, and that was about six months, then xmas break, then another six months...I would seriously need to invest in a vibrator...but then he's only in CA for maybe another year or so...and then he's back off to Texas. And as much as I want to have romantical notions and believe that maybe there's a shot for us "who knows, life is short, regret nothing, never say never" all that sort of stuff...I can't move Eva away from her dad like that...not even if I got a job in Texas (I have no clue, maybe there are better opportunities there for High School English teachers...), not even if I married Joshua...and I know he would never stay here. He misses Texas too much, he is too Texan for CA. So even though my mind says "it's too soon to be thinking about those things, just hang out and have fun and see where it goes, if it goes anywhere, maybe there's a way, you don't know what this is yet"...I have to be smart and realize that those are important things to think of...so no one gets hurt in the long run. Even if I convince myself he and I could just hang out and hook up while he is here...I know I would get attached...from what he's said he probably would too. And then when it has to end, because there are no foreseeable remedies for the situation we would be in when he is out of the military...one or both of us would get hurt. A sure thing. I know that there is always a chance of someone getting hurt, any time you start a relationship...but the reason you try is because you have to believe that there is also a chance that it can work...so it would be a silly thing to start an actual relationship with someone when you know it can't work...no matter how many "well maybe..." thoughts you might have. But I like him. I want to see him again...I hope we can.

Life is rushing by so fast and I feel like I'm drowning in the waves that just keep crashing on top of me. Every time I come up for air another one just pummels me. At least I do get that one gasp of air before the next wave hits. I am surviving with my limited oxygen...but it's getting harder. I'm running out of steam and it gets harder and harder to fight my way to the surface each time, to get that burst of air. I often feel like giving up. Letting the waves beat me down and take me. Letting life bowl me over and just sink down. It's so peaceful under the water. Once the current of the waves are far enough above you, once you've escaped into the nothingness below the world, away from the chaos...there's only a feeling of being held, floating, falling slowly, drifting away. I would prefer that feeling of surrender and nothingness...or would I? Is the pain and sweat and constant beating worth it in the end? For those few moments of air filling my lungs. Eva is like my air. And although it is so hard to juggle the forces against me when she is here...each breath of her fills me with life and the ability to keep fighting. Fighting the waves, fighting the turmoil. I have to keep fighting...I need to stop searching for a safety raft, searching for a lifeguard to pull me out of the water. I am alone in this storming sea and I am the only person who can bring myself back to shore. I need to be stronger and fight harder, no one is coming to rescue me.

I'm Bored

I get bored so easily. I need constant attention and affection b/c I get so bored...I was getting tired of juggling different boys...mediocre boys. It was nice only b/c I could get the constant attention, but no one was interesting enough...then Joshua came along. It was perfect for me, he is affectionate and so cute, funny, mature, weird therefore interesting...but...of course "but". There's no getting around the buts. With him there are so many too...but! Haha...even with all the little (some not so little) things that are screaming warning signs...I like him. He likes me too...or he's a good actor ;-P so what I don't get is why can't we just play things by ear? Because he's ready to get married...in Texas...after he gets out of the military...

So here's my dilema...I still want to see him. Do I force it? Do I keep talking to him anyway? Do I get him to see me this weekend? He'll be gone for a month after this weekend...it might be the last chance I get to see him...

I'm talking to myself here...no one reads these...and I know me...I'm going to push it. What do I have to lose? If I don't push it: I won't see him. If I do push it: maybe I won't see him anyway, but maybe I will. It's who I am...and I like who I am. One day...one day...one day someone else will too.

But I'm bored! I'm giving him a minute to change his mind on his own ;-P not holding my breath, but trying to just chill while I'm at work. It's proving difficult b/c I'm so bored...I want to talk to someone. Him specifically.

In other news I keep dreaming about Jeff...it's pissing me off...they are random dreams...more like memories. I found the silliest thing yesterday while moving. I found a piece of paper with Jeff's number on it from high school. I thought for a second about emailing him saying he really should snap out of his shit-hole and just be my friend. I mean...seriously...I'm awesome and we always had fun. But then I remembered about the psycho chick. And I changed my mind.

In non-boy related news...I'm getting to be broke. I need to pick up shifts. I just picked up a Saturday night shift...I'm not stoked that it's the night shift on a Saturday and then I work Sunday morning...lame. I just spent some money on camera stuff, but I'm really wanting to get serious about it.

School is starting soon...I need that to go really well. One more year if I can floor it and really pack in the units. I want to add either a photography or dance class if I can find the time (time?time? Oh Cory...you're so optimistic! And a little crazy!)

I'm scared

I'm worried. I'm hurting. I thought I wasn't letting myself feel this way again...but I like someone. I'm...I'm afraid I might be falling for someone. I know why I am too...because it's the safest. He's deploying in October, moving back to Texas when he gets out. It could never be /more/...but I'm considering only seeing him...since I met him I have been ignoring other boys...but that's dangerous...and...I'm just nervous...I don't want to hurt...ever again...I never want to fall in love...the movies and songs tell such a pretty story...but I just...I can't let myself believe. I don't believe...


- Cory (from the phone)

Just go away

Why is your girlfriend texting me? Why is she telling me you have my FB password? Why are you checking up on me? I'm so tired of this. I just want you out of my life. You're a bad person, a bad influence. And yet I still feel something for you. That's why I need you to leave me alone. I just want to forget you. Just let me forget you! Leave me alone. Here I am talking to you. As if you were listening. As if you still cared. I know you don't. So tell the Bitch to leave me alone. And if you have anything to say, if you want to know what's going on with me...go ahead and ask. Otherwise...leave me alone.


- Cory (from the phone)

My Tummies

My tum tum hurts. I haven't been treating it well. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep up this crazy life-style. Staying up too late, drinking too much...but I'm lonely. And horny...

I've been meeting and hanging out with a lot of boys lately...but none of them have been able to tempt me. None of them are a potential relationship. Only one came close to a tempting place...but that was only b/c I knew from the start that I couldn't have him. And then there's /that/ one. The love is gone there, but I'm still in mourning. I wish that when your heart breaks there could be a way to erase all the memories of that love. With most of them I wouldn't want to, the memories are fine, good, true. But with this one...all the possitive, all the love...was a lie. It was all a lie. I want to forget I was dumb enough to believe. I want to forget I was happy, b/c now I am so ashamed. Ashamed that I fell for it, ashamed that I let him lie to me...ashamed that I loved him. The love is gone now, but the memories remain. I can't get away from those.

I'm so tired...I need to sleep. I'm going to only think how nice it is to be alone in my super comfortable and beautiful bed. Goodnight world...it may be morning...but I am leaving this world for a moment of peace. Don't let my dreams haunt me. Though dreams are more real than the reality he fed me...let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Goodnight.

Hate

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Come back to me. How are you just going on with your life? Why did I ever believe you....

It seems you can find at least one good thing about anyone...I've been lucky enough to have a good cuddler for my weekend...it would have been all benadryl otherwise.


- Cory (from the phone)

Knowing

I miss the guy that knows when I'm rubbing his arm it means that /I/ am cold.


- Cory (from the phone)

Realization

I've realized that I was right all along. I told him that he's never spent that much consistent time with me, so h had no way of knowing that he loved me the way he claimed. I told him I'd be able to handle his "clinging" but he wouldn't be able to handle mine. I knew that he was being absurd, I knew he was being overly optimistic and crazy even...I knew it...but that's all I've ever wanted in the world...to be loved like crazy, to be told they just know they love me...to not need years of dating (well...the ten years of off and on not included)

I knew this would happen...but I hate him for proving me right. I would have loved him forever for proving me wrong. I hate him for making me believe in all my dreams, in all the fairy tale endings...I hate him for making me believe and then taking it away. How could he do this to me? How could he be so malicious? So unfeeling? So uncaring? Why did this happen? How could he be so terrible when I've seen him so pure, so amazing...

being strong

who is my number one priority? Eva. I am not thinking about her right now...well, I am always thinking about her when she is with me...but I mean in regards to the situation with Jeff. This can't happen... I can't let myself be tortured...I can't risk everything on a relationship that is so obviously doomed... the most important thing in a relationship is communication... and it's only been 2 months and we can't even communicate... and I am becoming a person I don't want to be...

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, I'm so alone, I'm so torn... that's whats the worst...I'm torn... How can I let him treat me this way? I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that, and the person that loves me...especially the way he claimed to...needs to treat me with respect...and love, and cherish me...I want to die. This is hell. This is pure and utter hell. I don't want to let him go...but if he wont talk to me we are lost.

It's time to get ready for bed now...at least I have my tears blocker...Eva keeps me at least somewhat together...distracted...it's when she isn't around that I am at my worst...

I need him...I want him...I love him...he doesn't love me the same...I need to start to realize that.

Today

I got to be with him today...an hour...two...but now he's gone again...will I ever have him back? He'll never forgive me...I'll never forgive myself. I still could swear I'm pregnant now...my nipples are even darker...it might be a hysterical pregnancy...I'm hysterical enough...part of me wishes for it enough...part of him...half him, half me...with me always...growing inside me...the two of us...perfect. I had my chance, didn't I? And now I'll hate myself forever...our son would have been one in two months...with curly blonde hair and the bluest eyes. I saw his face once...in a picture of my love...he was beautiful...I think he's still waiting...I could die...


- Cory (from the phone)

Need you now

Baby...I need you now...


- Cory (from the phone)

what else could it be? Jeff.

I ate for the first time, since monday, today...smoking is going ok...it still isn't fun...but smelling like Jeff...well, I think that calms me more than the smoking does. I miss him. I need to talk to him. I need to be done with this separation...I need him back in my life...but that will never happen...until he will talk to me. As of right now, he might be ignoring me...or might have left his phone at home...I can't be sure. I miss him so...I love him so...I just pray that he still loves me...loves me the way he used to...

Every day

Every time I get an email...I pray it's from him. Every time I get a phone call, a text...every time...I pray that it's him. I still just can't understand...how, why, what, when?? (I know where...and saw who...) how did he lose his feelings? Feelings I know were so strong...so pure...so true...weren't they? How can they just go away. He wondered why I said I didn't want to get legally married...because one day you can be completely happy and in love...and the next day you're in bed with someone else...

I'm devastated. I can hardly breath half the time, I can't stop crying, I can barely get up and walk around...I love him, I miss him, I just want him back...I'm in agony. I called for him yesterday...I said his name, I cried his name, I prayed and begged that he would hear my heart breaking and call me...he's my soulmate...I know he feels me...he didn't call...I'm so lost and so alone...I need to see him...to hold him and touch him and look him in the eyes and see if it's still there...if he still loves me, or if it was all just a happy fairy tale dream and now I've woken up...to a living death, a nightmare...

My love, come back to me.


- Cory (from the phone)

Apartment

Omg!! The apartments that Kira lives in have a one bed for rent...I need to get it!! I must I must I must! This is exactly what I need! I'm in utter shock at how amazing it is! Please...please let this happen for me...


- Cory (from the phone)

the email

Subject: six days

six days before you decided that you didn't love me anymore...that you didn't want us to be together, that I wasn't worth it...six days before you said "Horrid girlfriend? Hah. You're the best girlfriend in the world"

I can't get over this. How can I just get over this like you? How can I just forget when less than ten days ago we were so in love? Was it all a lie? What happened? I need to know what happened! I'm dying...I'm dying inside...I need to know, if I at least knew how you could not want me anymore...then maybe I could move on...just tell me why...please...I'm begging...I don't know what to do...I'm dying.What happened? Please? What happened? 

I can't bear it without you. Do you know what it means to love unconditionally? I do...that's how I love you...that's how I feel about you. You did this to me, you destroyed me...you wrecked me...but if you could go back to feeling the way you did...to loving me like I know you truly did...I know it, you can't fake that, I know you felt it, I know you believed we were soul mates. If you could go back to feeling that way about me...I would take you back. I want to work on this, I want to fix whatever is broken, whatever happened...can't we fix it?

I couldn't send it...I've always been weak, I've always just bugged him, and talked to him, and forced it...I shouldn't send it...but I typed it in the box...I wanted to send it.....

Now that I don't have Eva as a buffer...I can't stop crying...I can't stop. I can barely type...but what else can I do...I can't stalk him...though I am crazy enough to want to...I can't text him...I can;t message him...I called him...he didn't answer. Of course he didn't answer...I could block my number and call...but he doesn't want to talk to me...so that's pointless. He doesn't love me anymore...

Karma is brutal...he's gotten his revenge. I hope it makes him happy to know that he got me back for how I hurt him to the power of ten...and I don't have anyone...I want to die. Damn it. I have never felt this way before. I've been an idiot, I've been heart broken,...but never this....never this....

If I never love again, I'll never feel this way again...I will never love again.

what the hell?

I can't stop thinking how he said "I'm sorry you had to see that"...not he's sorry he /did/ it...obviously because he isn't...not to mention he has no sadness for the loss of me...I bet it's been a little bit of time in the making in his mind...he's probably been wanting to do it, if not doing it all along...he didn't deny it when I suggested maybe he was cheating all along...ugh.

run

I just "ran" almost 4 miles...ok, so really I ran maybe a mile of it total...the rest I walked...I almost couldn't make it home. I was out in my sports bra and the pink "Camen Islands" shorts...well, we all know where those are from, no need to relish. It was very helpful...as much as I'm in excruciating pain right now...it is probably healthier than cutting, and yet...it's so much harder...does release those endorphins that help a lot. Also...no smoking before running. I think I should stick to when I'm driving alone, or drinking...don't want to be too crazy...how long does it take to get addicted though...a pack? a week? a month? Why anyone keeps it up past the first couple is beyond me...its pain for a tiny little head rush...I mean...wtf? Anyway...I couldn't even stand long enough to get dressed after the shower...OH! So it didn't even take me another day to get under 140! Woot...at this rate I'll be out of the 30's by next week...that would be amazing. Anyway...must sleep...falling asleep to Ke$ha...serious? Yes. (Am I starting to /really/ talk to myself?? Haha....)

tonight

I need to go out tonight. I need to get out of the house, I need to do something...but no one I knows ever does anything! Except Jeff. I want to message him, I want to see if I can come out with him, I know he's probably going out...but I'm sure he'll be going out trying to get me off his mind, so why would he be ok with me coming? I'm sure he'll be looking for a lady to take his mind off me as well...if he hasn't already found one...and I would ruin those plans, like he'd be willing to risk me seeing that again...but damn it! He's the only person I know who does anything on the weekends. It's just not fair that he can go and get shit-faced while I am without anyone to participate in drunken debauchery with...ugh. Why couldn't this be a break up with anyone else...then I could go out and have a good time with Jeff and get completely wasted and there you go, all is right in the world. But no...nothing is right in the world anymore. What can I do? I just don't know what to do now...this wasn't supposed to happen. Thankfully I deleted him from my FB and my phone...that way I'm less tempted. But I still have his email...is there a way to delete that too? I already opened up a new message and entered his email a time or two...

So, I've said it before as a bit of a joke...but...I'm going to try the lesbian thing. I mean...even the thought of a man touching me...makes my stomach knot up, makes me want to vomit bile (there's nothing else I could vomit), but I have needs still...and woman are soft and pretty, and have boobs...I like boobs...I might as well try it out.

I posted on his livejournal...the one place I know he will never see. He won't see this either...I wish I were writing to him though..

weight

Well...I just might get my wish and lose 20 lbs...of course it's pointless now...I couldn't care less. Being under 140 will be nice. That''ll happen by tomorrow for sure. I was exactly 140 this morning. Haven't seen that weight in...7/8 years? Well...that's something possitive out of this. I still feel like I'm in some sick sort of nightmare. It seems like a nightmare b/c I still don't want to believe it could be real. This seems like something I could have dreamt. And then I would be over at Jeff's in his arms, telling him all about it, and how mad at him it made me...and he would hold me and caress my hair and say, "Princess, don't be so silly. I could never do that to you. And I will never leave you. Don't even say something like that!" and we would giggle, and make love, and everything in the world would still be right...but no...I'm stuck in this sick nightmare and there's no waking up from it...only death would end this nightmare...but that's not an option...unfortunately. And I can't run off to afghanistan to hide from my feelings...or drink /every/ night...but tonight! Tonight I will drink. I'm going to drop Eva off at school in a bit, then come home, clean up, and go for a run. Hopefully after that I'll have something to do, somewhere to go and get drunk. Somewhere with no men I hope...men sicken me...I wish there were no men in the world. I'm wondering if I should smoke before the run, or after...not like I have enough energy to run anyway...but I'll walk, and jog a little...

wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!!!!

losing it

I am listening to Ke$ha...how does she know just what I'm going through? And "you're gonna miss me till you die" yeah...I am having violent thoughts...I hate him. I hate him...what a fucking joke he is, just a fucking joke...I mean, seriously...every fucking lie. Lie after lie! The whole fucking relationship was a lie. So why am I wearing his shirt? And smelling it? ...I'm also going to start smoking...it'll be something to do since I can't eat. Fuck him.

Thrown away

This isn't just 2 months he's throwing away...he's throwing away a lifetime. OUR life together...he's throwing it all away..and he won't even tell me why!!!!


- Cory (from the phone)

Life and Love

I miss him...I still want him back. But I know that he has changed. His feelings have. He isn't the person that I depended on to be so strong, and be so perfect for me. I'm going to have to end it. I wish more than anything that he could be /my/ Jeff again...mine...mine. The Jeff that would be in agony, that would be tortured by the /prospect/ of us being apart...not PISSED...not willing to have someone else in OUR bed...the bed that I felt perfectly safe and at home in...

Could I forgive him? They only kissed? Does that /really/ make that much of a difference...Kira says it should...but no...that's not what it's about...I can't trust his heart...I can't trust his love. I don't believe in it anymore. In love...for sure not in soul mates. That's an impossible dream now. He isn't the Jeff that I believed would NEVER hurt me...ever. "I would NEVER do that to you baby, ever." "I will love you forever. And ever"...I can't...I love him too much...I want him to fiercely...every thought in my head is...if only he could still want me, if only he could still be the same Jeff...if only this were because of some sort of delusional thought that I was lost to him forever...but it wasn't. It was a temper tantrum, a drunken fucking mistake...and he doesn't believe any more. He doesn't believe in us anymore...he's unsure. The reason I was so happy, so in love, so sure, so utterly sure...was because I knew he was...now he isn't...I can't be with someone who is unsure...I have a family to think about...and a hole in my chest that one day may house a heart again...

But for now...the gaping hole in my chest has coterized...(I don't know how to spell that, and don't care to find out at the moment)...and I don't feel anything. My emotions don't touch me...I haven't cried all day. And when the thoughts come in...him lifting me into his arms in the living room and walking into the kitchen, tripping over the fan b/c he couldn't see it was still sitting there b/c of when I burned the chocolate cake batter that I hadn't cleaned out of the oven, from his birthday...there's even before he moved, when I was waiting for him at his apartment, and he came home early and I jumped up on the bed and jumped in his arms...those are some of my favorite memories...when he picks me up. Going to San Fransisco...the way he would take care of me when I wasn't feeling well...cooking together, which was usually me cooking and him being in my way, lovingly in my way...kissingly in my way...

Ok, anyhow...so I think of things like that, and I don't cry anymore. Either my lack of eating has dehydrated me enough to prevent it, or it's just that when I think those things, my chest aches...but that's it...it doesn't hurt...it doesn't terrorize my soul...well, I think that's gone too...but even now...no crying...

he won't talk to me...he won't text me, or call me...he only saw me last night b/c I was half naked in the cold, knocking on his window...for girls to do that is a little crazy/stalkery...if he showed up here...oh, if only he would...I miss him so much...

Oh well...when he does call, or text...I'll be ready...I'll be strong...I'll let it end. I won't fight him, and I won't let him suffer through my tears and emotions...I'll be cool and collected and let him go. That's what I needed last night for...and today...for goodbye...I wish...I wish...I wish...

my heart

my heart is gone. What do I do? I'm dead inside. I'm crying in my class...again...I did this just over a year ago...over the same person...I should have learned the first time. I should have left it alone. Why did I believe? I don't now. Never again. I can't say anything, but I have so much to say. I want to say it to him...he won't hear me. He wont listen to me...he doesn't hear me. He doesn't love me...but I love him. He didn't believe me either. He didn't believe in my love for him. I wasn't the only one...I thought he was strong enough...strong enough for me, to be with me, to keep me...but no...I will always love him...there is no one else.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"...If I'm dead, then are you? Because I am dead.

Love

There's no such thing as love. There's no such thing as love...I'm trying to box up my heart so it won't talk to me any more. My mind would be clear and not bother me if my heart were silent...maybe now that I have no heart...now that my heart is gone...

Men

Why are all men the same? Why am I lying here unable to sleep...again? As always? Why did I ever believe in love? I don't anymore. I don't believe in love or fairy tales...I won't be fooled again. I won't be dumb...dooped.

A couple benadryl...hope it helps.

- Cory (from the phone)

Make believe

Make believe is easy when you work in hypotheticals.

I'm going to pretend that if he had a car he'd be here right now...


- Cory (from the phone)

The year is twenty ten. A young woman sits alone writing with a quill pen. She feels like a girl out of her time. As though she has been thrust into a world that is not her own. It holds nothing dear to her. The mechanics, the sterility of it all. She has stopped believing in feeling. How can a machine feel? She has stopped believing in love.
In an age when a common courtship lasts years if not into infinity. When marriage is a convention an not a product of strong emotion. Love has escaped the budoir of the matrimonial suite. Love has been damned to the streets, as it is, being sold for a wage-slave's salary.
Turning down her light the woman wraps her afghan closer aroun her shoulders.
Times were simpler then. In the world she cannot touch. In the world of long ago. Of the land far far away. Times were simpler. Love can exist in simplicity. Love, real love, true love, the love only now considered in fairy tales and mocked for it's obsurdity, cannot exist when it is only alive for making. The woman lives in a world for making. Making money, making machinery and making war. And of course making love. Love must be made now for it doesn't exist of it's own free will. And the synthetic adaptation that has replaced so sacred an emotion cannot satisfy a woman living out of her time.


- Cory (from the phone)

Creative response to "No One's A Mystery"

Creative response to “No One’s a Mystery”:

            He’s always on time. But today, of course today, he isn’t. No call no text, I’m just sitting here alone waiting for him.  It’s my birthday today and we had such special plans to spend it. Of all the days for his boss to keep him late, not today. As I see his car rounding the corner, I jump up from my spot on the steps of my high school, where the deserted halls echo the sound of emptiness. Thank God he is here, finally we can be together and have our magical day.

            “Hop in babe, let me take you for a ride,” he winks at me and shifts into gear just as the door is closing. I slide across the cab and wrap my arms comfortably into his, the stick between my legs as he shifts again.

            “Tell me again baby,” I nudge him lightly against his cheek with my nose.

            “Am I going to have to tell you all the time after today?”

            “Forever and ever.”

            “Ok, ok. You’re the only one for me. There’s never gonna be another girl for me.”

            I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh. We have a cool six hour drive ahead of us, but in his arms I could ride all night. He wont turn up the heat for fear that I’ll get too hot and pull away, so he turns up the volume instead.

            “…I drove all night, to get to you, is that alright?…”

***

            We finally pulled in, with cheetos and coke cans strewn across the cab floor, me wrapped up in his leather jacket. Him in a skin tight white t-shirt, but still warm as can be.

            “…this fever for you is just burning me up inside…”

***

            We come out of the chapel hand in hand, running to the car, laughing as my five-dollar veil, my something new, flies off behind me, I throw the plastic flowers in the direction of a couple waiting outside for their turn; their chance at forever. His heavy leather jacket, my something borrowed, clashing with my bright converse, my something blue, all does nothing to compliment the look of my mother’s tragic white prom dress, my something old. I am a bride no one would want to be, but I know that no matter the stage of the wedding, today begins my life.

            I graduated today, and tonight I was married.

            We drive off with only hopes in our future.

            “Tell me again baby.”

            “You don’t know it already?”

            “Just tell me again.”

            “You’re the only girl for me baby.”

            “Forever and ever?”

            “Forever and ever.”

            “And ever.”

            I close my eyes and see it all unfolding, as the rode takes us off into the sunset, my cowboy and me. 

Livejournal

I found my old livejournal from when I was about 18/19...it was amazing to read. It was different from reading my personal journals, I think because it had the possibility of another person reading it, so it wasn't as strange and stupid sounding, the way I can often get when writing to myself ;-)

It had a lot of posts that were specifically geared toward Jeff because we were seeing each other at that time, and it had some stories that I had written for him...I'm so thankful that I was able to see those after all this time. I think that journalling and blogging and etc are wonderful things for so many reasons. For memory's sake, for therapy, and for me, as a writer, it's great practice. Just writing. Writing anything is a practice in good writing. It made my day. And it just added to the bliss that was today and contributed to the way I've been starting to feel (again) about Jeff, with Jeff. I love him. He is my Ross, my Edward, my Noah...enough examples? He's my soulmate. We have been going back and forth in love (and lust) for ten years now, but something that has never changed is our attraction to each other. Not physical, cosmic. We are drawn to each other and we always have something. Our lives have been so disjointed, seperately and together, that it seems the world has never let us really /be/ together. I want to be together now, and I never want to be apart again.

If a future me reads this, 6 years from now, maybe more...I think that no matter the outcome I will be reminded that there was (hopefully is) a Jeff in my life. If he was, then I won't think that what we had was a sham, or that it was all a figment of my imagination, something it itsn't. I'll know it was. And that is enough. If he is, then I will remember the day when things finally started between us, the day the stars alligned and brought us finally to the place we were meant to be. I love him.

That is all for now.


- Cory (from the phone)

The Glen

I peek my head out just beyond the ferns; I have to be sure no one seems me as I step outside my little sanctuary. I don’t understand how I came to know this place, but it has become the only place I feel safe and at home. I come here most days to collect my thoughts and paint the colors I see forming and reshaping before my eyes. On my short walk home I walk a little slower to marvel at the stark difference this true world holds when compared to my haven.

It really is a spectacular place. The first day I stumbled upon it I had no idea what I had found. There, nestled between the O’Shays and the McDowell’s was a vast shrubbery with overhanging branches, willows and pine, a smorgasbord of trees and vegetation I had never seen before. I was truly bewitched by the sight and found myself being tugged toward the slight opening between trunks, covered in vines, a light was being omitted like the rays of the sun being shot through a window on a calm Sunday morning. But there was a slight drizzle dampening my skin, and the sun was nowhere in sight, and even so it was midday and the direction of the amber glistening through the petals and leaves was, directionally, a midmorning shine. As I approached a spot of red hair stepped through the opening. I recognized her as Meganne Keegan from my tenth grade history class. I quickly shot into the O’Shay’s yard and ducked behind their eyesore of a fountain, the thing was big enough to hide twenty of me.

Meganne was looking around in all directions, like she had just committed an evil act and getting caught would mean her death. I did not know what was going on, but I was sure something mysterious and possibly dangerous was going on here. I decided crouching behind the fountain was exactly what I should be doing until she was clearly out of sight. She took another look around and jumped completely out from behind the trees and shot off in the direction of her house like a squirrel crossing before a car.

As soon as I knew she was a few blocks down I felt safe enough to go and explore the scene. I hadn’t taken my eyes off the place since I caught my first glimpse. Thinking back I probably should have been more wary, but I came right up to the spot between the trees where Meganne’s red head had dipped out and I pushed right through the fronds.

***

I used to walk every day to school and home to the pub with Patrick Ryan, my across the street neighbor, since we were born. He is a grade ahead of me at school, but we still have always been very close. I have been making excuses every day now I feel like we’ve been growing apart, but I can’t let anyone see me steal away into my sanctuary, because I see now that is the key, and I cannot afford to lose my ability to find this place. If it weren’t for my precious place of purity I would be condemned to the stale smoke filled filth of the pub. My ma and pa own The Crown Pub where all the rowdy, but well meaning, men from around town gather for their nightly buzz, booze, and brawl.

They call me “dirty girl” at the pub. It isn’t meant to be an insult, or worse, innuendo, it is just the way they poke fun at me. You see, there’s a running joke that I’m “the milkman’s daughter”. This is not because I’m actually the spawn of an illicit affair, or that my mom is a floozy, it’s because my skin is a shade or two darker than the average native around these parts, and my hair is more of a burgundy as compared to the brilliant reds and oranges that crown the heads of my siblings and many cousins. I give my hair leave to be burgundy on a sunny day when the light hits it in just the right way. But to be honest, there aren’t many of those days, so I am often cursed with a much more chocolate cap.

I come to this place every day after school, and at times I will wake up early just to come here and lay beneath the warmth of the shine. I call it “the shine” because there is no sun to speak of, but there is always a warm light that somehow reaches the ground though the ceiling of my little world is a vast greenery that even a rainforest, I’m sure, could not match in thickness or beauty.

As I mentioned before I enjoy doing my painting here. I made the mistake once of bringing one of my pieces home with me.

“Lily Marie Doyle” This statement is what followed a shrill screech that all of us Doyle children know to expect one of our names to come after. “What is this mess? “ She was standing behind my painting holding it up in front of her with an incredulous look on her face. Even with my massive canvas in front of her I could tell she had her usual stance, one hip jutting out to one side, the opposite leg locked out to the other, like she was trying to encompass as much open space as possible should her prey try to bolt.

“It’s a painting ma, what did you think it was?” I knew this sarcastic tone was bound to get me into more trouble, but I had had a close call with The Glen (this is what I had started calling my little hiding place ever since it had developed into a beautiful valley with a small brook cutting through the lush emerald grass and fading into the trees. Once I tried to follow it, but lets get back to ma) today and I was anxious, fearing the worst, knowing I had to get back there, I couldn’t lose The Glen, not now. This close call is why I had the painting with me at all.

“How can you be wasting what little money we have on canvas and paints when all you’re going to create is…is…this rubbish?!” her eyebrows were threatening to unify right there in the middle of her face from the amount of concern she was holding them together with.

“I’m sorry ma, I was just trying something new. I’ll be more conventional from now on,” little did she know there were ten more like that sitting against the trunk of a weeping willow, inside a hidden rainforest cove, nestled between two ordinary homes, only a couple blocks from here. And I had no intention of painting anything conventional, not when the landscape that sat for me was in a constant ebb and flow, moving like a lifetime was passing in mere seconds, like time and space was flowing through this realm on Baker St. that no one but I could see.

***

***

“I know it’s you!” Meganne Keegan was a fiery mess making a B-line for me, head ablaze, with eyes that threatened to burn through my not-so-convincing innocent look.  You have to understand, Meganne is quite a skanger, right down to her massive hoop earrings that rival her head for which is the biggest, and which has the most air inside it.

“Um, hey Meganne.”

“Don’t you fecking act dumb,” she’s right on top of me screaming in my face at this point, if we weren’t in the back alley behind the pub where the rowdy men make enough noise to drown out a freight train we would have had a crowd expecting a fight within seconds, “Come here! I know you found the place, and I want you to take me there right now!”

“Meganne I honestly don’t know what the feck you’re talking about. Have you gone off your rocker?” She had actually caught me on my way to The Glen so I had to think quick and I decided to head to the market instead.

She followed me all the way to the market and if she had followed me in I would have had to do some major bluffing considering I hadn’t brought any money. But as the auto-doors opened she stopped short and with a quick “I’ll be watching you,” she ran off down the street.

“How cliché,” I muttered under my breath as I walked into the market. Today was Sunday so I was at least sure to grab a couple of samples while I waited to be sure Meganne had cleared off.

“Lilly?”

I jumped right out of my skin and knocked over a few cans of stewed carrots turning to face my assailant.

“Jeanie Mac Patrick! Why’d you sneak up on me like that? I almost peed myself,” I was still trying to peak around the aisle at where Meganne was smoking just down the street outside the barbershop. I had to figure out how I was going to get out of here without her seeing me and following me back to the Glen.

“What’s the craic Lil?” Patrick and I had been friends for years, but since he started working at the market I rarely saw him.

“Pat, look, I’m just trying to avoid Meganne, she’s on some crazy rampage and I have somewhere to be. Can you get me out of here without her seeing me?”

“Sure Lil,” he grabbed my arm and pulled me in close wrapping his other arm around my head burying it in his chest, and started slinking off down the aisle, throwing glances left and right, taking huge elaborate steps on tip toe.

“Oh sod off!” I pushed him off of me, right into the remaining canned veggies.

“Oh, come on Lil, we’ll go through the back,” he took my hand and led me through the cold room, and out the back of the storage behind the store. “One day you’ll tell me what’s with all the cloak and dagger? Won’t you?”

“Sure Pat, but not today, take care!”

“Take care Lil,” he kissed me on the forehead and let his hand linger on my shoulder so I couldn’t run off right away. He looked straight in my eyes, brushed my hair behind my ear, and hopped up onto the loading deck and disappeared back into the market before I figured out what had just happened.

I tried to shake off the strange departure on my way back to the Glen, but I just was not sure when Patrick Ryan had become more than the typical “boy next door” best friend, and had turned into the attractive older boy sending chills down my spine. I guessed I had been missing a few things since I started spending all my time in the Glen. But today I had my painting to finish.

When I was leaving the Glen, painting in hand, I knew Meganne would probably be somewhere lurking. Remembering how I found the place I decided I needed to be extra careful. I had painted today with the intention of showing my work to Patrick, he always loved my art, and I knew he would find my new stuff particularly exciting. I also found myself wondering if the Glen would let me bring Patrick to it.

Sure enough Meganne was standing just on the corner past the McDowell’s taking a drag looking off in the opposite direction, her first mistake. I shot out of the Glen and ran across the street before she was able to flick her cigarette to the ground and give it a quick stomp with her high heel, wearing those was her second mistake. Thinking she could follow me into the damp grass field in them was her final mistake. Once her first heel sank into the soggy ground I knew I was home free.

***

            Sometimes I look back and I cannot be sure if it was ever even real. One day it was there and then the next day I was standing outside of the McDowell’s snogging with my future husband. There was nothing between the houses, no wonderful sanctuary where magic happens, but now it was between us.

My Ring

He gave it to me when he asked me to "be his girlfriend again". He thought that he could buy me off really, I think. He thought that he could dazzle me with shiny objects and I wouldn't be able to see what was true in his heart. It's amazing that such a simple thing is what made it finally hit me. I can't even explain it now, but something clicked. I was sitting here crying, I was desperate, I wanted to see him, I wanted to be close to him to talk to him, I /needed/ to get my ring back from him, I thought that somehow that would connect us again, that I would be able to see him again to get it, that maybe he would come up here and bring it to me...yeah...ok, I'm going to admit it here...I even had a tiny thought of a different-kind-of-ring and a hot air balloon ride...but then...he refused me! He told me no, I couldn't have it back. And he said it was b/c HE "needed it to remember me by"...wait...what?! I'm sitting here agonizing and crying, not just crying a little but the sobs that just have you doubled over in pain, clutching my heart and my stomach, unable to take a breath...and he just..."can't" he can't even give me /this/!! He has never been able to think of me first ONCE in our entire relationship. Everything that he did do for me had a selfish motive behind it, it got something for him in return...

It hit me! That was it, that was the moment. "What?! You can't even do /this/ one thing for me?! Don't I deserve just that much?" No...apparently not. not with him anyhow. But I do deserve AT LEAST that much...and so much more! I deserve to ALWAYS be thought of first. I know it's possible b/c thats how I approach a relationship. And I know there is someone out there that will be able to give that to me. Someone who will be able to give it to me, and whom I still will want to give it to in return. I know it will happen. And I'm ready now. I'm ready to find that. I'm done with children and little boys that don't understand the concept. Done with unseasoned kids who still think they have so much to lose by settling down. I'm ready for a man who sees how much he has to gain by being mine, by getting to be with me forever, me and Eva. Realizes that a life without me is not something with more adventure, more fun and freedom, that life, without me, is like a dreadful cage; isolate and alone. He's out there. And he'll come along now because I'm ready. I'm finally ready. I'm free! I'm free from my past and ready for my future! I'm ready for love! Yay! Now I sound kind of like a self-help/motivational seminar for those unlucky in love...but still. The power of positive thinking!

He is a child, and though I've known it all along I've hoped he'd change. People do not change unless they themselves truly, deeply, and completely want to. And an outsider, someone outside that person's own thoughts and dreams can never know if the person is sincere. And that is why the actions tell it all. You have to be able to show people time and time again who you are, and prove yourself to them. That's what I try to do. I try to be honest and sincere with my actions and not do things to pretend I am anyone that I am not. That way, you can take me or leave me. You don't get fooled by my fairy-tale image I portray, and fall in love with a lie.

And in regard to "succumbing to temptation" temptation is all around us, and there are going to be times when we are weak, I have ben weak in my life...but there is no excuse for lies and betrayal, there is no excuse for a lack of integrity. In a truly honest relationship, you should be able to open up about a potential temptation and confront it with your partner. Tell them how you are feeling and why and work it out together. If you are tempted to cheat, in any form (that includes sex-texting) then go to the person you love and tell them..."I'm being tempted" then the two of you can figure out what is behind that temptation. It could be a desire to be with someone other than your partner, if that's the case the relationship isn't worth saving. Otherwise it could be that you are harboring some emotions you are hardly aware of, or you are feeling lonely and disconnected from your partner, and telling them this, figuring it out together can help the two of you fix it, and then you can grow stronger together after that...instead of having both parties die a little inside. And if the split is inevitable then at least you split before the cheating actually occurred...that is a much more civil and respectful ending than a slap in the face and screaming...and a tortured soul.

...

Ahhh :-) showers are so relaxing. And I managed to sit through Daniel telling me he still wants to be with me and not shed a single tear and not waver (ok...there was a slight waver, but still no tears.) Only thing is now I'm a little teeny tiny bit scared that I'm not upset and crying b/c he is telling me he wants to be with me...I sure hope not...it's pretty lame that I don't even know what is going on in my own head...rawr. He's not getting back in. Not him. No.

Trust and Proof

Anyone out there in the cyber-verse have some idea how someone could profess to you their great love, their desire for you and only you, that they could say they are going to PROVE that you can TRUST them...and then days later they are sex-texting some other girl? Planning to hang out with girls, texting 5 different girls all flirting and some more than that...how does that make sense? Oh right...the only person that would make sense to would be a dog. He's a dog. I knew it on some level the whole time...no one could lie and ommit so much without being seriously disturbed in the head. Not to mention the fact that he cheated on his ex with me...and refuses to believe it or remember it. He can convince himself he's in the right in any situation. How did I fall in love with someone so fundamentally messed up in the head? His game was so good...he had me completely fooled, mind and body...he's such a terrible person...I'm lucky it didn't take any longer for me to be rid of him...I can be thankful that I didn't waste any more than a year of my life on his waste of space. One day, if he ever grows up, he will realize just what he lost with me...and even his evil, twisted, messed up soul will shed a tear. He could have had happiness, adventure, and love for the rest of his life...but instead he will probably end up alone and sad a loser living at home at 30.



- Cory (from the phone)

Kissing

I miss kissing. I miss kissing someone I feel comfortable with. I know the whole "first kiss" thing has all the hype...but honestly it's way over rated. I like having a mouth I know, a style I'm used to. I like feeling the things that make me comfortable, knowing what to expect and how to respond. I miss that...I crave that.


- Cory (from the phone)

"The Letter" Barely a Beginning of a Story

            She thought of John as she sat down to write. He would be home soon. As she watched the embers fade to ash she knew she needed to write something. John would never forgive her if she didn’t. But how could she express all the things that would be left unexpressed, how could she say all the things she would never say again? How could she write her soul onto a page, leaving her soul forever in ink, never to feel or love again.

            Now there wasn’t much time. And John would be home soon. So many years to remember and live in only the moments left. How to remember them all? How to bring them all with her? Only the good, there was no need for the bad now.

            Once when they were young her family took a trip to the zoo. She remembers thinking that if only life could always be the way it was on that day. The excitement and adventure of the wild animals, only kept away by the bars. Even as a girl she felt a strange kinship with the animals, felt like she was living behind bars and that there was so much more life outside of her cage, more than the artificial terrain she walked over and over leaving a rut in the man made ground.  But that day she was not trapped. Her father held her hand in one, and her mother’s in his other. Her sister ran up ahead showing them all this animal or that. Everyone had a smile on their face. She would look from one to another and in that moment, she truly believed they were all this happy family, a family that always took a Sunday trip to the zoo, that her father never beat her mother, that her sister wouldn’t soon run away, leaving her all alone with no defense.

            That was John at the door.

            “Dearest? Why is the door locked?” He would find a way in soon enough. This wasn’t the first time she had tried.

            “Please come out so we can talk.” He sounded scared, but there was nothing that could be done now, she had timed it just right.

            “Joanie!”

            The last sound she heard was love. Her pen slipped from her fingers as the last stroke cursed the page. She had timed it just right.

Dear John,

                  The time we shared has been the happiest of my life. You saved me, but the pain was too deep to be washed away completely. I know that you will be sad, but I leave with your love in my heart, I leave whole. He cannot get to me now, he wont be able to find me here. He haunted me but now I am free!

                  Dearest, don’t cry for me.

                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                                    Love Always,

                                                                                                                                                                                    Joanie

Creative Response to "Hills Like White Elephants" A Continued Story

            As she stood on the hard gravel and heard the loud bellow of the train’s departure she was preparing herself for what laid ahead.

            “We should hurry,” the man said.

            “Oh.” She looked at his hand resting on her shoulder and realized it had been there for quite some time. She didn’t feel it. “Give me a moment,” and she walked away toward the sign marked “WOMEN”, she would be one soon enough, so she walked in.

            Now the man sat and took in the surrounding scene. There were no faces as he looked around at the crowd, only people in a hurry to get on with their lives. That was why he was here; to get on with his life. His and hers; together. It was the only way.

            “I’m ready.”

            The man could see she had been crying, but there was no going back to that now.

            “There will be a car waiting for us after we are through, but we’ll have to take a taxi there. Let us hurry before the heat gets too unbearable.”

            It wasn’t long before the man and girl were walking the couple steps up to the office building. There were people in the waiting room, which meant they would have to have a seat and wait themselves. More time before the thing was through.

            Together they sat, his hand holding hers gently, but he knew she did not notice. Once the procedure was through, things would be different, better again. So he still held her hand, and hoped to help ease her mind about his care for her.

            She hardly noticed when the man in a lab coat came and took her name, and she only followed when she felt the man urging her to go with the doctor. The man had to wait alone while they did the operation. And the girl walked through the corridor to the room in the back, she disrobed quietly and put on the gown they indicated to her, and then waited for the air to be let in.

            In the waiting room the man couldn’t be sure how things were going, and now that he was the only one left he couldn’t even watch the others and base time on their comings and goings.

            “It will all be better now,” he said again and again.

            How long had she been in there? Minutes, an hour? More? He hung his head in his hands and finally lost his composure, that’s when the doctor returned.

            “I’m sorry…”

           

            The cities and houses passed by in a blur as the train raced through the lonely night. The man was finally alone. After the day he had, the cool drink in his hand seemed impossibly sweet.

            He took another sip.

            “It’s just to let the air in”

            The drink hit the ground, and the man finally cried.

Serve, and Protect

            Devon is a good boy. He does what he’s told and he never got into trouble as a kid. When he became a police officer it was no surprise to his family, or the whole neighborhood really.

            Today is his first day in narcotics. He took a special interest in this particular field when he found out that one of his best childhood friends had been dealing drugs. He tried to talk to him about it, but because Devon was always well off, and well taken care of Joe would just say “You don’t know what it’s like Devon, just get out of here, I don’t want you getting hurt.” Devon knew that Joe was a good kid, even at their age Devon had faith in people, and was drawn to help. When Joe was shot during a drug buy, their Junior year of college, that’s when Devon decided to become a cop.

            Now he had seven years on the job and was finally going to be able to make a difference. He went straight into an undercover job, that’s why he was recruited in fact, he was once of the youngest officers with the most time on and they needed someone who was tough, but could pass for a believable “kid”. That’s what they called him at the station. It could have been because his last name was too hard for most of the guys to pronounce, or it could just be because he looked like a kid amongst all these old timers.

            He got to the locker room and started pulling off his street clothes. Today he would be going in uniform, but not the one he was so used to wearing. Today his uniform was a pair of Sean John’s and Timberlands. He had to fit in. He had also grown some facial hair, a pitiful attempt but everyone said it was perfect for the job, it made him look grimy without making him look any older. He was going to be passing for an older college student looking to sell to the kids on campus. One of the largest distributors in the area had a very strong hold on the campus community.

            The commute he had to take to his location was long, and today would be all about filling out paperwork, enrolling, so he grabbed a cup of coffee on campus and headed in to see the dean.

            Devon had never finished out his college years and felt a little reproachful as he walked in to admissions and records. The dean had agreed to let him start a week into the term based on his phony transcripts showing his high marks and school participation. Devon could see the skepticism in the man’s eyes as he took in Devon’s outfit, but he sent him over to administration and records anyway.

            It was half way through the semester and Devon had gotten in good with a few of the lower level dealers, it seemed that the main influx was coming from the fraternities, and rush week was long gone. If he wanted to get info he was going to have to do something drastic.

            “Today?” Devon said, as he was being lead toward the back bungalows that had been abandoned since the new remodel last year. They were scheduled for demolition, but the whole campus was in an uproar, no one wanted class time to be interrupted by the work.

            “You said you were desperate. I got you a meeting today. Just be cool and we’ll both get out of there alive.” Devon knew this kid wasn’t joking.

            His supervisor had no idea about this, he wasn’t wired, not that he could have brought a wire in, but if they at least could have eyes on the meeting place.

            It was now or never, Devon knew that. So he followed.

           

            Inside the bungalow there were at least half a dozen men and a couple of women who served no purpose but to walk by wearing next to nothing and let the men whistle commands to them. Devon saw a couple of kids from around campus and he knew right away who the boss was. He was called “C’, why no one was completely sure, Devon knew his name was Arnold. But the whole force had been on this guys trail for almost a decade now; he had been the one who pulled the trigger on Joe. Devon had to see this through.

            “Sit down kid.” C wasn’t the one talking, but his look told Devon to listen.

            "I just want to get in on this action, Tommy here said you were the men to talk to.” Devon hadn’t had time to prepare so he came off seeming a little scared, not his original plan, but it just might pull this thing off.

            “C don’t just let any old white boy sell his dope. What makes you think C can trust you?” Once again it was the minion that spoke.

            “Oh, you can trust me C, I just need this cash real bad.” He knew he was sounding desperate, he felt desperate. Hopefully it would make him seem legit.

            “Fine.” This time the word came out of C. It startled Devon, but he tried to keep his cool.

            “Cool man, I just want a few dime bags for now, I ain’t lookin’ for the big time, just a little extra cash is all.” He just wanted to get the hell out of there and report to his superiors. They’d have C in custody soon, Joe’s murderer locked up.

            “Sure. Just let’s make sure you like the product first.”

            “On, no man, I trust you.”

            “I insist. I don’t want some bimbo O.Ding and my shit getting blamed for it. Just try a bit and we’ll talk price.”

            Devon didn’t expect this.

            “Come on man, what are you waiting for? Just try some of the shit and lets go.” His friend was freaking out now, Devon was still trying to figure the whole thing out.

            “Nah, you know I have a paper due, I can’t be all messed up.”

            “Dude! What the fuck? You trying to get us killed?” This time he whispered, but Devon saw a couple of the guys inch closer to C, C just waved his hand in the air and they stopped where they were.

            Devon knew what this meant. He wouldn’t be leaving there tonight if he didn’t do what they said. If he exposed himself now, the bust would be lost and he just might get himself killed, if these men were willing to become cop killers. Devon thought they looked like they were. But if he did this he’d be ruined. That was why they never went in unprepared, without backup.

            He stepped forward. All he could think of was the look in Joe’s eyes every time he used. He drew out his gun (it was an oversight on their part, they didn’t expect some nervous college kid to be packing), C was the first one he hit, he managed to get two more before he was hit himself, the last three had run for cover, or to get their guns. Devon finished off his clip and as he went to reload the last person standing shot Devon in the head.

           

            The whole community was in shock. They had lost one of their own, one of the most honorable men they had ever known. He was given a hero’s funeral. Witnesses came forward and more and more people came out to testify, now that C was gone. Only Joe’s mother held the truth. A letter from Devon before he went under cover.

           

I’ll get him for what he did to Joe, he will pay.

            

A Dying Love

            Taking his time. As usual. I think it’s about time I see what’s taking so long. We’ve been seeing each other for five years now. Talk about taking his time. We’ve been living together for three years. I’ve got to be wasting my time.

Three years ago.

“What time is it? We’re going to be late!” I was going to be late to the third wedding I’d been to this year. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me something. Trevor and I have been living together for a year now, and he made an amazing wedding date. Women would bat their eyes at him and smile and wink at me. But then the questions would come. “When are you two finally going to get hitched?”, “Isn’t it about time he pops the question?”, “How long have you two bee together? Are you ever going to tie the knot?” I think I’ve heard every cliché expression for getting married that’s ever been invented, and each one is more annoying than the last.

            “We’re not going to be late honey, just calm down. Why do you always get this way before we go to one of these things?” He said this with a smile, as he put his arm around my waist. Here we go, another half hour and we’ll be out the door.

            I started the day today the same as I start everyday, these days at least, tired. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in ages. My job keeps me out late with overtime, and Trevor is constantly going out with the boys “to unwind.” We hardly see each other anymore. And now he is being slow as usual, while he makes me wait for him to get ready.

Two year ago.

I feel so relieved that things are finally slowing down for me at work. Even Trevor has noticed the change in my mood, and it’s affecting his too. Last week he brought home flowers, for “no reason.” If this new deal at work goes through we will finally have a chance to relax, maybe even take a long over due vacation.

            “Sweetheart, you look amazing! Where are you taking us?” he gently tickles my arm and pulls me onto the couch.

            “You know I want this to be a surprise! Don’t ruin it!” I’m smiling and letting him pull my hair back from my face, I know where this is going. “Now come one Trev, we can’t be late!” But I let him when he reaches for my zipper.

            “Trevor, please! We can’t do this again, it’s the Morgan’s, we’re late to all of their events, they live all the way across town!” I can’t stand the way he’s looking at me from his chair, with a little smirk, as if the things I’m saying are absurd. He doesn’t even make a move to leave. He has never cared about being on time, being polite. I’ve started to really see through his charming demeanor and I realize just how selfish he is in his actions. I walk toward the door, he’ll have to stay home for this one after all there will be plenty more in the future.

One year ago.

            The deal fell through, the budget cut Trevor’s funding, we’re living on microwave noodles. I’ve never been as strong as Trevor in a crisis. I crumble and break down.

            “Darling, we will make it through this hard time, it’s getting hard for everyone, but we are strong together.”

            Together. That’s a laugh. We haven’t been together in a week, and I’m starting to feel like the word “us” means two different things between Trevor and me. Trevor must have known what I was thinking because he took my hand and kissed it gently. It’s hard to resist when he knows just the things to calm me and make me succumb.

           

            The party was a bore. Two year olds are not as fun when they don’t belong to you. When none of them belong to you. You can’t say “Oh, my Jimmy is playing to sweetly with your Vivian. We should set up a play date for next week, wouldn’t they be so sweet together when they grow up?” Or, “Tommy, don’t be mean to your brother or you can’t have any cake. Didn’t Mrs. Morgan make a beautiful cake for Julie’s birthday?” Instead I have to sit amongst the moms and listen to their sweet and horrid stories and pray that little Suzi doesn’t remember my purse again for being the only one with “grown up things” in it. It’s nice to be back home where it’s quite.

Six months ago.

            We had a scare. Or more accurately, Trevor had a scare, and I had a completely different kind of scare.  It turned out to be a defunked test and the doctor explained that a false positive could be pretty common. Trevor came home so relieved it was almost like old times again looking into his eyes. But my heart had been more hopeful. I had wanted to be pregnant. Surely that would be the way to get him to marry me, he wouldn’t have an excuse then, he would have to step up. But instead he made us a special pasta dinner with extra champagne.

 “See dear, we don’t have to worry, have the whole bottle there’s nothing to stop you! We’re celebrating!” And he poured us each a glass, but we’d never finish those, he took mine from my hand and placed both on the coffee table. But my heart was no longer in it.

After finishing my dinner I went in to check on Trevor. He always got so lonely when I leave him for one of my parties.  That’s why I made him a little spot so he could watch TV while I’m gone. I prop him up in his lazy chair; he always was a lazy boy, taking his time never thinking about what I want. But I take my time now. Combing his hair just the way I like it. Brushing his teeth with the toothpaste I prefer. His hair is starting to fall out; I’ll pick up a better shampoo at the store tomorrow. And his face is looking sunken now; I’ll have to remember to get a better night cream for him. But for now I just lift his cold hand and let my lips warm his fingers.