I miss him...I still want him back. But I know that he has changed. His feelings have. He isn't the person that I depended on to be so strong, and be so perfect for me. I'm going to have to end it. I wish more than anything that he could be /my/ Jeff again...mine...mine. The Jeff that would be in agony, that would be tortured by the /prospect/ of us being apart...not PISSED...not willing to have someone else in OUR bed...the bed that I felt perfectly safe and at home in...
Could I forgive him? They only kissed? Does that /really/ make that much of a difference...Kira says it should...but no...that's not what it's about...I can't trust his heart...I can't trust his love. I don't believe in it anymore. In love...for sure not in soul mates. That's an impossible dream now. He isn't the Jeff that I believed would NEVER hurt me...ever. "I would NEVER do that to you baby, ever." "I will love you forever. And ever"...I can't...I love him too much...I want him to fiercely...every thought in my head is...if only he could still want me, if only he could still be the same Jeff...if only this were because of some sort of delusional thought that I was lost to him forever...but it wasn't. It was a temper tantrum, a drunken fucking mistake...and he doesn't believe any more. He doesn't believe in us anymore...he's unsure. The reason I was so happy, so in love, so sure, so utterly sure...was because I knew he was...now he isn't...I can't be with someone who is unsure...I have a family to think about...and a hole in my chest that one day may house a heart again...
But for now...the gaping hole in my chest has coterized...(I don't know how to spell that, and don't care to find out at the moment)...and I don't feel anything. My emotions don't touch me...I haven't cried all day. And when the thoughts come in...him lifting me into his arms in the living room and walking into the kitchen, tripping over the fan b/c he couldn't see it was still sitting there b/c of when I burned the chocolate cake batter that I hadn't cleaned out of the oven, from his birthday...there's even before he moved, when I was waiting for him at his apartment, and he came home early and I jumped up on the bed and jumped in his arms...those are some of my favorite memories...when he picks me up. Going to San Fransisco...the way he would take care of me when I wasn't feeling well...cooking together, which was usually me cooking and him being in my way, lovingly in my way...kissingly in my way...
Ok, anyhow...so I think of things like that, and I don't cry anymore. Either my lack of eating has dehydrated me enough to prevent it, or it's just that when I think those things, my chest aches...but that's it...it doesn't hurt...it doesn't terrorize my soul...well, I think that's gone too...but even now...no crying...
he won't talk to me...he won't text me, or call me...he only saw me last night b/c I was half naked in the cold, knocking on his window...for girls to do that is a little crazy/stalkery...if he showed up here...oh, if only he would...I miss him so much...
Oh well...when he does call, or text...I'll be ready...I'll be strong...I'll let it end. I won't fight him, and I won't let him suffer through my tears and emotions...I'll be cool and collected and let him go. That's what I needed last night for...and today...for goodbye...I wish...I wish...I wish...
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