I've got myself a mean case of the "baby blues". A combination of sleep deprivation and malnutrition has me bursting into fits of tears and sobs. My head aches, I can't think straight, my tailbone is starting to act up again from CONSTANT seated position (I almost spelled that "potition" because I couldn't figure out how else it would be spelled...to give you an idea of how well my brain is currently working), my legs ache from lack of use, I managed to take a shower...but I an absolute wreck because I wasn't able to blow dry, let alone brush, my hair...and what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to ask for help. It's Saturday and Leon is here...well...I don't want to ASK for help for the hundredth time. I don't want to say "can you take the baby?", "can you change the baby?", "can you burp baby?" one more time...I tried to explain to Leon that I feel like I'm nagging when I'm constantly having to ask. He says it's not nagging...but I don't care really if he thinks it is, I do, and I don't want to do it. Besides I feel there are many instances where it's obvious and he could take the initiative on his own.
I tried explaining how I was feeling to him...I tried to tell him that I don't care if the house is a little bit of a mess right now, if the dishes are done, if the floor is vacuumed...so when he "does these things so I don't have to", I would much prefer that he give me a break from the baby that has quite nearly become fused to my boob/chest/arm. Even if it means I'm doing the dishes or walking the dog or cleaning. I need to be doing something more than sitting...and nursing. I tried to explain this...I said those words even...and yet...
Yesterday Leon said "tomorrow you're taking a nap. I can bottle feed all day, you need some extra sleep". This statement probably stemmed from my breakdown last night where I stormed off to change yet another diaper and pretty much stopped talking or looking at him, and any response I gave was a muffled "hmph" or "mmhm", with a bit of glaring on the side. We made up...I ate and got a bit more sleep last night. But today rolled around and after errands were done and both the other kids were off to the "other parents" houses we managed to have a shower...and then...I've been holding the baby in the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing ever since. Leon has been cleaning the house. It's looking great of course...but I'm sitting on the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing. "You should be sleeping" is what he says while I pat the baby and watch TV or play solitaire on the iPad..."then take the baby and I will" is what I say in my head...but instead I just close my eyes and make like I'm trying to sleep...which I can't do while sitting in the rocker. So he goes back to cleaning. Then "go lie down on the couch with her then"...well, she needs a new diaper, and I know that if I change her she won't be sleeping anymore. Leon changes her. Brings her back to me (now "comfortable" lying on the couch) and she's wide awake. Now she's fussy and wants to nurse. Back to the rocker. By now I'm starving. No worries...Leon to the rescue to make me some food. Me...on the rocker...with the baby. Nursing. Burping. Soothing. And then she needs to be changed, by this point my eyes have been pouring out as I try to silently rock the baby without waking her when I repetition so my tailbone stops aching...by the time I make it back to the bedroom to change her I'm sobbing and can't see Teagan through the tears as I change her. Then she's hungry...again. So I lay down with her in bed to feed her...and try to at least rest my tired eyes. Leon comes in...food's done I'm sure...he kisses me on the forehead and heads back out. I'm sure he's relieved I seem to be sleeping. Baby needs the other side...I turn over. Baby needs to burp...I start writing a blog. Leon comes in again and sees I'm up. He takes the baby so I can go eat. I'm in the bathroom finishing this instead. And then I'm blow drying my hair. I don't care that whatever food he made (that I'm in no mood to eat anymore) is getting cold.
So...yeah "baby blues" I've got them alright.
But you'd be surprised that even through the tears, when I look down at my little angel I can't help but smile. And maybe make a little half sob, half laugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I cried today
It's amazing how little I've cried in the past nearly eleven months. But I cried today...and normally my "today" wouldn't have started for another four hours...
I'm over this pregnancy though. I'm in constant pain, I can't move without being in pain, I can't lie still or sit in one spot without something hurting. And it's been like this from day one. It was barely a month in when the nausea started...and it's never stopped...not a single day. I've been on medication for it...and that's helped...but once it wears off, it comes back. I could sit here and make a list of all the pains this pregnancy has caused...and it might help to vent...but those aren't the reasons I cried today...one time out of a handful of times in nearly a year. And keep in mind I am pregnant, and for the past 8 1/2 months I've been under a lot of stress and emotional and hormonal...and yet...I've had no real reason to cry.
I've been so happy. I've been so lucky to find someone I love so much and who I know loves me so much. The past almost-year has been the best one of my life and I'm so thankful, I'm so lucky, and I'm so happy. So I haven't cried. I haven't had reason to. I have a rock who always makes everything better. Whatever might make me sad, he's always there for me, always a reason to feel better, to stay strong. Until last night.
As I've said I'm severely pregnant and at this point unhappily so. And that alone sucks. On top of everything I also have to feel bad about feeling so bad, and not wanting to be doing this anymore...I really don't want to be doing this anymore...and that feeling sucks. And I'm nervous and on edge and scared even. Scared that it's all too much and I can't make it another day...emotionally...physically. I'm in so much pain and it's wearing on my soul. I need to be told it's ok for me to hate this, to be supported no matter what I might say trying to deal with even one more minute of this torture...not told not to think it, or not to say it. That I'll be fine, I'm strong, it's not so bad, it won't be long now. No one else is living this nightmare that I'm living...unable to function without pain, unable to feel human...even for a second. Just having my body used and seriously abused and my existence high-jacked for the past eight and a half months.
This pregnancy has been so incredibly hard, Eva was nothing compared to this, luckily this time I have the support I need to get me through this...to lift me up when I'm sure I can't stand for one more minute of it. But I needed that times a thousand last night...and instead I was told not to feel. I was told I was wrong to feel how I do...and then, after about an hour and a half of sleep I was given a kiss, not even a goodbye...and I'll be alone for the rest of the day. Actually...I won't be alone, I have both the girls. I can't even stop to wallow in my emotional wreckage because I have to be strong for them. Make food, entertain, get everyone ready and over to the doctor for my appointment, and probably even have to deal with the bedtime mess on my own tonight...of every day for the past eight months today had to be the day for this. If I survive today I'll survive it all...but I can tell you now...this won't be the only time I cry today...wish me luck.
- Cory (from the phone)
I'm over this pregnancy though. I'm in constant pain, I can't move without being in pain, I can't lie still or sit in one spot without something hurting. And it's been like this from day one. It was barely a month in when the nausea started...and it's never stopped...not a single day. I've been on medication for it...and that's helped...but once it wears off, it comes back. I could sit here and make a list of all the pains this pregnancy has caused...and it might help to vent...but those aren't the reasons I cried today...one time out of a handful of times in nearly a year. And keep in mind I am pregnant, and for the past 8 1/2 months I've been under a lot of stress and emotional and hormonal...and yet...I've had no real reason to cry.
I've been so happy. I've been so lucky to find someone I love so much and who I know loves me so much. The past almost-year has been the best one of my life and I'm so thankful, I'm so lucky, and I'm so happy. So I haven't cried. I haven't had reason to. I have a rock who always makes everything better. Whatever might make me sad, he's always there for me, always a reason to feel better, to stay strong. Until last night.
As I've said I'm severely pregnant and at this point unhappily so. And that alone sucks. On top of everything I also have to feel bad about feeling so bad, and not wanting to be doing this anymore...I really don't want to be doing this anymore...and that feeling sucks. And I'm nervous and on edge and scared even. Scared that it's all too much and I can't make it another day...emotionally...physically. I'm in so much pain and it's wearing on my soul. I need to be told it's ok for me to hate this, to be supported no matter what I might say trying to deal with even one more minute of this torture...not told not to think it, or not to say it. That I'll be fine, I'm strong, it's not so bad, it won't be long now. No one else is living this nightmare that I'm living...unable to function without pain, unable to feel human...even for a second. Just having my body used and seriously abused and my existence high-jacked for the past eight and a half months.
This pregnancy has been so incredibly hard, Eva was nothing compared to this, luckily this time I have the support I need to get me through this...to lift me up when I'm sure I can't stand for one more minute of it. But I needed that times a thousand last night...and instead I was told not to feel. I was told I was wrong to feel how I do...and then, after about an hour and a half of sleep I was given a kiss, not even a goodbye...and I'll be alone for the rest of the day. Actually...I won't be alone, I have both the girls. I can't even stop to wallow in my emotional wreckage because I have to be strong for them. Make food, entertain, get everyone ready and over to the doctor for my appointment, and probably even have to deal with the bedtime mess on my own tonight...of every day for the past eight months today had to be the day for this. If I survive today I'll survive it all...but I can tell you now...this won't be the only time I cry today...wish me luck.
- Cory (from the phone)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Gotta Take the Good with the Bad
So it's been quite a while since I've had the time to write anything, I've been too busy with my brilliantly wonderful life. But I decided it was time that I wrote a little update.
For the past seven months I have been in wonderland, in complete and utter happiness, and it's all thanks to one man. I remember where I was seven months ago before meeting him, I wasn't interested in anything serious. I was done with men (again) fed-up, had lost all hope in the opposite sex and was only interested in having fun and not getting attached. So when I walked in to that Menchies that warm July Sunday I wasn't expecting much. But then...I saw him, and I though "uh-oh". And the "date" continued and it only got worse "uh-oh...I'm in trouble" I knew that if he proved to be as special as he seemed in that first hour over frozen yogurt that I was in grave danger of falling completely and utterly in love. And not only did he prove it, but he surpassed any expectation, any hope I had ever had for the perfect man. Not only is he gorgeous and intelligent, but he's silly, and goofy, and fun, and kind and sensitive, and tough and caring (plus the sex is amazing too!) ;0). To say that he has the "total package" would be a gross understatement. He makes me feel like the most loved and cherished woman in the world.
It took no time before we were "official" and even less time for us to admit that we were completely in love with each other. Two months later we were packing up and moving in together. If it weren't for both of our pending divorces we would have been on our way down the aisle the very next day. But unfortunately psycho exes, and the slow and annoying legal system prevented that.
One night we were talking, as we did often, about how we each wanted more kids and couldn't wait to start our family. How we had to wait who knows how long until we could be married. And considering we both were in agreement about having three more kids together, we were frustrated that we had to wait for the technicality of the finalized divorce before we could get started. Well, with all that in mind, the fact that I want to be done popping the little ones out by 30 (4 short years away), and issues like being thin for a wedding dress (huge deal!!) ;0P we thought "well...why don't we just get pregnant now?" We joked for a minute, that's crazy..."what will people think" well that was me, he instantly said "I don't care what other people think". And with that we decided there was really no point in waiting, and if we got pregnant right away we would have the baby and that would leave enough time for me to slim down after the baby and before a wedding (again...that's a big deal for a lady!). And there commenced "trying".
Well, it didn't take much "trying" (though we still did our due diligence and made sure we gave it our all) ;0) and we were pregnant! It was a brutal first few months of pregnancy, nausea all the time, serious back pain from the start, and an instant baby bump, but all the while I had Leon by my side making everything as easy as possible and waiting on me hand and foot.
And now...he proposed!! We're engaged...and well let me be a little vain for just a minute (so not my style normally, I know!) The ring is AMAZING!! It's perfect, exactly what I wanted (I did give him a few hints...or exact parameters). It's gorgeous and perfect...just like him. And now he's my fiancé!! I couldn't be happier. OK...so that's the good. So what's with the title? The good with the bad...well...
Christina. That is the name of Satan. Leon's ex wife is the biggest bitch that has ever lived. And to top it off she has absolutely no brain inside her head. It's filled with bricks.
And now...you know what's funny...I've spent all this time thinking about Leon and how happy he makes me...and though if I took a second I could remember...but I've completely forgotten what I wanted to vent about Christina. There's so much...so expect a post soon....but now I'm just going to go love up on my man. :0)
For the past seven months I have been in wonderland, in complete and utter happiness, and it's all thanks to one man. I remember where I was seven months ago before meeting him, I wasn't interested in anything serious. I was done with men (again) fed-up, had lost all hope in the opposite sex and was only interested in having fun and not getting attached. So when I walked in to that Menchies that warm July Sunday I wasn't expecting much. But then...I saw him, and I though "uh-oh". And the "date" continued and it only got worse "uh-oh...I'm in trouble" I knew that if he proved to be as special as he seemed in that first hour over frozen yogurt that I was in grave danger of falling completely and utterly in love. And not only did he prove it, but he surpassed any expectation, any hope I had ever had for the perfect man. Not only is he gorgeous and intelligent, but he's silly, and goofy, and fun, and kind and sensitive, and tough and caring (plus the sex is amazing too!) ;0). To say that he has the "total package" would be a gross understatement. He makes me feel like the most loved and cherished woman in the world.
It took no time before we were "official" and even less time for us to admit that we were completely in love with each other. Two months later we were packing up and moving in together. If it weren't for both of our pending divorces we would have been on our way down the aisle the very next day. But unfortunately psycho exes, and the slow and annoying legal system prevented that.
One night we were talking, as we did often, about how we each wanted more kids and couldn't wait to start our family. How we had to wait who knows how long until we could be married. And considering we both were in agreement about having three more kids together, we were frustrated that we had to wait for the technicality of the finalized divorce before we could get started. Well, with all that in mind, the fact that I want to be done popping the little ones out by 30 (4 short years away), and issues like being thin for a wedding dress (huge deal!!) ;0P we thought "well...why don't we just get pregnant now?" We joked for a minute, that's crazy..."what will people think" well that was me, he instantly said "I don't care what other people think". And with that we decided there was really no point in waiting, and if we got pregnant right away we would have the baby and that would leave enough time for me to slim down after the baby and before a wedding (again...that's a big deal for a lady!). And there commenced "trying".
Well, it didn't take much "trying" (though we still did our due diligence and made sure we gave it our all) ;0) and we were pregnant! It was a brutal first few months of pregnancy, nausea all the time, serious back pain from the start, and an instant baby bump, but all the while I had Leon by my side making everything as easy as possible and waiting on me hand and foot.
And now...he proposed!! We're engaged...and well let me be a little vain for just a minute (so not my style normally, I know!) The ring is AMAZING!! It's perfect, exactly what I wanted (I did give him a few hints...or exact parameters). It's gorgeous and perfect...just like him. And now he's my fiancé!! I couldn't be happier. OK...so that's the good. So what's with the title? The good with the bad...well...
Christina. That is the name of Satan. Leon's ex wife is the biggest bitch that has ever lived. And to top it off she has absolutely no brain inside her head. It's filled with bricks.
And now...you know what's funny...I've spent all this time thinking about Leon and how happy he makes me...and though if I took a second I could remember...but I've completely forgotten what I wanted to vent about Christina. There's so much...so expect a post soon....but now I'm just going to go love up on my man. :0)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Feminism
How am I supposed to write an essay about feminism? I self have self subscribed myself to the category of "anti-feminist". And just on the eve of my presentation I am plagued, yet again (for this plague is a monthly torment to my organically female being) by this sickness, this punishment for my desire for knowledge. Have we not been punished enough? Yes the epidural is a welcomed respite from the pain we women must endure (a non-godsend I'm sure a woman dreamed up), but why must we MONTHLY be made to endure this torture?!?
I'm asking myself this as I sit in class listening to a lecture on feminism as a critical theory in literature. All the knowledge and desire to learn leaves my thoughts and is replaced by "will this MAN (though a gay man struggling with his own gender roles and place in society) PLEASE not go over class time! I'm woefully unprepared to stop this bleeding for even another minute! And you wouldn't understand" well, there's my punishment for wanting of the fruit of knowledge...knowledge is stripped from me as my feminine functions take center stage in my mind.
As I consider the consequences of my unpreparedness for the period that came a week and a half early, much longer than expected (in tampon terms) class, I realize our entire first half was to discuss "what makes a person one gender or sex an not another" while the roles that a prescribed to each are unfortunate functions of society with little imagination...nature is making me bleed...I am therefore woman.
Ugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
I'm asking myself this as I sit in class listening to a lecture on feminism as a critical theory in literature. All the knowledge and desire to learn leaves my thoughts and is replaced by "will this MAN (though a gay man struggling with his own gender roles and place in society) PLEASE not go over class time! I'm woefully unprepared to stop this bleeding for even another minute! And you wouldn't understand" well, there's my punishment for wanting of the fruit of knowledge...knowledge is stripped from me as my feminine functions take center stage in my mind.
As I consider the consequences of my unpreparedness for the period that came a week and a half early, much longer than expected (in tampon terms) class, I realize our entire first half was to discuss "what makes a person one gender or sex an not another" while the roles that a prescribed to each are unfortunate functions of society with little imagination...nature is making me bleed...I am therefore woman.
Ugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Mood
My mood is always purple and pink these days. "Love, Romance, Very Happy, Passion". I'm so deeply in love. It's almost ridiculous. I am meant to be with Leon, for now and for forever. I know this with one hundred percent of my heart. I've found my soul mate, I've found my other half. Everything is so perfect and so wonderful. It's only been a month (or 4 depending on how you look at it) but I've never known something more than I know this. I'm sure there will come a time when we might fight...I actually look forward to the first time that happens...because I know I'll love him more each and every day and with each and every new adventure and new moment we share, even in arguments, just as in joy I'll know, like I know now that he is the epitome of love and happiness in my life. I only hope I can do everything for him, and give everything to him, and more, that he gives to me.
I love you Leon.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The EX
Anyone who has ever had an "ex" knows what it is like. All the things that you ever loved about them just melt away, and all you are left with is the raw, unromanticized, ugly version of that person. The "love is blind" no longer applies when the love is gone. Dislike is never blind. You see every flaw, if there is anything you miss it is from the good of that person. At least that's how I feel. In particular with how I feel about my evil ex-husband. Right now I feel so scared, and lost...and even alone. I have an amazing boyfriend...he wants to help me...as much as he can...he wants to be there for me...but...I don't know. I don't know why I can't ask him for help, or accept his help. I feel like it wouldn't be right...but I think more than that...it kind of also stems from a bit of mistrust. In a weird way...if I totally mistrusted him (and were a bit of an evil person myself) I would just take all I could get from him...take, take, take. But it goes a little deeper than that I think. To a place I don't even understand. I love him...I want to be with him...but right now, we can't even legally be together. And we have to kind of sneak around...and everyone has their opinions about us...and as much as I just want to jump head first and believe in what I've always dreamt of, always wanted, true love and all that happily-ever-after stuff, and believe that, without taking the time to test the waters, our love could possibly be deep enough to keep me from splitting my head open when my care-free dive encounters what could possibly be a shallow pool...or perhaps our love might be deep enough...but all the bloody boulders sticking their way in...they're hard to miss. Don't know if that metaphor translated from my head well...but the point is...I'm trying so hard to trust and at times I am SO sure...SOOOOO sure...but then something like him offering to help comes up...and I just don't feel like I deserve it, like I'm good enough, or worth it...and maybe if I accepted it he would see it too...does that even make sense? I don't think that really does...but here I am crying about it...so somehow, in my own head it must.
I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.
I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.
Monday, August 23, 2010
My Gorgeous Man
I want this to be it, I want him to be it. To be the one. To be everything. Each day is new and exciting and an amazing adventure. And I see my life with him, and I'm always smiling. Happiness as I look at him over dinner. Happiness as I walk down the aisle to his side. Happiness as we hold our baby in our arms. And the one that makes me happy and makes me see all these things has a face now. When I used to see my life ahead of me, those things yet to be, I saw the things, I saw the happiness and the love, but I never saw him. I had no face to the one that would be my everything, because I hadn't seen him yet. Now that I have, his is the only face I see. I still have my fears, I don't want to lose him, to lose this...but the reward is worth the risk and I'm willing to risk it all for what I see with him, how I feel for him.
I don't get any readers here, which I really don't mind. I write for me, I write for a record and a release. I like to look back and reflect on how I have felt in the past. I won't look back now, I know I had a dark time recently, I just want to move forward now. But I know that I was in such a dark place due to the darkness that I had let into my life. And now I have a light. A light that is all encompassing in my world, filling every moment with warmth. I feel like I can do anything, that life is possible, love is here, and I don't have to worry or stress.
I'm going to give a little story to explain, in part, how he makes me feel. After a few years of battling my "allergies"...some of you know about this plague to my life. I'm allergic to stress apparently. And pretty much daily I am at risk for breaking out in severe hives. Wherever gets the breakout (usually a place that gets an extra amount of "friction" i.e. my hands b/c of massage, feet b/c of waitressing, throat is I have a cough, etc. etc.) feels like a fire has broken out, it itches like poison oak, and feels like either a severe bruise that is being constantly poked, or a broken bone if it is in some locations like around a joint. Nothing seemed to help, no matter what I couldn't not be "stressed" it would seem. It didn't matter if I felt life was going well, or that nothing was bothering me...I was happy...still had the issue. Steroids helped, but as my mom called it the "moon face" wasn't worth it really (nor was the passing out 30 minutes after taking my meds due to my easily influenced grogginess with meds). And then I found "ranatadine" now, how an acid reducer prevents hives is beyond my scope of knowledge...but it works pretty well. Too much acid, too much stress, or missing a dosage will generally result in a breakout though. But the doctor that finally found a manageable solution to the issue said that she had had the same issue at one point in her life, but that she had been able to get over it completely without medicine. She had been given a beautiful gift by her parents though...they told her she could drop out of med school, move back in and that they would support her 100%, financially and otherwise. Well..sadly I'm not with that option, and (as much as I love them) sometimes my parents are the greatest cause of my stress...so it's been almost 6 years now...and no relief except that which my twice daily medicine provides. I know this is a long story for this short explanation...I feel that level of calm, security, stress-free, safe, love, relief....from him, from being with him.
Ok...I'm so sleepy, and the screen is starting to kill my eyes in the dark here...but the point of all of this...I love him. Leon...I love Leon...forever.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
How can I still love him?
I miss him...I'm drunk...so does it really count? How could I have ever loved him? Yet alone now? I miss him. I don't know that I miss him as much as what I thought he was. I trusted him, and I believed he loved me. I could hold him in my arms and feel whole. Like I was loved, Like I was treasured. But it was a lie. And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to find that again. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. And I blame him...I could still be with Josh...I know that's not right...but I'm so alone. I'm so alone...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Today and Everyday
I'm done. I'm so done...I hate all the bullshit...I hate men...I hate relationships...I'm done. I'm lost and broken and I don't know what to do. I want to believe there's something out there, something better...but I'm far too impatient to wait for it. That's what it all comes down to...impatience...I want it now, I want to have my happy ending now. Oh...ouch! Happy "ENDING" I don't like the sound of that...I want to have my happy beginning now. I messaged Jeff last night...haha...stupid. I don't care though, I was drunk and it was something to do.
I went to Disneyland with Mike (Irish Mike)...he's a lost cause.
I was supposed to go with Joshua (Rebound), but he wanted to slow things down and put space between us b/c he is afraid of getting attached. I get it. He leaves Monday, I think, for his training which will have him gone for about 5 weeks. Then he's only here till October before he deploys for seven months. How would I be able to do that? I don't know if I could. I mean...I never cheated on Giovanni while I was in Hawaii, and that was about six months, then xmas break, then another six months...I would seriously need to invest in a vibrator...but then he's only in CA for maybe another year or so...and then he's back off to Texas. And as much as I want to have romantical notions and believe that maybe there's a shot for us "who knows, life is short, regret nothing, never say never" all that sort of stuff...I can't move Eva away from her dad like that...not even if I got a job in Texas (I have no clue, maybe there are better opportunities there for High School English teachers...), not even if I married Joshua...and I know he would never stay here. He misses Texas too much, he is too Texan for CA. So even though my mind says "it's too soon to be thinking about those things, just hang out and have fun and see where it goes, if it goes anywhere, maybe there's a way, you don't know what this is yet"...I have to be smart and realize that those are important things to think of...so no one gets hurt in the long run. Even if I convince myself he and I could just hang out and hook up while he is here...I know I would get attached...from what he's said he probably would too. And then when it has to end, because there are no foreseeable remedies for the situation we would be in when he is out of the military...one or both of us would get hurt. A sure thing. I know that there is always a chance of someone getting hurt, any time you start a relationship...but the reason you try is because you have to believe that there is also a chance that it can work...so it would be a silly thing to start an actual relationship with someone when you know it can't work...no matter how many "well maybe..." thoughts you might have. But I like him. I want to see him again...I hope we can.
Life is rushing by so fast and I feel like I'm drowning in the waves that just keep crashing on top of me. Every time I come up for air another one just pummels me. At least I do get that one gasp of air before the next wave hits. I am surviving with my limited oxygen...but it's getting harder. I'm running out of steam and it gets harder and harder to fight my way to the surface each time, to get that burst of air. I often feel like giving up. Letting the waves beat me down and take me. Letting life bowl me over and just sink down. It's so peaceful under the water. Once the current of the waves are far enough above you, once you've escaped into the nothingness below the world, away from the chaos...there's only a feeling of being held, floating, falling slowly, drifting away. I would prefer that feeling of surrender and nothingness...or would I? Is the pain and sweat and constant beating worth it in the end? For those few moments of air filling my lungs. Eva is like my air. And although it is so hard to juggle the forces against me when she is here...each breath of her fills me with life and the ability to keep fighting. Fighting the waves, fighting the turmoil. I have to keep fighting...I need to stop searching for a safety raft, searching for a lifeguard to pull me out of the water. I am alone in this storming sea and I am the only person who can bring myself back to shore. I need to be stronger and fight harder, no one is coming to rescue me.
I went to Disneyland with Mike (Irish Mike)...he's a lost cause.
I was supposed to go with Joshua (Rebound), but he wanted to slow things down and put space between us b/c he is afraid of getting attached. I get it. He leaves Monday, I think, for his training which will have him gone for about 5 weeks. Then he's only here till October before he deploys for seven months. How would I be able to do that? I don't know if I could. I mean...I never cheated on Giovanni while I was in Hawaii, and that was about six months, then xmas break, then another six months...I would seriously need to invest in a vibrator...but then he's only in CA for maybe another year or so...and then he's back off to Texas. And as much as I want to have romantical notions and believe that maybe there's a shot for us "who knows, life is short, regret nothing, never say never" all that sort of stuff...I can't move Eva away from her dad like that...not even if I got a job in Texas (I have no clue, maybe there are better opportunities there for High School English teachers...), not even if I married Joshua...and I know he would never stay here. He misses Texas too much, he is too Texan for CA. So even though my mind says "it's too soon to be thinking about those things, just hang out and have fun and see where it goes, if it goes anywhere, maybe there's a way, you don't know what this is yet"...I have to be smart and realize that those are important things to think of...so no one gets hurt in the long run. Even if I convince myself he and I could just hang out and hook up while he is here...I know I would get attached...from what he's said he probably would too. And then when it has to end, because there are no foreseeable remedies for the situation we would be in when he is out of the military...one or both of us would get hurt. A sure thing. I know that there is always a chance of someone getting hurt, any time you start a relationship...but the reason you try is because you have to believe that there is also a chance that it can work...so it would be a silly thing to start an actual relationship with someone when you know it can't work...no matter how many "well maybe..." thoughts you might have. But I like him. I want to see him again...I hope we can.
Life is rushing by so fast and I feel like I'm drowning in the waves that just keep crashing on top of me. Every time I come up for air another one just pummels me. At least I do get that one gasp of air before the next wave hits. I am surviving with my limited oxygen...but it's getting harder. I'm running out of steam and it gets harder and harder to fight my way to the surface each time, to get that burst of air. I often feel like giving up. Letting the waves beat me down and take me. Letting life bowl me over and just sink down. It's so peaceful under the water. Once the current of the waves are far enough above you, once you've escaped into the nothingness below the world, away from the chaos...there's only a feeling of being held, floating, falling slowly, drifting away. I would prefer that feeling of surrender and nothingness...or would I? Is the pain and sweat and constant beating worth it in the end? For those few moments of air filling my lungs. Eva is like my air. And although it is so hard to juggle the forces against me when she is here...each breath of her fills me with life and the ability to keep fighting. Fighting the waves, fighting the turmoil. I have to keep fighting...I need to stop searching for a safety raft, searching for a lifeguard to pull me out of the water. I am alone in this storming sea and I am the only person who can bring myself back to shore. I need to be stronger and fight harder, no one is coming to rescue me.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I'm Bored
I get bored so easily. I need constant attention and affection b/c I get so bored...I was getting tired of juggling different boys...mediocre boys. It was nice only b/c I could get the constant attention, but no one was interesting enough...then Joshua came along. It was perfect for me, he is affectionate and so cute, funny, mature, weird therefore interesting...but...of course "but". There's no getting around the buts. With him there are so many too...but! Haha...even with all the little (some not so little) things that are screaming warning signs...I like him. He likes me too...or he's a good actor ;-P so what I don't get is why can't we just play things by ear? Because he's ready to get married...in Texas...after he gets out of the military...
So here's my dilema...I still want to see him. Do I force it? Do I keep talking to him anyway? Do I get him to see me this weekend? He'll be gone for a month after this weekend...it might be the last chance I get to see him...
I'm talking to myself here...no one reads these...and I know me...I'm going to push it. What do I have to lose? If I don't push it: I won't see him. If I do push it: maybe I won't see him anyway, but maybe I will. It's who I am...and I like who I am. One day...one day...one day someone else will too.
But I'm bored! I'm giving him a minute to change his mind on his own ;-P not holding my breath, but trying to just chill while I'm at work. It's proving difficult b/c I'm so bored...I want to talk to someone. Him specifically.
In other news I keep dreaming about Jeff...it's pissing me off...they are random dreams...more like memories. I found the silliest thing yesterday while moving. I found a piece of paper with Jeff's number on it from high school. I thought for a second about emailing him saying he really should snap out of his shit-hole and just be my friend. I mean...seriously...I'm awesome and we always had fun. But then I remembered about the psycho chick. And I changed my mind.
In non-boy related news...I'm getting to be broke. I need to pick up shifts. I just picked up a Saturday night shift...I'm not stoked that it's the night shift on a Saturday and then I work Sunday morning...lame. I just spent some money on camera stuff, but I'm really wanting to get serious about it.
School is starting soon...I need that to go really well. One more year if I can floor it and really pack in the units. I want to add either a photography or dance class if I can find the time (time?time? Oh Cory...you're so optimistic! And a little crazy!)
So here's my dilema...I still want to see him. Do I force it? Do I keep talking to him anyway? Do I get him to see me this weekend? He'll be gone for a month after this weekend...it might be the last chance I get to see him...
I'm talking to myself here...no one reads these...and I know me...I'm going to push it. What do I have to lose? If I don't push it: I won't see him. If I do push it: maybe I won't see him anyway, but maybe I will. It's who I am...and I like who I am. One day...one day...one day someone else will too.
But I'm bored! I'm giving him a minute to change his mind on his own ;-P not holding my breath, but trying to just chill while I'm at work. It's proving difficult b/c I'm so bored...I want to talk to someone. Him specifically.
In other news I keep dreaming about Jeff...it's pissing me off...they are random dreams...more like memories. I found the silliest thing yesterday while moving. I found a piece of paper with Jeff's number on it from high school. I thought for a second about emailing him saying he really should snap out of his shit-hole and just be my friend. I mean...seriously...I'm awesome and we always had fun. But then I remembered about the psycho chick. And I changed my mind.
In non-boy related news...I'm getting to be broke. I need to pick up shifts. I just picked up a Saturday night shift...I'm not stoked that it's the night shift on a Saturday and then I work Sunday morning...lame. I just spent some money on camera stuff, but I'm really wanting to get serious about it.
School is starting soon...I need that to go really well. One more year if I can floor it and really pack in the units. I want to add either a photography or dance class if I can find the time (time?time? Oh Cory...you're so optimistic! And a little crazy!)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I'm scared
I'm worried. I'm hurting. I thought I wasn't letting myself feel this way again...but I like someone. I'm...I'm afraid I might be falling for someone. I know why I am too...because it's the safest. He's deploying in October, moving back to Texas when he gets out. It could never be /more/...but I'm considering only seeing him...since I met him I have been ignoring other boys...but that's dangerous...and...I'm just nervous...I don't want to hurt...ever again...I never want to fall in love...the movies and songs tell such a pretty story...but I just...I can't let myself believe. I don't believe...
- Cory (from the phone)
- Cory (from the phone)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Just go away
Why is your girlfriend texting me? Why is she telling me you have my FB password? Why are you checking up on me? I'm so tired of this. I just want you out of my life. You're a bad person, a bad influence. And yet I still feel something for you. That's why I need you to leave me alone. I just want to forget you. Just let me forget you! Leave me alone. Here I am talking to you. As if you were listening. As if you still cared. I know you don't. So tell the Bitch to leave me alone. And if you have anything to say, if you want to know what's going on with me...go ahead and ask. Otherwise...leave me alone.
- Cory (from the phone)
- Cory (from the phone)
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Tummies
My tum tum hurts. I haven't been treating it well. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep up this crazy life-style. Staying up too late, drinking too much...but I'm lonely. And horny...
I've been meeting and hanging out with a lot of boys lately...but none of them have been able to tempt me. None of them are a potential relationship. Only one came close to a tempting place...but that was only b/c I knew from the start that I couldn't have him. And then there's /that/ one. The love is gone there, but I'm still in mourning. I wish that when your heart breaks there could be a way to erase all the memories of that love. With most of them I wouldn't want to, the memories are fine, good, true. But with this one...all the possitive, all the love...was a lie. It was all a lie. I want to forget I was dumb enough to believe. I want to forget I was happy, b/c now I am so ashamed. Ashamed that I fell for it, ashamed that I let him lie to me...ashamed that I loved him. The love is gone now, but the memories remain. I can't get away from those.
I'm so tired...I need to sleep. I'm going to only think how nice it is to be alone in my super comfortable and beautiful bed. Goodnight world...it may be morning...but I am leaving this world for a moment of peace. Don't let my dreams haunt me. Though dreams are more real than the reality he fed me...let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Goodnight.
I've been meeting and hanging out with a lot of boys lately...but none of them have been able to tempt me. None of them are a potential relationship. Only one came close to a tempting place...but that was only b/c I knew from the start that I couldn't have him. And then there's /that/ one. The love is gone there, but I'm still in mourning. I wish that when your heart breaks there could be a way to erase all the memories of that love. With most of them I wouldn't want to, the memories are fine, good, true. But with this one...all the possitive, all the love...was a lie. It was all a lie. I want to forget I was dumb enough to believe. I want to forget I was happy, b/c now I am so ashamed. Ashamed that I fell for it, ashamed that I let him lie to me...ashamed that I loved him. The love is gone now, but the memories remain. I can't get away from those.
I'm so tired...I need to sleep. I'm going to only think how nice it is to be alone in my super comfortable and beautiful bed. Goodnight world...it may be morning...but I am leaving this world for a moment of peace. Don't let my dreams haunt me. Though dreams are more real than the reality he fed me...let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Goodnight.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Hate
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Come back to me. How are you just going on with your life? Why did I ever believe you....
It seems you can find at least one good thing about anyone...I've been lucky enough to have a good cuddler for my weekend...it would have been all benadryl otherwise.
- Cory (from the phone)
It seems you can find at least one good thing about anyone...I've been lucky enough to have a good cuddler for my weekend...it would have been all benadryl otherwise.
- Cory (from the phone)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Knowing
I miss the guy that knows when I'm rubbing his arm it means that /I/ am cold.
- Cory (from the phone)
- Cory (from the phone)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Realization
I've realized that I was right all along. I told him that he's never spent that much consistent time with me, so h had no way of knowing that he loved me the way he claimed. I told him I'd be able to handle his "clinging" but he wouldn't be able to handle mine. I knew that he was being absurd, I knew he was being overly optimistic and crazy even...I knew it...but that's all I've ever wanted in the world...to be loved like crazy, to be told they just know they love me...to not need years of dating (well...the ten years of off and on not included)
I knew this would happen...but I hate him for proving me right. I would have loved him forever for proving me wrong. I hate him for making me believe in all my dreams, in all the fairy tale endings...I hate him for making me believe and then taking it away. How could he do this to me? How could he be so malicious? So unfeeling? So uncaring? Why did this happen? How could he be so terrible when I've seen him so pure, so amazing...
I knew this would happen...but I hate him for proving me right. I would have loved him forever for proving me wrong. I hate him for making me believe in all my dreams, in all the fairy tale endings...I hate him for making me believe and then taking it away. How could he do this to me? How could he be so malicious? So unfeeling? So uncaring? Why did this happen? How could he be so terrible when I've seen him so pure, so amazing...
Monday, May 17, 2010
being strong
who is my number one priority? Eva. I am not thinking about her right now...well, I am always thinking about her when she is with me...but I mean in regards to the situation with Jeff. This can't happen... I can't let myself be tortured...I can't risk everything on a relationship that is so obviously doomed... the most important thing in a relationship is communication... and it's only been 2 months and we can't even communicate... and I am becoming a person I don't want to be...
What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, I'm so alone, I'm so torn... that's whats the worst...I'm torn... How can I let him treat me this way? I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that, and the person that loves me...especially the way he claimed to...needs to treat me with respect...and love, and cherish me...I want to die. This is hell. This is pure and utter hell. I don't want to let him go...but if he wont talk to me we are lost.
It's time to get ready for bed now...at least I have my tears blocker...Eva keeps me at least somewhat together...distracted...it's when she isn't around that I am at my worst...
I need him...I want him...I love him...he doesn't love me the same...I need to start to realize that.
What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, I'm so alone, I'm so torn... that's whats the worst...I'm torn... How can I let him treat me this way? I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that, and the person that loves me...especially the way he claimed to...needs to treat me with respect...and love, and cherish me...I want to die. This is hell. This is pure and utter hell. I don't want to let him go...but if he wont talk to me we are lost.
It's time to get ready for bed now...at least I have my tears blocker...Eva keeps me at least somewhat together...distracted...it's when she isn't around that I am at my worst...
I need him...I want him...I love him...he doesn't love me the same...I need to start to realize that.
Today
I got to be with him today...an hour...two...but now he's gone again...will I ever have him back? He'll never forgive me...I'll never forgive myself. I still could swear I'm pregnant now...my nipples are even darker...it might be a hysterical pregnancy...I'm hysterical enough...part of me wishes for it enough...part of him...half him, half me...with me always...growing inside me...the two of us...perfect. I had my chance, didn't I? And now I'll hate myself forever...our son would have been one in two months...with curly blonde hair and the bluest eyes. I saw his face once...in a picture of my love...he was beautiful...I think he's still waiting...I could die...
- Cory (from the phone)
- Cory (from the phone)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
what else could it be? Jeff.
I ate for the first time, since monday, today...smoking is going ok...it still isn't fun...but smelling like Jeff...well, I think that calms me more than the smoking does. I miss him. I need to talk to him. I need to be done with this separation...I need him back in my life...but that will never happen...until he will talk to me. As of right now, he might be ignoring me...or might have left his phone at home...I can't be sure. I miss him so...I love him so...I just pray that he still loves me...loves me the way he used to...
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