Hate

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Come back to me. How are you just going on with your life? Why did I ever believe you....

It seems you can find at least one good thing about anyone...I've been lucky enough to have a good cuddler for my weekend...it would have been all benadryl otherwise.


- Cory (from the phone)

Knowing

I miss the guy that knows when I'm rubbing his arm it means that /I/ am cold.


- Cory (from the phone)

Realization

I've realized that I was right all along. I told him that he's never spent that much consistent time with me, so h had no way of knowing that he loved me the way he claimed. I told him I'd be able to handle his "clinging" but he wouldn't be able to handle mine. I knew that he was being absurd, I knew he was being overly optimistic and crazy even...I knew it...but that's all I've ever wanted in the world...to be loved like crazy, to be told they just know they love me...to not need years of dating (well...the ten years of off and on not included)

I knew this would happen...but I hate him for proving me right. I would have loved him forever for proving me wrong. I hate him for making me believe in all my dreams, in all the fairy tale endings...I hate him for making me believe and then taking it away. How could he do this to me? How could he be so malicious? So unfeeling? So uncaring? Why did this happen? How could he be so terrible when I've seen him so pure, so amazing...

being strong

who is my number one priority? Eva. I am not thinking about her right now...well, I am always thinking about her when she is with me...but I mean in regards to the situation with Jeff. This can't happen... I can't let myself be tortured...I can't risk everything on a relationship that is so obviously doomed... the most important thing in a relationship is communication... and it's only been 2 months and we can't even communicate... and I am becoming a person I don't want to be...

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, I'm so alone, I'm so torn... that's whats the worst...I'm torn... How can I let him treat me this way? I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that, and the person that loves me...especially the way he claimed to...needs to treat me with respect...and love, and cherish me...I want to die. This is hell. This is pure and utter hell. I don't want to let him go...but if he wont talk to me we are lost.

It's time to get ready for bed now...at least I have my tears blocker...Eva keeps me at least somewhat together...distracted...it's when she isn't around that I am at my worst...

I need him...I want him...I love him...he doesn't love me the same...I need to start to realize that.

Today

I got to be with him today...an hour...two...but now he's gone again...will I ever have him back? He'll never forgive me...I'll never forgive myself. I still could swear I'm pregnant now...my nipples are even darker...it might be a hysterical pregnancy...I'm hysterical enough...part of me wishes for it enough...part of him...half him, half me...with me always...growing inside me...the two of us...perfect. I had my chance, didn't I? And now I'll hate myself forever...our son would have been one in two months...with curly blonde hair and the bluest eyes. I saw his face once...in a picture of my love...he was beautiful...I think he's still waiting...I could die...


- Cory (from the phone)

Need you now

Baby...I need you now...


- Cory (from the phone)

what else could it be? Jeff.

I ate for the first time, since monday, today...smoking is going ok...it still isn't fun...but smelling like Jeff...well, I think that calms me more than the smoking does. I miss him. I need to talk to him. I need to be done with this separation...I need him back in my life...but that will never happen...until he will talk to me. As of right now, he might be ignoring me...or might have left his phone at home...I can't be sure. I miss him so...I love him so...I just pray that he still loves me...loves me the way he used to...

Every day

Every time I get an email...I pray it's from him. Every time I get a phone call, a text...every time...I pray that it's him. I still just can't understand...how, why, what, when?? (I know where...and saw who...) how did he lose his feelings? Feelings I know were so strong...so pure...so true...weren't they? How can they just go away. He wondered why I said I didn't want to get legally married...because one day you can be completely happy and in love...and the next day you're in bed with someone else...

I'm devastated. I can hardly breath half the time, I can't stop crying, I can barely get up and walk around...I love him, I miss him, I just want him back...I'm in agony. I called for him yesterday...I said his name, I cried his name, I prayed and begged that he would hear my heart breaking and call me...he's my soulmate...I know he feels me...he didn't call...I'm so lost and so alone...I need to see him...to hold him and touch him and look him in the eyes and see if it's still there...if he still loves me, or if it was all just a happy fairy tale dream and now I've woken up...to a living death, a nightmare...

My love, come back to me.


- Cory (from the phone)

Apartment

Omg!! The apartments that Kira lives in have a one bed for rent...I need to get it!! I must I must I must! This is exactly what I need! I'm in utter shock at how amazing it is! Please...please let this happen for me...


- Cory (from the phone)

the email

Subject: six days

six days before you decided that you didn't love me anymore...that you didn't want us to be together, that I wasn't worth it...six days before you said "Horrid girlfriend? Hah. You're the best girlfriend in the world"

I can't get over this. How can I just get over this like you? How can I just forget when less than ten days ago we were so in love? Was it all a lie? What happened? I need to know what happened! I'm dying...I'm dying inside...I need to know, if I at least knew how you could not want me anymore...then maybe I could move on...just tell me why...please...I'm begging...I don't know what to do...I'm dying.What happened? Please? What happened? 

I can't bear it without you. Do you know what it means to love unconditionally? I do...that's how I love you...that's how I feel about you. You did this to me, you destroyed me...you wrecked me...but if you could go back to feeling the way you did...to loving me like I know you truly did...I know it, you can't fake that, I know you felt it, I know you believed we were soul mates. If you could go back to feeling that way about me...I would take you back. I want to work on this, I want to fix whatever is broken, whatever happened...can't we fix it?

I couldn't send it...I've always been weak, I've always just bugged him, and talked to him, and forced it...I shouldn't send it...but I typed it in the box...I wanted to send it.....

Now that I don't have Eva as a buffer...I can't stop crying...I can't stop. I can barely type...but what else can I do...I can't stalk him...though I am crazy enough to want to...I can't text him...I can;t message him...I called him...he didn't answer. Of course he didn't answer...I could block my number and call...but he doesn't want to talk to me...so that's pointless. He doesn't love me anymore...

Karma is brutal...he's gotten his revenge. I hope it makes him happy to know that he got me back for how I hurt him to the power of ten...and I don't have anyone...I want to die. Damn it. I have never felt this way before. I've been an idiot, I've been heart broken,...but never this....never this....

If I never love again, I'll never feel this way again...I will never love again.

what the hell?

I can't stop thinking how he said "I'm sorry you had to see that"...not he's sorry he /did/ it...obviously because he isn't...not to mention he has no sadness for the loss of me...I bet it's been a little bit of time in the making in his mind...he's probably been wanting to do it, if not doing it all along...he didn't deny it when I suggested maybe he was cheating all along...ugh.

run

I just "ran" almost 4 miles...ok, so really I ran maybe a mile of it total...the rest I walked...I almost couldn't make it home. I was out in my sports bra and the pink "Camen Islands" shorts...well, we all know where those are from, no need to relish. It was very helpful...as much as I'm in excruciating pain right now...it is probably healthier than cutting, and yet...it's so much harder...does release those endorphins that help a lot. Also...no smoking before running. I think I should stick to when I'm driving alone, or drinking...don't want to be too crazy...how long does it take to get addicted though...a pack? a week? a month? Why anyone keeps it up past the first couple is beyond me...its pain for a tiny little head rush...I mean...wtf? Anyway...I couldn't even stand long enough to get dressed after the shower...OH! So it didn't even take me another day to get under 140! Woot...at this rate I'll be out of the 30's by next week...that would be amazing. Anyway...must sleep...falling asleep to Ke$ha...serious? Yes. (Am I starting to /really/ talk to myself?? Haha....)

tonight

I need to go out tonight. I need to get out of the house, I need to do something...but no one I knows ever does anything! Except Jeff. I want to message him, I want to see if I can come out with him, I know he's probably going out...but I'm sure he'll be going out trying to get me off his mind, so why would he be ok with me coming? I'm sure he'll be looking for a lady to take his mind off me as well...if he hasn't already found one...and I would ruin those plans, like he'd be willing to risk me seeing that again...but damn it! He's the only person I know who does anything on the weekends. It's just not fair that he can go and get shit-faced while I am without anyone to participate in drunken debauchery with...ugh. Why couldn't this be a break up with anyone else...then I could go out and have a good time with Jeff and get completely wasted and there you go, all is right in the world. But no...nothing is right in the world anymore. What can I do? I just don't know what to do now...this wasn't supposed to happen. Thankfully I deleted him from my FB and my phone...that way I'm less tempted. But I still have his email...is there a way to delete that too? I already opened up a new message and entered his email a time or two...

So, I've said it before as a bit of a joke...but...I'm going to try the lesbian thing. I mean...even the thought of a man touching me...makes my stomach knot up, makes me want to vomit bile (there's nothing else I could vomit), but I have needs still...and woman are soft and pretty, and have boobs...I like boobs...I might as well try it out.

I posted on his livejournal...the one place I know he will never see. He won't see this either...I wish I were writing to him though..

weight

Well...I just might get my wish and lose 20 lbs...of course it's pointless now...I couldn't care less. Being under 140 will be nice. That''ll happen by tomorrow for sure. I was exactly 140 this morning. Haven't seen that weight in...7/8 years? Well...that's something possitive out of this. I still feel like I'm in some sick sort of nightmare. It seems like a nightmare b/c I still don't want to believe it could be real. This seems like something I could have dreamt. And then I would be over at Jeff's in his arms, telling him all about it, and how mad at him it made me...and he would hold me and caress my hair and say, "Princess, don't be so silly. I could never do that to you. And I will never leave you. Don't even say something like that!" and we would giggle, and make love, and everything in the world would still be right...but no...I'm stuck in this sick nightmare and there's no waking up from it...only death would end this nightmare...but that's not an option...unfortunately. And I can't run off to afghanistan to hide from my feelings...or drink /every/ night...but tonight! Tonight I will drink. I'm going to drop Eva off at school in a bit, then come home, clean up, and go for a run. Hopefully after that I'll have something to do, somewhere to go and get drunk. Somewhere with no men I hope...men sicken me...I wish there were no men in the world. I'm wondering if I should smoke before the run, or after...not like I have enough energy to run anyway...but I'll walk, and jog a little...

wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!!!!

losing it

I am listening to Ke$ha...how does she know just what I'm going through? And "you're gonna miss me till you die" yeah...I am having violent thoughts...I hate him. I hate him...what a fucking joke he is, just a fucking joke...I mean, seriously...every fucking lie. Lie after lie! The whole fucking relationship was a lie. So why am I wearing his shirt? And smelling it? ...I'm also going to start smoking...it'll be something to do since I can't eat. Fuck him.

Thrown away

This isn't just 2 months he's throwing away...he's throwing away a lifetime. OUR life together...he's throwing it all away..and he won't even tell me why!!!!


- Cory (from the phone)

Life and Love

I miss him...I still want him back. But I know that he has changed. His feelings have. He isn't the person that I depended on to be so strong, and be so perfect for me. I'm going to have to end it. I wish more than anything that he could be /my/ Jeff again...mine...mine. The Jeff that would be in agony, that would be tortured by the /prospect/ of us being apart...not PISSED...not willing to have someone else in OUR bed...the bed that I felt perfectly safe and at home in...

Could I forgive him? They only kissed? Does that /really/ make that much of a difference...Kira says it should...but no...that's not what it's about...I can't trust his heart...I can't trust his love. I don't believe in it anymore. In love...for sure not in soul mates. That's an impossible dream now. He isn't the Jeff that I believed would NEVER hurt me...ever. "I would NEVER do that to you baby, ever." "I will love you forever. And ever"...I can't...I love him too much...I want him to fiercely...every thought in my head is...if only he could still want me, if only he could still be the same Jeff...if only this were because of some sort of delusional thought that I was lost to him forever...but it wasn't. It was a temper tantrum, a drunken fucking mistake...and he doesn't believe any more. He doesn't believe in us anymore...he's unsure. The reason I was so happy, so in love, so sure, so utterly sure...was because I knew he was...now he isn't...I can't be with someone who is unsure...I have a family to think about...and a hole in my chest that one day may house a heart again...

But for now...the gaping hole in my chest has coterized...(I don't know how to spell that, and don't care to find out at the moment)...and I don't feel anything. My emotions don't touch me...I haven't cried all day. And when the thoughts come in...him lifting me into his arms in the living room and walking into the kitchen, tripping over the fan b/c he couldn't see it was still sitting there b/c of when I burned the chocolate cake batter that I hadn't cleaned out of the oven, from his birthday...there's even before he moved, when I was waiting for him at his apartment, and he came home early and I jumped up on the bed and jumped in his arms...those are some of my favorite memories...when he picks me up. Going to San Fransisco...the way he would take care of me when I wasn't feeling well...cooking together, which was usually me cooking and him being in my way, lovingly in my way...kissingly in my way...

Ok, anyhow...so I think of things like that, and I don't cry anymore. Either my lack of eating has dehydrated me enough to prevent it, or it's just that when I think those things, my chest aches...but that's it...it doesn't hurt...it doesn't terrorize my soul...well, I think that's gone too...but even now...no crying...

he won't talk to me...he won't text me, or call me...he only saw me last night b/c I was half naked in the cold, knocking on his window...for girls to do that is a little crazy/stalkery...if he showed up here...oh, if only he would...I miss him so much...

Oh well...when he does call, or text...I'll be ready...I'll be strong...I'll let it end. I won't fight him, and I won't let him suffer through my tears and emotions...I'll be cool and collected and let him go. That's what I needed last night for...and today...for goodbye...I wish...I wish...I wish...

my heart

my heart is gone. What do I do? I'm dead inside. I'm crying in my class...again...I did this just over a year ago...over the same person...I should have learned the first time. I should have left it alone. Why did I believe? I don't now. Never again. I can't say anything, but I have so much to say. I want to say it to him...he won't hear me. He wont listen to me...he doesn't hear me. He doesn't love me...but I love him. He didn't believe me either. He didn't believe in my love for him. I wasn't the only one...I thought he was strong enough...strong enough for me, to be with me, to keep me...but no...I will always love him...there is no one else.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"...If I'm dead, then are you? Because I am dead.

Love

There's no such thing as love. There's no such thing as love...I'm trying to box up my heart so it won't talk to me any more. My mind would be clear and not bother me if my heart were silent...maybe now that I have no heart...now that my heart is gone...

Men

Why are all men the same? Why am I lying here unable to sleep...again? As always? Why did I ever believe in love? I don't anymore. I don't believe in love or fairy tales...I won't be fooled again. I won't be dumb...dooped.

A couple benadryl...hope it helps.

- Cory (from the phone)

Make believe

Make believe is easy when you work in hypotheticals.

I'm going to pretend that if he had a car he'd be here right now...


- Cory (from the phone)

The year is twenty ten. A young woman sits alone writing with a quill pen. She feels like a girl out of her time. As though she has been thrust into a world that is not her own. It holds nothing dear to her. The mechanics, the sterility of it all. She has stopped believing in feeling. How can a machine feel? She has stopped believing in love.
In an age when a common courtship lasts years if not into infinity. When marriage is a convention an not a product of strong emotion. Love has escaped the budoir of the matrimonial suite. Love has been damned to the streets, as it is, being sold for a wage-slave's salary.
Turning down her light the woman wraps her afghan closer aroun her shoulders.
Times were simpler then. In the world she cannot touch. In the world of long ago. Of the land far far away. Times were simpler. Love can exist in simplicity. Love, real love, true love, the love only now considered in fairy tales and mocked for it's obsurdity, cannot exist when it is only alive for making. The woman lives in a world for making. Making money, making machinery and making war. And of course making love. Love must be made now for it doesn't exist of it's own free will. And the synthetic adaptation that has replaced so sacred an emotion cannot satisfy a woman living out of her time.


- Cory (from the phone)