My Mood

My mood is always purple and pink these days. "Love, Romance, Very Happy, Passion". I'm so deeply in love. It's almost ridiculous. I am meant to be with Leon, for now and for forever. I know this with one hundred percent of my heart. I've found my soul mate, I've found my other half. Everything is so perfect and so wonderful. It's only been a month (or 4 depending on how you look at it) but I've never known something more than I know this. I'm sure there will come a time when we might fight...I actually look forward to the first time that happens...because I know I'll love him more each and every day and with each and every new adventure and new moment we share, even in arguments, just as in joy I'll know, like I know now that he is the epitome of love and happiness in my life. I only hope I can do everything for him, and give everything to him, and more, that he gives to me. 

I love you Leon.

The EX

Anyone who has ever had an "ex" knows what it is like. All the things that you ever loved about them just melt away, and all you are left with is the raw, unromanticized, ugly version of that person. The "love is blind" no longer applies when the love is gone. Dislike is never blind. You see every flaw, if there is anything you miss it is from the good of that person. At least that's how I feel. In particular with how I feel about my evil ex-husband. Right now I feel so scared, and lost...and even alone. I have an amazing boyfriend...he wants to help me...as much as he can...he wants to be there for me...but...I don't know. I don't know why I can't ask him for help, or accept his help. I feel like it wouldn't be right...but I think more than that...it kind of also stems from a bit of mistrust. In a weird way...if I totally mistrusted him (and were a bit of an evil person myself) I would just take all I could get from him...take, take, take. But it goes a little deeper than that I think. To a place I don't even understand. I love him...I want to be with him...but right now, we can't even legally be together. And we have to kind of sneak around...and everyone has their opinions about us...and as much as I just want to jump head first and believe in what I've always dreamt of, always wanted, true love and all that happily-ever-after stuff, and believe that, without taking the time to test the waters, our love could possibly be deep enough to keep me from splitting my head open when my care-free dive encounters what could possibly be a shallow pool...or perhaps our love might be deep enough...but all the bloody boulders sticking their way in...they're hard to miss. Don't know if that metaphor translated from my head well...but the point is...I'm trying so hard to trust and at times I am SO sure...SOOOOO sure...but then something like him offering to help comes up...and I just don't feel like I deserve it, like I'm good enough, or worth it...and maybe if I accepted it he would see it too...does that even make sense? I don't think that really does...but here I am crying about it...so somehow, in my own head it must.

I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.

My Gorgeous Man

I haven't posted in quite a while. I tend to post more to complain or vent than I do to talk about how blissfully happy I am. Well..I've never been this blissfully happy before. I'm in love. "Haven't we been here before Cory?" Sure. I've said "I'm in love" before. But has it ever been this? Have I ever felt this before? No. But that's the beauty of life. I've thought I've felt something as powerfully as I possibly could...but that's only because I hadn't felt the next thing yet. And with him...each next thing, is the next thing. And it's all him. It hasn't been long. I'm not going to lie, it's been a crazy short amount of time. But in that time, I have felt more than I have ever felt before, and he has been more than anyone else has been before. And the past is melting away. The pain is melting away. In his arms I feel completely whole, I feel completely safe. And I trust. I never trust, but him I trust.

I want this to be it, I want him to be it. To be the one. To be everything. Each day is new and exciting and an amazing adventure. And I see my life with him, and I'm always smiling. Happiness as I look at him over dinner. Happiness as I walk down the aisle to his side. Happiness as we hold our baby in our arms. And the one that makes me happy and makes me see all these things has a face now. When I used to see my life ahead of me, those things yet to be, I saw the things, I saw the happiness and the love, but I never saw him. I had no face to the one that would be my everything, because I hadn't seen him yet. Now that I have, his is the only face I see. I still have my fears, I don't want to lose him, to lose this...but the reward is worth the risk and I'm willing to risk it all for what I see with him, how I feel for him.

I don't get any readers here, which I really don't mind. I write for me, I write for a record and a release. I like to look back and reflect on how I have felt in the past. I won't look back now, I know I had a dark time recently, I just want to move forward now. But I know that I was in such a dark place due to the darkness that I had let into my life. And now I have a light. A light that is all encompassing in my world, filling every moment with warmth. I feel like I can do anything, that life is possible, love is here, and I don't have to worry or stress.

I'm going to give a little story to explain, in part, how he makes me feel. After a few years of battling my "allergies"...some of you know about this plague to my life. I'm allergic to stress apparently. And pretty much daily I am at risk for breaking out in severe hives. Wherever gets the breakout (usually a place that gets an extra amount of "friction" i.e. my hands b/c of massage, feet b/c of waitressing, throat is I have a cough, etc. etc.) feels like a fire has broken out, it itches like poison oak, and feels like either a severe bruise that is being constantly poked, or a broken bone if it is in some locations like around a joint. Nothing seemed to help, no matter what I couldn't not be "stressed" it would seem. It didn't matter if I felt life was going well, or that nothing was bothering me...I was happy...still had the issue. Steroids helped, but as my mom called it the "moon face" wasn't worth it really (nor was the passing out 30 minutes after taking my meds due to my easily influenced grogginess with meds). And then I found "ranatadine" now, how an acid reducer prevents hives is beyond my scope of knowledge...but it works pretty well. Too much acid, too much stress, or missing a dosage will generally result in a breakout though. But the doctor that finally found a manageable solution to the issue said that she had had the same issue at one point in her life, but that she had been able to get over it completely without medicine. She had been given a beautiful gift by her parents though...they told her she could drop out of med school, move back in and that they would support her 100%, financially and otherwise. Well..sadly I'm not with that option, and (as much as I love them) sometimes my parents are the greatest cause of my stress...so it's been almost 6 years now...and no relief except that which my twice daily medicine provides. I know this is a long story for this short explanation...I feel that level of calm, security, stress-free, safe, love, relief....from him, from being with him.

Ok...I'm so sleepy, and the screen is starting to kill my eyes in the dark here...but the point of all of this...I love him. Leon...I love Leon...forever.