How can I still love him?

I miss him...I'm drunk...so does it really count? How could I have ever loved him? Yet alone now? I miss him. I don't know that I miss him as much as what I thought he was. I trusted him, and I believed he loved me. I could hold him in my arms and feel whole. Like I was loved, Like I was treasured. But it was a lie. And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to find that again. I feel so alone. I feel so lost. And I blame him...I could still be with Josh...I know that's not right...but I'm so alone. I'm so alone...

Today and Everyday

I'm done. I'm so done...I hate all the bullshit...I hate men...I hate relationships...I'm done. I'm lost and broken and I don't know what to do. I want to believe there's something out there, something better...but I'm far too impatient to wait for it. That's what it all comes down to...impatience...I want it now, I want to have my happy ending now. Oh...ouch! Happy "ENDING" I don't like the sound of that...I want to have my happy beginning now. I messaged Jeff last night...haha...stupid. I don't care though, I was drunk and it was something to do.

I went to Disneyland with Mike (Irish Mike)...he's a lost cause.

I was supposed to go with Joshua (Rebound), but he wanted to slow things down and put space between us b/c he is afraid of getting attached. I get it. He leaves Monday, I think, for his training which will have him gone for about 5 weeks. Then he's only here till October before he deploys for seven months. How would I be able to do that? I don't know if I could. I mean...I never cheated on Giovanni while I was in Hawaii, and that was about six months, then xmas break, then another six months...I would seriously need to invest in a vibrator...but then he's only in CA for maybe another year or so...and then he's back off to Texas. And as much as I want to have romantical notions and believe that maybe there's a shot for us "who knows, life is short, regret nothing, never say never" all that sort of stuff...I can't move Eva away from her dad like that...not even if I got a job in Texas (I have no clue, maybe there are better opportunities there for High School English teachers...), not even if I married Joshua...and I know he would never stay here. He misses Texas too much, he is too Texan for CA. So even though my mind says "it's too soon to be thinking about those things, just hang out and have fun and see where it goes, if it goes anywhere, maybe there's a way, you don't know what this is yet"...I have to be smart and realize that those are important things to think of...so no one gets hurt in the long run. Even if I convince myself he and I could just hang out and hook up while he is here...I know I would get attached...from what he's said he probably would too. And then when it has to end, because there are no foreseeable remedies for the situation we would be in when he is out of the military...one or both of us would get hurt. A sure thing. I know that there is always a chance of someone getting hurt, any time you start a relationship...but the reason you try is because you have to believe that there is also a chance that it can work...so it would be a silly thing to start an actual relationship with someone when you know it can't work...no matter how many "well maybe..." thoughts you might have. But I like him. I want to see him again...I hope we can.

Life is rushing by so fast and I feel like I'm drowning in the waves that just keep crashing on top of me. Every time I come up for air another one just pummels me. At least I do get that one gasp of air before the next wave hits. I am surviving with my limited oxygen...but it's getting harder. I'm running out of steam and it gets harder and harder to fight my way to the surface each time, to get that burst of air. I often feel like giving up. Letting the waves beat me down and take me. Letting life bowl me over and just sink down. It's so peaceful under the water. Once the current of the waves are far enough above you, once you've escaped into the nothingness below the world, away from the chaos...there's only a feeling of being held, floating, falling slowly, drifting away. I would prefer that feeling of surrender and nothingness...or would I? Is the pain and sweat and constant beating worth it in the end? For those few moments of air filling my lungs. Eva is like my air. And although it is so hard to juggle the forces against me when she is here...each breath of her fills me with life and the ability to keep fighting. Fighting the waves, fighting the turmoil. I have to keep fighting...I need to stop searching for a safety raft, searching for a lifeguard to pull me out of the water. I am alone in this storming sea and I am the only person who can bring myself back to shore. I need to be stronger and fight harder, no one is coming to rescue me.

I'm Bored

I get bored so easily. I need constant attention and affection b/c I get so bored...I was getting tired of juggling different boys...mediocre boys. It was nice only b/c I could get the constant attention, but no one was interesting enough...then Joshua came along. It was perfect for me, he is affectionate and so cute, funny, mature, weird therefore interesting...but...of course "but". There's no getting around the buts. With him there are so many too...but! Haha...even with all the little (some not so little) things that are screaming warning signs...I like him. He likes me too...or he's a good actor ;-P so what I don't get is why can't we just play things by ear? Because he's ready to get married...in Texas...after he gets out of the military...

So here's my dilema...I still want to see him. Do I force it? Do I keep talking to him anyway? Do I get him to see me this weekend? He'll be gone for a month after this weekend...it might be the last chance I get to see him...

I'm talking to myself here...no one reads these...and I know me...I'm going to push it. What do I have to lose? If I don't push it: I won't see him. If I do push it: maybe I won't see him anyway, but maybe I will. It's who I am...and I like who I am. One day...one day...one day someone else will too.

But I'm bored! I'm giving him a minute to change his mind on his own ;-P not holding my breath, but trying to just chill while I'm at work. It's proving difficult b/c I'm so bored...I want to talk to someone. Him specifically.

In other news I keep dreaming about Jeff...it's pissing me off...they are random dreams...more like memories. I found the silliest thing yesterday while moving. I found a piece of paper with Jeff's number on it from high school. I thought for a second about emailing him saying he really should snap out of his shit-hole and just be my friend. I mean...seriously...I'm awesome and we always had fun. But then I remembered about the psycho chick. And I changed my mind.

In non-boy related news...I'm getting to be broke. I need to pick up shifts. I just picked up a Saturday night shift...I'm not stoked that it's the night shift on a Saturday and then I work Sunday morning...lame. I just spent some money on camera stuff, but I'm really wanting to get serious about it.

School is starting soon...I need that to go really well. One more year if I can floor it and really pack in the units. I want to add either a photography or dance class if I can find the time (time?time? Oh Cory...you're so optimistic! And a little crazy!)