Emotional Bank

It seems like all he does these days is make withdrawls from my emotional bank. When the relationship started he made so many loving deposits that my vault was busting at the seems...maybe that's why I've been able to hold on for so long. But these days it seems like he's overdrawing before he gets the chance to make a new deposit...there's more times the bank is empty now than does it have anything in it...a person can't get by on nothing...

Relations

Romance. Transcendence. I want to transcend mediocrity and acheive greatness in love. I want to believe it's possible...there is no way love songs and romance movies came from pure imagination. And men write these fairy tales too. There must be somewhere, someone, who can be my everything.


- Cory (from the phone)

Waste

I feel like I'm wasting myself with him. At this point in my life I don't need the distraction of a serious relationship, the kind that I give my whole self up to, and the kind that I receive everything from. I know it's ok to be in a casual relationship, it's just so hard to go backwards and not just chuck the whole thing and call it a day. But I feel like I'm being wasted. The only thing that he wants is a little piece of property that he can use to make him feel like a man. That he can use as a release, that he can use to feel himself complete. I'm not something to be used. I'm something to be cherished. I feel like I am being wasted b/c I have so much to give and to offer, I have so much love inside of me and I want to give it, I want to have someone to offer it to. I give all my heart to Eva and I get all of hers in return, and that is my biggest joy. But I also want that feeling from a man. From a grown up, from a lover. I don't get that feeling from him. I feel like he is an abyss that I thrust all of my love into and there is no place for it to go. It just falls forever and serves no purpose, and is just lost. Lost from me and something he will never find. And the way he makes me feel...well, if that abyss is where his heart should be, you can imagine the big fat nothingness that is what comes out of it as well. I feel nothing, I know he feels nothing too. But I've been giving everything. I hate to think that I will relive this scenario on forever until I have nothing left to give. At least I know I will always have somehting to give. After Josh I thought I was done, there was nothing left inside of me. But I was wrong. I can love, I can accept love, I can be true and honest and open. Now the task is only to find another who can do the same. But for now...for now I am ok. For now I need to focus on other things, and therefore I will transform into the one that transforms me. I will become the user. I will form an abyss to put all the feelings he acknowledges in me, I will put them there and never feel them. I will keep them away from my heart. Away from the one place he only hurts. I will be free of him, but close to him together. If I can do this as he does, then I will get all the benefits without the pain, just as he does. Only problem now is the pretending. The lying to make him believe. In order for this to work he has to believe he has my heart. If he believes otherwise, he will fight for it. Not because of his deep love and devotion, but because of his ego and pride. And it will cause fights as well...I don't want to fight anymore. Fighting without passion and love as the driving force is nothing but misery and pain, a large annoyance. I will deceive him. And this way I can enjoy his company, his friendship and have a relationship that fulfills me in ways I still need, even if it is not in all the ways I need, I will be satisfied for now. And when the time comes for more, when I am ready, when I am me, all by myself, me; strong and secure, then is when I will look for more. If I have to find it elsewhere I will. I have no doubt that it is achievable, I have no doubt it is out there, I have no doubt it is waiting for me. I doubt he is the one. I doubt he can change, I doubt he is ready, I doubt him. I don't doubt me. And when that day comes, if I choose to leave him, at least I know he wont be able to whine to the next victim that he was the perfect boyfriend. So many reasons...one; he isn't my boyfriend. He is my sometimes lover. And of course, he was never perfect. Not once. Not even in the beginning. I don't ask for perfection from him, but he believes he gives it. He does not. I don't expect perfection...but I expect that he strive to be so. I do. I strive to be perfect. I know I could never be everything, I could never be perfect, but I am deserving, I am loving, I am true and should be treasured for all the love and happiness that is me. I deserve a man who loves me, who knows he loves me and doesn't question it. Never questions it. I don't mean to say that he must always be perfect in his actions to prove he is, but that he should be perfect in his heart. His heart should be fully aware of his commitment to me, and it will be made known through his actions. And should he make mistakes, I know this man, this love I have yet to find, will correct them. And I know that if he loves me, I will know he loves me, and I will trust.

Well, fortunately, this blog has no readers, otherwise I'm not even sure I'd be understood. But I've shut off my heart. I've taken it away and boxed it up in anticipation of my future love. I will open that box one day and the gift for the one receiving it will be unmeasurable. I will have my fairytale.

My seperating heart

How do you let yourself love someone and then be forced to take that love and make it less and not have scars from tearing that piece of your heart away? The wound has grown and what once was soft and supple is now coarse and crude. The cruelty of the beast has infected the whole and turned my once love into a sometimes love. My heart has broken and your claim has fallen to disrepair. Only a tender, true touch could mend this shattered part of me. The shards warn off any contender, only now could a superman come close enough to try the pieces together and make a love from loss. I ask you to tie mine to yours as I had done and feel each beating pulse the way I felt yours. Beating into me and crushing every flutter. How sad the strength that sits alone and firm, against all, all becomes against.


- Cory (from the phone)

Today

It's hard to make the right decision when it comes to matters of love. It's even harder when the one you love has no idea what he wants. All he knows is "he doesn't want to lose me forever" but if we could take a "break" and only see each other when it's convienent for him, occassionally, then it would be perfect for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too...he wants to be able to sleep with me and kiss me and cuddle with me whenever he wants, but to ignore me, flirt with other girls, and have alone time whenever he wants to.
But I can't leave him. Even though I know we aren't in the same place and don't want the same things...I'm in love with him. It's been 10 months, the majority of which have been wonderful, but there's been too much pain...it took me 3 years and an affair to leave Josh even though I was unhappy...oh well. I'll keep trying to just take care of myself and work on falling out of love...

Till next time cyber space ;-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Busy, Busy, Busy

Well, I got my History test back... B-!!!! Yay! I was expecting much worse! I'm so glad. And I've gotten started reading for the class, hoping to be on track now. Now I only have a revision, and then a paper to write. Wish me luck. It's time for me to pull out all the stops and get all A's from now on!!! Of course I also have my entire life outside of school waiting for me once I leave here. Halloween costumes, bills need to be paid, and I have to finish my massage state certification, and renew Eva's health insurance. And that's just the most important, coming up in the next few days, not everything else I have to do once all of that is done...Busy, busy, busy...here I go, getting started.

My first Blog

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his highth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
      If this be error and upon me proved,
      I never writ, not no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare


Even a cynic like Shakespeare believes in love. Even my Shakespeare literate teacher, obsessed with the dark and the ugly, and the dirty that is Shakespeare couldn't find something dark in this sonnet. Love exists, it's real, and everlasting. I won't believe any different. The corruption of the world, the changing times, I don't care. There is a happily ever after, there is always love.