tonight

I need to go out tonight. I need to get out of the house, I need to do something...but no one I knows ever does anything! Except Jeff. I want to message him, I want to see if I can come out with him, I know he's probably going out...but I'm sure he'll be going out trying to get me off his mind, so why would he be ok with me coming? I'm sure he'll be looking for a lady to take his mind off me as well...if he hasn't already found one...and I would ruin those plans, like he'd be willing to risk me seeing that again...but damn it! He's the only person I know who does anything on the weekends. It's just not fair that he can go and get shit-faced while I am without anyone to participate in drunken debauchery with...ugh. Why couldn't this be a break up with anyone else...then I could go out and have a good time with Jeff and get completely wasted and there you go, all is right in the world. But no...nothing is right in the world anymore. What can I do? I just don't know what to do now...this wasn't supposed to happen. Thankfully I deleted him from my FB and my phone...that way I'm less tempted. But I still have his email...is there a way to delete that too? I already opened up a new message and entered his email a time or two...

So, I've said it before as a bit of a joke...but...I'm going to try the lesbian thing. I mean...even the thought of a man touching me...makes my stomach knot up, makes me want to vomit bile (there's nothing else I could vomit), but I have needs still...and woman are soft and pretty, and have boobs...I like boobs...I might as well try it out.

I posted on his livejournal...the one place I know he will never see. He won't see this either...I wish I were writing to him though..