I'm scared

I'm worried. I'm hurting. I thought I wasn't letting myself feel this way again...but I like someone. I'm...I'm afraid I might be falling for someone. I know why I am too...because it's the safest. He's deploying in October, moving back to Texas when he gets out. It could never be /more/...but I'm considering only seeing him...since I met him I have been ignoring other boys...but that's dangerous...and...I'm just nervous...I don't want to hurt...ever again...I never want to fall in love...the movies and songs tell such a pretty story...but I just...I can't let myself believe. I don't believe...


- Cory (from the phone)

Just go away

Why is your girlfriend texting me? Why is she telling me you have my FB password? Why are you checking up on me? I'm so tired of this. I just want you out of my life. You're a bad person, a bad influence. And yet I still feel something for you. That's why I need you to leave me alone. I just want to forget you. Just let me forget you! Leave me alone. Here I am talking to you. As if you were listening. As if you still cared. I know you don't. So tell the Bitch to leave me alone. And if you have anything to say, if you want to know what's going on with me...go ahead and ask. Otherwise...leave me alone.


- Cory (from the phone)

My Tummies

My tum tum hurts. I haven't been treating it well. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep up this crazy life-style. Staying up too late, drinking too much...but I'm lonely. And horny...

I've been meeting and hanging out with a lot of boys lately...but none of them have been able to tempt me. None of them are a potential relationship. Only one came close to a tempting place...but that was only b/c I knew from the start that I couldn't have him. And then there's /that/ one. The love is gone there, but I'm still in mourning. I wish that when your heart breaks there could be a way to erase all the memories of that love. With most of them I wouldn't want to, the memories are fine, good, true. But with this one...all the possitive, all the love...was a lie. It was all a lie. I want to forget I was dumb enough to believe. I want to forget I was happy, b/c now I am so ashamed. Ashamed that I fell for it, ashamed that I let him lie to me...ashamed that I loved him. The love is gone now, but the memories remain. I can't get away from those.

I'm so tired...I need to sleep. I'm going to only think how nice it is to be alone in my super comfortable and beautiful bed. Goodnight world...it may be morning...but I am leaving this world for a moment of peace. Don't let my dreams haunt me. Though dreams are more real than the reality he fed me...let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Goodnight.

Hate

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Come back to me. How are you just going on with your life? Why did I ever believe you....

It seems you can find at least one good thing about anyone...I've been lucky enough to have a good cuddler for my weekend...it would have been all benadryl otherwise.


- Cory (from the phone)

Knowing

I miss the guy that knows when I'm rubbing his arm it means that /I/ am cold.


- Cory (from the phone)

Realization

I've realized that I was right all along. I told him that he's never spent that much consistent time with me, so h had no way of knowing that he loved me the way he claimed. I told him I'd be able to handle his "clinging" but he wouldn't be able to handle mine. I knew that he was being absurd, I knew he was being overly optimistic and crazy even...I knew it...but that's all I've ever wanted in the world...to be loved like crazy, to be told they just know they love me...to not need years of dating (well...the ten years of off and on not included)

I knew this would happen...but I hate him for proving me right. I would have loved him forever for proving me wrong. I hate him for making me believe in all my dreams, in all the fairy tale endings...I hate him for making me believe and then taking it away. How could he do this to me? How could he be so malicious? So unfeeling? So uncaring? Why did this happen? How could he be so terrible when I've seen him so pure, so amazing...

being strong

who is my number one priority? Eva. I am not thinking about her right now...well, I am always thinking about her when she is with me...but I mean in regards to the situation with Jeff. This can't happen... I can't let myself be tortured...I can't risk everything on a relationship that is so obviously doomed... the most important thing in a relationship is communication... and it's only been 2 months and we can't even communicate... and I am becoming a person I don't want to be...

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, I'm so alone, I'm so torn... that's whats the worst...I'm torn... How can I let him treat me this way? I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that, and the person that loves me...especially the way he claimed to...needs to treat me with respect...and love, and cherish me...I want to die. This is hell. This is pure and utter hell. I don't want to let him go...but if he wont talk to me we are lost.

It's time to get ready for bed now...at least I have my tears blocker...Eva keeps me at least somewhat together...distracted...it's when she isn't around that I am at my worst...

I need him...I want him...I love him...he doesn't love me the same...I need to start to realize that.