How can I still love him?

I miss him...I'm drunk...so does it really count? How could I have ever loved him? Yet alone now? I miss him. I don't know that I miss him as much as what I thought he was. I trusted him, and I believed he loved me. I could hold him in my arms and feel whole. Like I was loved, Like I was treasured. But it was a lie. And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to find that again. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. And I blame him...I could still be with Josh...I know that's not right...but I'm so alone. I'm so alone...