Waste

I feel like I'm wasting myself with him. At this point in my life I don't need the distraction of a serious relationship, the kind that I give my whole self up to, and the kind that I receive everything from. I know it's ok to be in a casual relationship, it's just so hard to go backwards and not just chuck the whole thing and call it a day. But I feel like I'm being wasted. The only thing that he wants is a little piece of property that he can use to make him feel like a man. That he can use as a release, that he can use to feel himself complete. I'm not something to be used. I'm something to be cherished. I feel like I am being wasted b/c I have so much to give and to offer, I have so much love inside of me and I want to give it, I want to have someone to offer it to. I give all my heart to Eva and I get all of hers in return, and that is my biggest joy. But I also want that feeling from a man. From a grown up, from a lover. I don't get that feeling from him. I feel like he is an abyss that I thrust all of my love into and there is no place for it to go. It just falls forever and serves no purpose, and is just lost. Lost from me and something he will never find. And the way he makes me feel...well, if that abyss is where his heart should be, you can imagine the big fat nothingness that is what comes out of it as well. I feel nothing, I know he feels nothing too. But I've been giving everything. I hate to think that I will relive this scenario on forever until I have nothing left to give. At least I know I will always have somehting to give. After Josh I thought I was done, there was nothing left inside of me. But I was wrong. I can love, I can accept love, I can be true and honest and open. Now the task is only to find another who can do the same. But for now...for now I am ok. For now I need to focus on other things, and therefore I will transform into the one that transforms me. I will become the user. I will form an abyss to put all the feelings he acknowledges in me, I will put them there and never feel them. I will keep them away from my heart. Away from the one place he only hurts. I will be free of him, but close to him together. If I can do this as he does, then I will get all the benefits without the pain, just as he does. Only problem now is the pretending. The lying to make him believe. In order for this to work he has to believe he has my heart. If he believes otherwise, he will fight for it. Not because of his deep love and devotion, but because of his ego and pride. And it will cause fights as well...I don't want to fight anymore. Fighting without passion and love as the driving force is nothing but misery and pain, a large annoyance. I will deceive him. And this way I can enjoy his company, his friendship and have a relationship that fulfills me in ways I still need, even if it is not in all the ways I need, I will be satisfied for now. And when the time comes for more, when I am ready, when I am me, all by myself, me; strong and secure, then is when I will look for more. If I have to find it elsewhere I will. I have no doubt that it is achievable, I have no doubt it is out there, I have no doubt it is waiting for me. I doubt he is the one. I doubt he can change, I doubt he is ready, I doubt him. I don't doubt me. And when that day comes, if I choose to leave him, at least I know he wont be able to whine to the next victim that he was the perfect boyfriend. So many reasons...one; he isn't my boyfriend. He is my sometimes lover. And of course, he was never perfect. Not once. Not even in the beginning. I don't ask for perfection from him, but he believes he gives it. He does not. I don't expect perfection...but I expect that he strive to be so. I do. I strive to be perfect. I know I could never be everything, I could never be perfect, but I am deserving, I am loving, I am true and should be treasured for all the love and happiness that is me. I deserve a man who loves me, who knows he loves me and doesn't question it. Never questions it. I don't mean to say that he must always be perfect in his actions to prove he is, but that he should be perfect in his heart. His heart should be fully aware of his commitment to me, and it will be made known through his actions. And should he make mistakes, I know this man, this love I have yet to find, will correct them. And I know that if he loves me, I will know he loves me, and I will trust.

Well, fortunately, this blog has no readers, otherwise I'm not even sure I'd be understood. But I've shut off my heart. I've taken it away and boxed it up in anticipation of my future love. I will open that box one day and the gift for the one receiving it will be unmeasurable. I will have my fairytale.