Well...I just might get my wish and lose 20 lbs...of course it's pointless now...I couldn't care less. Being under 140 will be nice. That''ll happen by tomorrow for sure. I was exactly 140 this morning. Haven't seen that weight in...7/8 years? Well...that's something possitive out of this. I still feel like I'm in some sick sort of nightmare. It seems like a nightmare b/c I still don't want to believe it could be real. This seems like something I could have dreamt. And then I would be over at Jeff's in his arms, telling him all about it, and how mad at him it made me...and he would hold me and caress my hair and say, "Princess, don't be so silly. I could never do that to you. And I will never leave you. Don't even say something like that!" and we would giggle, and make love, and everything in the world would still be right...but no...I'm stuck in this sick nightmare and there's no waking up from it...only death would end this nightmare...but that's not an option...unfortunately. And I can't run off to afghanistan to hide from my feelings...or drink /every/ night...but tonight! Tonight I will drink. I'm going to drop Eva off at school in a bit, then come home, clean up, and go for a run. Hopefully after that I'll have something to do, somewhere to go and get drunk. Somewhere with no men I hope...men sicken me...I wish there were no men in the world. I'm wondering if I should smoke before the run, or after...not like I have enough energy to run anyway...but I'll walk, and jog a little...
wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!!!!
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