I've got myself a mean case of the "baby blues". A combination of sleep deprivation and malnutrition has me bursting into fits of tears and sobs. My head aches, I can't think straight, my tailbone is starting to act up again from CONSTANT seated position (I almost spelled that "potition" because I couldn't figure out how else it would be spelled...to give you an idea of how well my brain is currently working), my legs ache from lack of use, I managed to take a shower...but I an absolute wreck because I wasn't able to blow dry, let alone brush, my hair...and what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to ask for help. It's Saturday and Leon is here...well...I don't want to ASK for help for the hundredth time. I don't want to say "can you take the baby?", "can you change the baby?", "can you burp baby?" one more time...I tried to explain to Leon that I feel like I'm nagging when I'm constantly having to ask. He says it's not nagging...but I don't care really if he thinks it is, I do, and I don't want to do it. Besides I feel there are many instances where it's obvious and he could take the initiative on his own.
I tried explaining how I was feeling to him...I tried to tell him that I don't care if the house is a little bit of a mess right now, if the dishes are done, if the floor is vacuumed...so when he "does these things so I don't have to", I would much prefer that he give me a break from the baby that has quite nearly become fused to my boob/chest/arm. Even if it means I'm doing the dishes or walking the dog or cleaning. I need to be doing something more than sitting...and nursing. I tried to explain this...I said those words even...and yet...
Yesterday Leon said "tomorrow you're taking a nap. I can bottle feed all day, you need some extra sleep". This statement probably stemmed from my breakdown last night where I stormed off to change yet another diaper and pretty much stopped talking or looking at him, and any response I gave was a muffled "hmph" or "mmhm", with a bit of glaring on the side. We made up...I ate and got a bit more sleep last night. But today rolled around and after errands were done and both the other kids were off to the "other parents" houses we managed to have a shower...and then...I've been holding the baby in the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing ever since. Leon has been cleaning the house. It's looking great of course...but I'm sitting on the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing. "You should be sleeping" is what he says while I pat the baby and watch TV or play solitaire on the iPad..."then take the baby and I will" is what I say in my head...but instead I just close my eyes and make like I'm trying to sleep...which I can't do while sitting in the rocker. So he goes back to cleaning. Then "go lie down on the couch with her then"...well, she needs a new diaper, and I know that if I change her she won't be sleeping anymore. Leon changes her. Brings her back to me (now "comfortable" lying on the couch) and she's wide awake. Now she's fussy and wants to nurse. Back to the rocker. By now I'm starving. No worries...Leon to the rescue to make me some food. Me...on the rocker...with the baby. Nursing. Burping. Soothing. And then she needs to be changed, by this point my eyes have been pouring out as I try to silently rock the baby without waking her when I repetition so my tailbone stops aching...by the time I make it back to the bedroom to change her I'm sobbing and can't see Teagan through the tears as I change her. Then she's hungry...again. So I lay down with her in bed to feed her...and try to at least rest my tired eyes. Leon comes in...food's done I'm sure...he kisses me on the forehead and heads back out. I'm sure he's relieved I seem to be sleeping. Baby needs the other side...I turn over. Baby needs to burp...I start writing a blog. Leon comes in again and sees I'm up. He takes the baby so I can go eat. I'm in the bathroom finishing this instead. And then I'm blow drying my hair. I don't care that whatever food he made (that I'm in no mood to eat anymore) is getting cold.
So...yeah "baby blues" I've got them alright.
But you'd be surprised that even through the tears, when I look down at my little angel I can't help but smile. And maybe make a little half sob, half laugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I cried today
It's amazing how little I've cried in the past nearly eleven months. But I cried today...and normally my "today" wouldn't have started for another four hours...
I'm over this pregnancy though. I'm in constant pain, I can't move without being in pain, I can't lie still or sit in one spot without something hurting. And it's been like this from day one. It was barely a month in when the nausea started...and it's never stopped...not a single day. I've been on medication for it...and that's helped...but once it wears off, it comes back. I could sit here and make a list of all the pains this pregnancy has caused...and it might help to vent...but those aren't the reasons I cried today...one time out of a handful of times in nearly a year. And keep in mind I am pregnant, and for the past 8 1/2 months I've been under a lot of stress and emotional and hormonal...and yet...I've had no real reason to cry.
I've been so happy. I've been so lucky to find someone I love so much and who I know loves me so much. The past almost-year has been the best one of my life and I'm so thankful, I'm so lucky, and I'm so happy. So I haven't cried. I haven't had reason to. I have a rock who always makes everything better. Whatever might make me sad, he's always there for me, always a reason to feel better, to stay strong. Until last night.
As I've said I'm severely pregnant and at this point unhappily so. And that alone sucks. On top of everything I also have to feel bad about feeling so bad, and not wanting to be doing this anymore...I really don't want to be doing this anymore...and that feeling sucks. And I'm nervous and on edge and scared even. Scared that it's all too much and I can't make it another day...emotionally...physically. I'm in so much pain and it's wearing on my soul. I need to be told it's ok for me to hate this, to be supported no matter what I might say trying to deal with even one more minute of this torture...not told not to think it, or not to say it. That I'll be fine, I'm strong, it's not so bad, it won't be long now. No one else is living this nightmare that I'm living...unable to function without pain, unable to feel human...even for a second. Just having my body used and seriously abused and my existence high-jacked for the past eight and a half months.
This pregnancy has been so incredibly hard, Eva was nothing compared to this, luckily this time I have the support I need to get me through this...to lift me up when I'm sure I can't stand for one more minute of it. But I needed that times a thousand last night...and instead I was told not to feel. I was told I was wrong to feel how I do...and then, after about an hour and a half of sleep I was given a kiss, not even a goodbye...and I'll be alone for the rest of the day. Actually...I won't be alone, I have both the girls. I can't even stop to wallow in my emotional wreckage because I have to be strong for them. Make food, entertain, get everyone ready and over to the doctor for my appointment, and probably even have to deal with the bedtime mess on my own tonight...of every day for the past eight months today had to be the day for this. If I survive today I'll survive it all...but I can tell you now...this won't be the only time I cry today...wish me luck.
- Cory (from the phone)
I'm over this pregnancy though. I'm in constant pain, I can't move without being in pain, I can't lie still or sit in one spot without something hurting. And it's been like this from day one. It was barely a month in when the nausea started...and it's never stopped...not a single day. I've been on medication for it...and that's helped...but once it wears off, it comes back. I could sit here and make a list of all the pains this pregnancy has caused...and it might help to vent...but those aren't the reasons I cried today...one time out of a handful of times in nearly a year. And keep in mind I am pregnant, and for the past 8 1/2 months I've been under a lot of stress and emotional and hormonal...and yet...I've had no real reason to cry.
I've been so happy. I've been so lucky to find someone I love so much and who I know loves me so much. The past almost-year has been the best one of my life and I'm so thankful, I'm so lucky, and I'm so happy. So I haven't cried. I haven't had reason to. I have a rock who always makes everything better. Whatever might make me sad, he's always there for me, always a reason to feel better, to stay strong. Until last night.
As I've said I'm severely pregnant and at this point unhappily so. And that alone sucks. On top of everything I also have to feel bad about feeling so bad, and not wanting to be doing this anymore...I really don't want to be doing this anymore...and that feeling sucks. And I'm nervous and on edge and scared even. Scared that it's all too much and I can't make it another day...emotionally...physically. I'm in so much pain and it's wearing on my soul. I need to be told it's ok for me to hate this, to be supported no matter what I might say trying to deal with even one more minute of this torture...not told not to think it, or not to say it. That I'll be fine, I'm strong, it's not so bad, it won't be long now. No one else is living this nightmare that I'm living...unable to function without pain, unable to feel human...even for a second. Just having my body used and seriously abused and my existence high-jacked for the past eight and a half months.
This pregnancy has been so incredibly hard, Eva was nothing compared to this, luckily this time I have the support I need to get me through this...to lift me up when I'm sure I can't stand for one more minute of it. But I needed that times a thousand last night...and instead I was told not to feel. I was told I was wrong to feel how I do...and then, after about an hour and a half of sleep I was given a kiss, not even a goodbye...and I'll be alone for the rest of the day. Actually...I won't be alone, I have both the girls. I can't even stop to wallow in my emotional wreckage because I have to be strong for them. Make food, entertain, get everyone ready and over to the doctor for my appointment, and probably even have to deal with the bedtime mess on my own tonight...of every day for the past eight months today had to be the day for this. If I survive today I'll survive it all...but I can tell you now...this won't be the only time I cry today...wish me luck.
- Cory (from the phone)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Gotta Take the Good with the Bad
So it's been quite a while since I've had the time to write anything, I've been too busy with my brilliantly wonderful life. But I decided it was time that I wrote a little update.
For the past seven months I have been in wonderland, in complete and utter happiness, and it's all thanks to one man. I remember where I was seven months ago before meeting him, I wasn't interested in anything serious. I was done with men (again) fed-up, had lost all hope in the opposite sex and was only interested in having fun and not getting attached. So when I walked in to that Menchies that warm July Sunday I wasn't expecting much. But then...I saw him, and I though "uh-oh". And the "date" continued and it only got worse "uh-oh...I'm in trouble" I knew that if he proved to be as special as he seemed in that first hour over frozen yogurt that I was in grave danger of falling completely and utterly in love. And not only did he prove it, but he surpassed any expectation, any hope I had ever had for the perfect man. Not only is he gorgeous and intelligent, but he's silly, and goofy, and fun, and kind and sensitive, and tough and caring (plus the sex is amazing too!) ;0). To say that he has the "total package" would be a gross understatement. He makes me feel like the most loved and cherished woman in the world.
It took no time before we were "official" and even less time for us to admit that we were completely in love with each other. Two months later we were packing up and moving in together. If it weren't for both of our pending divorces we would have been on our way down the aisle the very next day. But unfortunately psycho exes, and the slow and annoying legal system prevented that.
One night we were talking, as we did often, about how we each wanted more kids and couldn't wait to start our family. How we had to wait who knows how long until we could be married. And considering we both were in agreement about having three more kids together, we were frustrated that we had to wait for the technicality of the finalized divorce before we could get started. Well, with all that in mind, the fact that I want to be done popping the little ones out by 30 (4 short years away), and issues like being thin for a wedding dress (huge deal!!) ;0P we thought "well...why don't we just get pregnant now?" We joked for a minute, that's crazy..."what will people think" well that was me, he instantly said "I don't care what other people think". And with that we decided there was really no point in waiting, and if we got pregnant right away we would have the baby and that would leave enough time for me to slim down after the baby and before a wedding (again...that's a big deal for a lady!). And there commenced "trying".
Well, it didn't take much "trying" (though we still did our due diligence and made sure we gave it our all) ;0) and we were pregnant! It was a brutal first few months of pregnancy, nausea all the time, serious back pain from the start, and an instant baby bump, but all the while I had Leon by my side making everything as easy as possible and waiting on me hand and foot.
And now...he proposed!! We're engaged...and well let me be a little vain for just a minute (so not my style normally, I know!) The ring is AMAZING!! It's perfect, exactly what I wanted (I did give him a few hints...or exact parameters). It's gorgeous and perfect...just like him. And now he's my fiancé!! I couldn't be happier. OK...so that's the good. So what's with the title? The good with the bad...well...
Christina. That is the name of Satan. Leon's ex wife is the biggest bitch that has ever lived. And to top it off she has absolutely no brain inside her head. It's filled with bricks.
And now...you know what's funny...I've spent all this time thinking about Leon and how happy he makes me...and though if I took a second I could remember...but I've completely forgotten what I wanted to vent about Christina. There's so much...so expect a post soon....but now I'm just going to go love up on my man. :0)
For the past seven months I have been in wonderland, in complete and utter happiness, and it's all thanks to one man. I remember where I was seven months ago before meeting him, I wasn't interested in anything serious. I was done with men (again) fed-up, had lost all hope in the opposite sex and was only interested in having fun and not getting attached. So when I walked in to that Menchies that warm July Sunday I wasn't expecting much. But then...I saw him, and I though "uh-oh". And the "date" continued and it only got worse "uh-oh...I'm in trouble" I knew that if he proved to be as special as he seemed in that first hour over frozen yogurt that I was in grave danger of falling completely and utterly in love. And not only did he prove it, but he surpassed any expectation, any hope I had ever had for the perfect man. Not only is he gorgeous and intelligent, but he's silly, and goofy, and fun, and kind and sensitive, and tough and caring (plus the sex is amazing too!) ;0). To say that he has the "total package" would be a gross understatement. He makes me feel like the most loved and cherished woman in the world.
It took no time before we were "official" and even less time for us to admit that we were completely in love with each other. Two months later we were packing up and moving in together. If it weren't for both of our pending divorces we would have been on our way down the aisle the very next day. But unfortunately psycho exes, and the slow and annoying legal system prevented that.
One night we were talking, as we did often, about how we each wanted more kids and couldn't wait to start our family. How we had to wait who knows how long until we could be married. And considering we both were in agreement about having three more kids together, we were frustrated that we had to wait for the technicality of the finalized divorce before we could get started. Well, with all that in mind, the fact that I want to be done popping the little ones out by 30 (4 short years away), and issues like being thin for a wedding dress (huge deal!!) ;0P we thought "well...why don't we just get pregnant now?" We joked for a minute, that's crazy..."what will people think" well that was me, he instantly said "I don't care what other people think". And with that we decided there was really no point in waiting, and if we got pregnant right away we would have the baby and that would leave enough time for me to slim down after the baby and before a wedding (again...that's a big deal for a lady!). And there commenced "trying".
Well, it didn't take much "trying" (though we still did our due diligence and made sure we gave it our all) ;0) and we were pregnant! It was a brutal first few months of pregnancy, nausea all the time, serious back pain from the start, and an instant baby bump, but all the while I had Leon by my side making everything as easy as possible and waiting on me hand and foot.
And now...he proposed!! We're engaged...and well let me be a little vain for just a minute (so not my style normally, I know!) The ring is AMAZING!! It's perfect, exactly what I wanted (I did give him a few hints...or exact parameters). It's gorgeous and perfect...just like him. And now he's my fiancé!! I couldn't be happier. OK...so that's the good. So what's with the title? The good with the bad...well...
Christina. That is the name of Satan. Leon's ex wife is the biggest bitch that has ever lived. And to top it off she has absolutely no brain inside her head. It's filled with bricks.
And now...you know what's funny...I've spent all this time thinking about Leon and how happy he makes me...and though if I took a second I could remember...but I've completely forgotten what I wanted to vent about Christina. There's so much...so expect a post soon....but now I'm just going to go love up on my man. :0)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Feminism
How am I supposed to write an essay about feminism? I self have self subscribed myself to the category of "anti-feminist". And just on the eve of my presentation I am plagued, yet again (for this plague is a monthly torment to my organically female being) by this sickness, this punishment for my desire for knowledge. Have we not been punished enough? Yes the epidural is a welcomed respite from the pain we women must endure (a non-godsend I'm sure a woman dreamed up), but why must we MONTHLY be made to endure this torture?!?
I'm asking myself this as I sit in class listening to a lecture on feminism as a critical theory in literature. All the knowledge and desire to learn leaves my thoughts and is replaced by "will this MAN (though a gay man struggling with his own gender roles and place in society) PLEASE not go over class time! I'm woefully unprepared to stop this bleeding for even another minute! And you wouldn't understand" well, there's my punishment for wanting of the fruit of knowledge...knowledge is stripped from me as my feminine functions take center stage in my mind.
As I consider the consequences of my unpreparedness for the period that came a week and a half early, much longer than expected (in tampon terms) class, I realize our entire first half was to discuss "what makes a person one gender or sex an not another" while the roles that a prescribed to each are unfortunate functions of society with little imagination...nature is making me bleed...I am therefore woman.
Ugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
I'm asking myself this as I sit in class listening to a lecture on feminism as a critical theory in literature. All the knowledge and desire to learn leaves my thoughts and is replaced by "will this MAN (though a gay man struggling with his own gender roles and place in society) PLEASE not go over class time! I'm woefully unprepared to stop this bleeding for even another minute! And you wouldn't understand" well, there's my punishment for wanting of the fruit of knowledge...knowledge is stripped from me as my feminine functions take center stage in my mind.
As I consider the consequences of my unpreparedness for the period that came a week and a half early, much longer than expected (in tampon terms) class, I realize our entire first half was to discuss "what makes a person one gender or sex an not another" while the roles that a prescribed to each are unfortunate functions of society with little imagination...nature is making me bleed...I am therefore woman.
Ugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Mood
My mood is always purple and pink these days. "Love, Romance, Very Happy, Passion". I'm so deeply in love. It's almost ridiculous. I am meant to be with Leon, for now and for forever. I know this with one hundred percent of my heart. I've found my soul mate, I've found my other half. Everything is so perfect and so wonderful. It's only been a month (or 4 depending on how you look at it) but I've never known something more than I know this. I'm sure there will come a time when we might fight...I actually look forward to the first time that happens...because I know I'll love him more each and every day and with each and every new adventure and new moment we share, even in arguments, just as in joy I'll know, like I know now that he is the epitome of love and happiness in my life. I only hope I can do everything for him, and give everything to him, and more, that he gives to me.
I love you Leon.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The EX
Anyone who has ever had an "ex" knows what it is like. All the things that you ever loved about them just melt away, and all you are left with is the raw, unromanticized, ugly version of that person. The "love is blind" no longer applies when the love is gone. Dislike is never blind. You see every flaw, if there is anything you miss it is from the good of that person. At least that's how I feel. In particular with how I feel about my evil ex-husband. Right now I feel so scared, and lost...and even alone. I have an amazing boyfriend...he wants to help me...as much as he can...he wants to be there for me...but...I don't know. I don't know why I can't ask him for help, or accept his help. I feel like it wouldn't be right...but I think more than that...it kind of also stems from a bit of mistrust. In a weird way...if I totally mistrusted him (and were a bit of an evil person myself) I would just take all I could get from him...take, take, take. But it goes a little deeper than that I think. To a place I don't even understand. I love him...I want to be with him...but right now, we can't even legally be together. And we have to kind of sneak around...and everyone has their opinions about us...and as much as I just want to jump head first and believe in what I've always dreamt of, always wanted, true love and all that happily-ever-after stuff, and believe that, without taking the time to test the waters, our love could possibly be deep enough to keep me from splitting my head open when my care-free dive encounters what could possibly be a shallow pool...or perhaps our love might be deep enough...but all the bloody boulders sticking their way in...they're hard to miss. Don't know if that metaphor translated from my head well...but the point is...I'm trying so hard to trust and at times I am SO sure...SOOOOO sure...but then something like him offering to help comes up...and I just don't feel like I deserve it, like I'm good enough, or worth it...and maybe if I accepted it he would see it too...does that even make sense? I don't think that really does...but here I am crying about it...so somehow, in my own head it must.
I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.
I have to take better care of myself so I can take better care of my daughter. Eva is what I live for...thank God for her too...because I would be in some cave somewhere...in my mind...lost. I don't feel like I have any support...anywhere, like I can't count on anyone. Even my family...even when my own mother let me move home...it was with strings, it was never comfortable, I never felt at home...I need to get my life together, on my own...without any help from anyone. Be comfortable being alone...and never give up...I'm in love...and I can still hope...and eventually...maybe I'll trust...maybe someone wont let me down.
Monday, August 23, 2010
My Gorgeous Man
I want this to be it, I want him to be it. To be the one. To be everything. Each day is new and exciting and an amazing adventure. And I see my life with him, and I'm always smiling. Happiness as I look at him over dinner. Happiness as I walk down the aisle to his side. Happiness as we hold our baby in our arms. And the one that makes me happy and makes me see all these things has a face now. When I used to see my life ahead of me, those things yet to be, I saw the things, I saw the happiness and the love, but I never saw him. I had no face to the one that would be my everything, because I hadn't seen him yet. Now that I have, his is the only face I see. I still have my fears, I don't want to lose him, to lose this...but the reward is worth the risk and I'm willing to risk it all for what I see with him, how I feel for him.
I don't get any readers here, which I really don't mind. I write for me, I write for a record and a release. I like to look back and reflect on how I have felt in the past. I won't look back now, I know I had a dark time recently, I just want to move forward now. But I know that I was in such a dark place due to the darkness that I had let into my life. And now I have a light. A light that is all encompassing in my world, filling every moment with warmth. I feel like I can do anything, that life is possible, love is here, and I don't have to worry or stress.
I'm going to give a little story to explain, in part, how he makes me feel. After a few years of battling my "allergies"...some of you know about this plague to my life. I'm allergic to stress apparently. And pretty much daily I am at risk for breaking out in severe hives. Wherever gets the breakout (usually a place that gets an extra amount of "friction" i.e. my hands b/c of massage, feet b/c of waitressing, throat is I have a cough, etc. etc.) feels like a fire has broken out, it itches like poison oak, and feels like either a severe bruise that is being constantly poked, or a broken bone if it is in some locations like around a joint. Nothing seemed to help, no matter what I couldn't not be "stressed" it would seem. It didn't matter if I felt life was going well, or that nothing was bothering me...I was happy...still had the issue. Steroids helped, but as my mom called it the "moon face" wasn't worth it really (nor was the passing out 30 minutes after taking my meds due to my easily influenced grogginess with meds). And then I found "ranatadine" now, how an acid reducer prevents hives is beyond my scope of knowledge...but it works pretty well. Too much acid, too much stress, or missing a dosage will generally result in a breakout though. But the doctor that finally found a manageable solution to the issue said that she had had the same issue at one point in her life, but that she had been able to get over it completely without medicine. She had been given a beautiful gift by her parents though...they told her she could drop out of med school, move back in and that they would support her 100%, financially and otherwise. Well..sadly I'm not with that option, and (as much as I love them) sometimes my parents are the greatest cause of my stress...so it's been almost 6 years now...and no relief except that which my twice daily medicine provides. I know this is a long story for this short explanation...I feel that level of calm, security, stress-free, safe, love, relief....from him, from being with him.
Ok...I'm so sleepy, and the screen is starting to kill my eyes in the dark here...but the point of all of this...I love him. Leon...I love Leon...forever.
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