My Ring

He gave it to me when he asked me to "be his girlfriend again". He thought that he could buy me off really, I think. He thought that he could dazzle me with shiny objects and I wouldn't be able to see what was true in his heart. It's amazing that such a simple thing is what made it finally hit me. I can't even explain it now, but something clicked. I was sitting here crying, I was desperate, I wanted to see him, I wanted to be close to him to talk to him, I /needed/ to get my ring back from him, I thought that somehow that would connect us again, that I would be able to see him again to get it, that maybe he would come up here and bring it to me...yeah...ok, I'm going to admit it here...I even had a tiny thought of a different-kind-of-ring and a hot air balloon ride...but then...he refused me! He told me no, I couldn't have it back. And he said it was b/c HE "needed it to remember me by"...wait...what?! I'm sitting here agonizing and crying, not just crying a little but the sobs that just have you doubled over in pain, clutching my heart and my stomach, unable to take a breath...and he just..."can't" he can't even give me /this/!! He has never been able to think of me first ONCE in our entire relationship. Everything that he did do for me had a selfish motive behind it, it got something for him in return...

It hit me! That was it, that was the moment. "What?! You can't even do /this/ one thing for me?! Don't I deserve just that much?" No...apparently not. not with him anyhow. But I do deserve AT LEAST that much...and so much more! I deserve to ALWAYS be thought of first. I know it's possible b/c thats how I approach a relationship. And I know there is someone out there that will be able to give that to me. Someone who will be able to give it to me, and whom I still will want to give it to in return. I know it will happen. And I'm ready now. I'm ready to find that. I'm done with children and little boys that don't understand the concept. Done with unseasoned kids who still think they have so much to lose by settling down. I'm ready for a man who sees how much he has to gain by being mine, by getting to be with me forever, me and Eva. Realizes that a life without me is not something with more adventure, more fun and freedom, that life, without me, is like a dreadful cage; isolate and alone. He's out there. And he'll come along now because I'm ready. I'm finally ready. I'm free! I'm free from my past and ready for my future! I'm ready for love! Yay! Now I sound kind of like a self-help/motivational seminar for those unlucky in love...but still. The power of positive thinking!

He is a child, and though I've known it all along I've hoped he'd change. People do not change unless they themselves truly, deeply, and completely want to. And an outsider, someone outside that person's own thoughts and dreams can never know if the person is sincere. And that is why the actions tell it all. You have to be able to show people time and time again who you are, and prove yourself to them. That's what I try to do. I try to be honest and sincere with my actions and not do things to pretend I am anyone that I am not. That way, you can take me or leave me. You don't get fooled by my fairy-tale image I portray, and fall in love with a lie.

And in regard to "succumbing to temptation" temptation is all around us, and there are going to be times when we are weak, I have ben weak in my life...but there is no excuse for lies and betrayal, there is no excuse for a lack of integrity. In a truly honest relationship, you should be able to open up about a potential temptation and confront it with your partner. Tell them how you are feeling and why and work it out together. If you are tempted to cheat, in any form (that includes sex-texting) then go to the person you love and tell them..."I'm being tempted" then the two of you can figure out what is behind that temptation. It could be a desire to be with someone other than your partner, if that's the case the relationship isn't worth saving. Otherwise it could be that you are harboring some emotions you are hardly aware of, or you are feeling lonely and disconnected from your partner, and telling them this, figuring it out together can help the two of you fix it, and then you can grow stronger together after that...instead of having both parties die a little inside. And if the split is inevitable then at least you split before the cheating actually occurred...that is a much more civil and respectful ending than a slap in the face and screaming...and a tortured soul.

...

Ahhh :-) showers are so relaxing. And I managed to sit through Daniel telling me he still wants to be with me and not shed a single tear and not waver (ok...there was a slight waver, but still no tears.) Only thing is now I'm a little teeny tiny bit scared that I'm not upset and crying b/c he is telling me he wants to be with me...I sure hope not...it's pretty lame that I don't even know what is going on in my own head...rawr. He's not getting back in. Not him. No.