Anyone who has ever had an "ex" knows what it is like. All the things that you ever loved about them just melt away, and all you are left with is the raw, unromanticized, ugly version of that person. The "love is blind" no longer applies when the love is gone. Dislike is never blind. You see every flaw, if there is anything you miss it is from the good of that person. At least that's how I feel. In particular with how I feel about my evil ex-husband. Right now I feel so scared, and lost...and even alone. I have an amazing boyfriend...he wants to help me...as much as he can...he wants to be there for me...but...I don't know. I don't know why I can't ask him for help, or accept his help. I feel like it wouldn't be right...but I think more than that...it kind of also stems from a bit of mistrust. In a weird way...if I totally mistrusted him (and were a bit of an evil person myself) I would just take all I could get from him...take, take, take. But it goes a little deeper than that I think. To a place I don't even understand. I love him...I want to be with him...but right now, we can't even legally be together. And we have to kind of sneak around...and everyone has their opinions about us...and as much as I just want to jump head first and believe in what I've always dreamt of, always wanted, true love and all that happily-ever-after stuff, and believe that, without taking the time to test the waters, our love could possibly be deep enough to keep me from splitting my head open when my care-free dive encounters what could possibly be a shallow pool...or perhaps our love might be deep enough...but all the bloody boulders sticking their way in...they're hard to miss. Don't know if that metaphor translated from my head well...but the point is...I'm trying so hard to trust and at times I am SO sure...SOOOOO sure...but then something like him offering to help comes up...and I just don't feel like I deserve it, like I'm good enough, or worth it...and maybe if I accepted it he would see it too...does that even make sense? I don't think that really does...but here I am crying about it...so somehow, in my own head it must.
I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.
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