Monday, August 23, 2010

My Gorgeous Man

I haven't posted in quite a while. I tend to post more to complain or vent than I do to talk about how blissfully happy I am. Well..I've never been this blissfully happy before. I'm in love. "Haven't we been here before Cory?" Sure. I've said "I'm in love" before. But has it ever been this? Have I ever felt this before? No. But that's the beauty of life. I've thought I've felt something as powerfully as I possibly could...but that's only because I hadn't felt the next thing yet. And with him...each next thing, is the next thing. And it's all him. It hasn't been long. I'm not going to lie, it's been a crazy short amount of time. But in that time, I have felt more than I have ever felt before, and he has been more than anyone else has been before. And the past is melting away. The pain is melting away. In his arms I feel completely whole, I feel completely safe. And I trust. I never trust, but him I trust.

I want this to be it, I want him to be it. To be the one. To be everything. Each day is new and exciting and an amazing adventure. And I see my life with him, and I'm always smiling. Happiness as I look at him over dinner. Happiness as I walk down the aisle to his side. Happiness as we hold our baby in our arms. And the one that makes me happy and makes me see all these things has a face now. When I used to see my life ahead of me, those things yet to be, I saw the things, I saw the happiness and the love, but I never saw him. I had no face to the one that would be my everything, because I hadn't seen him yet. Now that I have, his is the only face I see. I still have my fears, I don't want to lose him, to lose this...but the reward is worth the risk and I'm willing to risk it all for what I see with him, how I feel for him.

I don't get any readers here, which I really don't mind. I write for me, I write for a record and a release. I like to look back and reflect on how I have felt in the past. I won't look back now, I know I had a dark time recently, I just want to move forward now. But I know that I was in such a dark place due to the darkness that I had let into my life. And now I have a light. A light that is all encompassing in my world, filling every moment with warmth. I feel like I can do anything, that life is possible, love is here, and I don't have to worry or stress.

I'm going to give a little story to explain, in part, how he makes me feel. After a few years of battling my "allergies"...some of you know about this plague to my life. I'm allergic to stress apparently. And pretty much daily I am at risk for breaking out in severe hives. Wherever gets the breakout (usually a place that gets an extra amount of "friction" i.e. my hands b/c of massage, feet b/c of waitressing, throat is I have a cough, etc. etc.) feels like a fire has broken out, it itches like poison oak, and feels like either a severe bruise that is being constantly poked, or a broken bone if it is in some locations like around a joint. Nothing seemed to help, no matter what I couldn't not be "stressed" it would seem. It didn't matter if I felt life was going well, or that nothing was bothering me...I was happy...still had the issue. Steroids helped, but as my mom called it the "moon face" wasn't worth it really (nor was the passing out 30 minutes after taking my meds due to my easily influenced grogginess with meds). And then I found "ranatadine" now, how an acid reducer prevents hives is beyond my scope of knowledge...but it works pretty well. Too much acid, too much stress, or missing a dosage will generally result in a breakout though. But the doctor that finally found a manageable solution to the issue said that she had had the same issue at one point in her life, but that she had been able to get over it completely without medicine. She had been given a beautiful gift by her parents though...they told her she could drop out of med school, move back in and that they would support her 100%, financially and otherwise. Well..sadly I'm not with that option, and (as much as I love them) sometimes my parents are the greatest cause of my stress...so it's been almost 6 years now...and no relief except that which my twice daily medicine provides. I know this is a long story for this short explanation...I feel that level of calm, security, stress-free, safe, love, relief....from him, from being with him.

Ok...I'm so sleepy, and the screen is starting to kill my eyes in the dark here...but the point of all of this...I love him. Leon...I love Leon...forever.

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