My Fiction Story "This Plane of Existence"

I am dead. I walk among the living though. I died in a plane crash when I was only eighteen years old. I guess I am still eighteen really, or I am nothing at all. I am no years old because the dead cannot be old.

August 2003

I’m on a plane to Hawaii getting ready to start my freshman year at UHH. For those of you who don’t know, that’s the University of Hawaii at Hilo.  It is just about the midway mark from LAX to Honolulu right now and we’ve started to have some pretty heavy turbulence. I am thinking that there isn’t much use in putting on your seat belt if the plane is going to crash; a plane crash is an unlikely thing to survive. I am about to find out that I am wrong.

I am in the water now and I think I know that I am already dead. I can see my mom being pulled into a rescue boat, but my lifeless arm cannot reach out to wave to her. My voiceless lips will never again call her name.

August 2007

            I can always tell the hopeful students from the grateful tourists. Today we have about five new kids wanting to stretch their wings and become independent adults. I always like to watch the ones that bring family with them; they have the most joy in their faces because they have someone to share their time with.

            I am all alone, so sometimes I like to sit with a kid traveling all alone and watch the movie as I rest my head on their shoulder. I wish I could let them know that turning the little air vent knob wont warm them up while I am there.

August 2026

            Today I am sitting with a man reading his classified section. There is never very much to do on a plane. Especially after twenty-three years. I think I could leave this plane, maybe find a new one. But I like to watch over the people that are coming and going. I like to make sure that everything has been checked, the fuel is full, the gages are all in working order. I always check the seat belt of every passenger should we hit any turbulence. I especially watch over those young girls with stars in their eyes. Eyes that are never on the horizon, but further off, into a distance of non-existence, into the land that I live in. Every once in a while someone will say hello to me.

August 2043

            It’s been forty years today. Forty years I have stayed on this plane. This plane of existence that is always resting between the living and the dead. The land and the heavens. I do not know where I go to every time it lands, but it is a beautiful place. But I always get back on when my plane is about to take off. I am not able to be on the earth, the earth cannot hold my soul now that it is no longer material. So I must stay in the air. But every time we land, I am transported to a new place. A beautiful place. Sometimes I want to stay there, and sometimes I think I should, it is so calm and peaceful, so roomy, not like the halls of my plane. But then I hear the engine starting, and I am called back to my plane.

August 2079

            None of my family has ever come to visit me on my plane. No one I know ever flies this jet. But I have often seen the same face, and I have come to consider the flight attendants and crew as my family. They are constantly changing and evolving, sometimes on member will be transferred, or another will have a baby and only return again for a vacation with the family.

            I would be ninety-four today, if I were still alive.

            But I am dead. So I guess I am still eighteen really, or I am nothing at all. I am no years old because the dead cannot be old. 

            

My True Story Assignment

A five-hour plane ride. This is my sixth one this year. I can picture that first one so clearly now. All the hope and excitement, the anticipation for something new, it feels like a whole life has gone by in that one year. And now this is my last flight. The last flight home.

August 2003.

“I got accepted to the University of Hawaii!!!” I ran out of my room, the room that had been built just for me. Me: an 18 year-old girl who, for her entire life, has shared a bedroom with a sister, or even a brother.  Now just a year into that room and I’d be flying across the ocean, to stay for…well, forever! “Mom! I got accepted!”

“Accepted where?” my mom asked, as she sifted through a month’s worth of bills, piled high like the coins Ebenezer Scrooge counts in the beginning of all “A Christmas Carol” movies.

“To Hawaii!!” I was so excited.

Now, Hawaii was the only college that would accept me outright, due to a slight oversight by my less-than-competent counselor in High school. You see, before I was pulled from my eleventh grade English class to be put in the “gifted students” class (some new thing they were trying out I guess) I managed to get a “D” in the “regular kid’s class”. Of course, upon speaking with my counselor I was told that there was no worry and I would graduate and go on to bigger and better things. She also told me that I didn’t need another science class, one I scrambled to get into last minute senior year when a more informed student told me I needed it to graduate, let alone to get into any college. I sat through a semester with a room full of ninth graders, not my idea of fun. Needless to say, when I got my first rejection letter from, of all places, CSUN I was not completely surprised to see the note that a “C” or better was required in that infamous eleventh grade “regular-kid” class. So this letter from Hawaii meant, not only do I get to move out, but I also don’t have to take an English class over the summer!

The first flight was all hope and excitement. I was glad to have my mom with me, for the support and to help me get settled in. I would be all alone soon enough, but I wasn’t thinking about that then.

December 2003.

            My first flight home after four months in Hawaii was a small relief. Though I had made a couple of friends, I had never been the best at making new contacts. I’m not shy, no one would call me shy, but I’m awkward in new situations and it takes me some time to warm up to new people.

            I was excited to be going home and seeing everyone I had left behind, but I was anxious to be going “home” to a new one. While I was away my family uprooted and moved out to Palmdale. Palmdale. I’d been there once before to pick up a friend, it seemed like it was a thousand miles away. It was cold and foreign, and no matter how many sweet accessories my mom added to my room, this little hole in the wall compared nothing to the gorgeous specially built room I had only just gotten just a year before.

            I decided to go up to Oregon to visit my new roommate Ksenia, from Hawaii. I’d be seeing her again soon, but I no longer felt at home anywhere, I was a small branch floating in a vast ocean, never drifting close enough to a shore to make a home for myself.

            The flight there was not very long, so hardly counted on my tally of flights that year. The tiny little twelve seater that took me from my stop in Seattle to Portland was the scariest flight I’d ever been on to date. But I made it there, and made it home alive, and only two hundred and fifty dollars worse for the wear.

           

January 2004

            It was a little more emotional leaving again this time, my boyfriend went with us to the airport, I was sure I’d miss him more this time because I knew what it had been like the previous few months.

            The next couple months were eventful, but looking back I hardly remember the events and adventures through my haze of depression. When people talk of “cabin fever” living on an island, they know what they are talking about. I was starting to feel so alone, away from my family I had been so eager to leave, away from my boyfriend.

           

April 2004

            I had joined Model UN, to further my political science goals, and part of that class was going to be a trip to New York to visit the United Nations and have a true mock-UN meeting. Our school would be representing Italy.

            I love New York, ever since I was a wee-one going there to visit my grandma. My mother was born and raised in New York, and when I was a little girl she said I even sounded like I had a New York accent. At that point I was still sure I would move there some day.

            My sister had spring break during the time I would be in New York, so instead of taking a trip to Hawaii to visit me, she decided to make it a trip to New York so she could also visit her long-distance boyfriend who was going to NYU at the time.

            Nine hour flight there and nine hour flight back, and at this moment I couldn’t tell you what the heck we did there.

July 2004

            Here I am on a plane once again. Five hours to go and I’ll be home again in Palmdale. As I stare out the window and catch my last glimpse of the beautiful luscious island I can’t help but feel a pain for all my lost adventures. They have been lost in their time, trapped in a place I will hardly remember in a year. I wont be going back to the University of Hawaii. I will go to Antelope Valley and Pierce College, then massage school, COC and finally CSUN. A beautiful daughter, a marriage and a divorce later, Hawaii will be nothing but a distant past. But I know nothing of that now. Right now I just stare out the window and see the ocean take over, I close the shade and start watching the movie that’s playing.

            “Pretzels and Ginger Ale please.”

Expectations

The funny thing about expectations is that they rarely are the truth of what is to come. I watched 500 days of summer the other night and LOVED the scene of the expectations versus what really happened...The funny thing is...for me, right now...when I am thinking about whether or not I will get a response from him...I don't expect him even to answer, I expect he has changed his mind...I expect the worst. But that doesn't mean I don't wish it were going to be more. It doesn't mean I don't wish that he will say all the things I want him to say...and mean them. He can and will say all the right things...it's the meaning them part he hasn't quite got down yet...

Life isn't fair

Why does this always have to happen to me? I'm a good person...I'm nice...I'm caring...

It isn't fair. It just isn't fair.


- Cory (from the phone)

Life

So often it feels like life isn't fair, but you know what? What is fair? Having the most beautiful daughter this world has ever seen? Some people might not think it's fair that I get that privilege, but I am so fortunate. And I am beautiful and smart...and talented. I have so much going for me...why is it that I tend to dwell on the negative? Why is it that people tend to dwell on the negative. I think if I were to obsess over all the good things in my life I'd be a much happier person ;-)

So my task for the next week is to see just how often I can be thankful for my blessings and talk about those and dwell on them, and really think about them and only them. Let the shit die from being ignored :-)

My First Burrowing Work

I don’t know what this is, this feeling. My heart is pounding so hard against my chest, the beat in my ears like the music of a club. The music so loud you can’t hear your friend tell you they’re ready to leave. So loud you can’t hear why you’re being pulled to the door, fast, and faster…like this feeling. It travels down to my stomach, up to my throat; it’s in my head. My lungs are so tight I can’t even breathe. My arms are weak and my hands are shaking, I don’t even feel my legs. That is this feeling. It’s a whole body feeling. I don’t want to feel it. Why do I have to? Why can’t the tears just come and a rage and the whole world will stop as I drown in lack of feeling? Now it burns. It burns; it wants to be fed. But fed by what? By men, and love and liquor? Oh, love. Why did I say love? It sounded right I guess: love and liquor. There is so much liquor in love, but no true love comes out of liquor. Let me explain what I mean by liquor in love. Its this feeling. It burns down my insides, it tears me apart, it makes me feel free and fun, the world is around me, everything a play toy, everything is new. So I take more and more, I want it. I need it. And every time it burns going down, but I crave that feeling, it lets me know I’m alive. But then there is no more? How could I have drunk so much in, in such a short amount of time? Where is the rest? Has someone been sneaking sips behind my back? I am suspicious, I want more, someone is taking it from me. I’ll get more, no matter what it takes, I’ll drive to the store, I’ll find it there. And then this feeling comes. This feeling is not like the old. This is new, I feel the pain, it’s hurting me, it’s choking me I just want it gone, but I am still alive, I know this because I feel it.

Now the pain is exploding like vomit--out of my mouth, so why is it ringing in my ears? I feel the beat, my eyes are swollen.

Now I’m empty. I have nothing. The world, the fun, they are gone now. So why does the feeling remain. But now it’s different still, it’s not this feeling; it’s the next feeling. The feeling only flesh wounds can compare in pain to. It all comes back to love. Love and loss. Can you ever feel love and never feel an inevitable loss? No. The person leaves, you leave, they cheat, you cheat, they die, you die. There is nothing but loss in love. The Mormons must have it right. Eternal families and all that jazz. But then the loss is greater when you wake up, dead, no eternal husband, no god. And you’re still all alone. Love and loss, there’s always loss with love. Lost hopes, lost dreams. Sacrifices have to be made, and every little sacrifice is a new piece lost. A piece of me. I can’t tell you how much I’ve lost over the years. Not all from one, but at least one from all.

I’d tell you it’s the worst kind of pain, this feeling. But I’ve given birth to a child, I don’t dare suggest there is a thing more painful than that, but there is no love epidural. Except maybe, again, the liquor. And even then there is the postpartum amnesia. Why else would women go through it all again? I need a post-break-up amnesia. Post-divorce amnesia. Post-“first-time” amnesia. That first time, is it ever any good? Is it ever all about love and excitement, feeling the urges exploding in passion and bliss? Not for any 16-year old girl I’ve ever met. For me it was on a hill somewhere up the South side of Reseda. I’m not talking a romantic woodland adventure. No blanket, no soft mossy earth. Just dirt, hard and cold. The dirt was like the sex, he was hard, and I was cold. I went to another place then, so there is no feeling in remembering. Remembering is like snow, forgetting is like a hot bath. But the problem is that the snow keeps falling, and you have to walk out in the cold and shovel it away. When you come inside you draw up a bath, that first toe dipped in feels like a thousand needles stabbing you, you don’t want to forget, but slowly the feeling dulls, the cold is dispersing, you have feeling in your extremities again, and you want to stay in that bath forever. I guess that’s not a good example for all of us living in California. In either case, remembering is the disease and forgetting is the cure. But no matter how many times I get rid of the flu, there’s always a new one to come attack me again. These days it’s been the swine flu, and H1N1. Men are definitely swine, so that is a perfect example.

Don’t take me for a pessimist or a man-hater; I wouldn’t be so disagreeable if it weren’t for this burning, beating, berating feeling in my chest. Bum, bum, bum. If there were a way to survive without a heart, I would surely cut it out myself. But it’s trapped there, in my chest, burning it’s way though, I suppose it just might burn its way right out. Then I’ll be rid of it. 

My Letter to D

I wrote this letter to D on December 21, 2009, after we had had a pretty crushing fight:


I took a shower...and while I was in the shower I was able to stop being emotional about things. The water sort of cleared my head and made it so I could think about things without getting sad, only feeling hurt and pain. 

I know that you have a lot of living left to do. And that might or might not include the kind of life that I want to have. I understand where you are coming from, and why you would have so many reservations. From you last relationship, to your fear of Eva [;-)], I know it's almost unfair of me to ask for so much from you just out of the blue in your life. I'm sorry that this is so hard for you, I wish there were a way to make it easier for you. Unfortunately...well, it isn't very easy for me either. I have a certain idea of what I want in my life, I have my own hang ups and my own wants and needs. For me I want to have a family and a marriage and more kids. I want them in a certain order, and as far as the "kids" part is concerned, that comes last. But that is what I want. I want that to be my life. I don't believe it will hold me back from doing any other things that I want to do, I still think I'll be able to travel, hang out with friends, go out, do things...I don't consider a family to be a hinderance. But I get that you do. It's too much, too fast. And Eva isn't even yours...I know, its hard, and it isn't really fair. If things could be different, it might not be so hard. And I am completely sympathetic to your feelings about it. I don't blame you or fault you for not being ready. But (of course! there's a "but") ;-) I have to be ready :-( I have to know what I'm doing with my life, what I want and need and what I have to do. I don't have the luxury of figuring it out anymore. I know...that isn't fair. But I'm there. I'm working on getting to the best place I can be, I'm working on school now b/c its the most important step, but I'm planning for all the rest of the steps too. 

So, where does that leave us? What about everything we've been talking about today? Well...

Do I need space to concentrate on myself, to figure out what I want? No. I don't. I am going to do what needs to be done, I'm concentrating on myself even though sometimes even I don't feel like I am. You really aren't making my life harder. I'm not perfect, I don't just get things done when they need to be done all the time...I don't prioritize perfectly, I goof off and procrastinate...that isn't your fault. You don't make my life harder. So whats the problem? I go over to your house, I stay up all night, I call in sick at work, I let Josh watch Eva for an extra day, I sit and watch shows in your bed all day long...I do all these things because I want to, but they are a choice that I make based on the assumption that we are in an equal relationship. But it really doesnt seem like we are these days.

I see your point that I am in the valley and have reasons other than you to be there, but that isn't always the case, I do drive down there just for you when I don't have Eva and you don't have work. And I don't like the distance any more than you do, but I put up with it b/c I want to see you, I want to spend time with you. But I feel very strongly that you should feel the same way. When I come over to meet you when you get off work at 3AM, I am tired, I maybe hard work or school or was up all night the night before with Eva, but even though I'm tired, I want to see you, I make the effort. I don't feel like you do the same. You need your sleep, you need a break and rest when you are off work...so you don't drive up. It's not about me "sacrificing" and you not, b/c for me it is a minor sacrifice. I just do it. For you I guess it's not worth the trip. Can you see how that can hurt my feelings? I would rather miss some sleep and come sleep in my car in front of your house waiting for you, but you would rather hang out in bed alone watching TV...that really makes me feel unimportant to you. 

Some people are capable of different things. I know that. But sadly, I need to feel like I am important...and as "one-sided" as it may seem, if I can do it, it's hard for me to see why someone else can't. Makes me question their feelings. And I don't like feeling like I am "in it" more than you. I don't want to have to feel like I do more, things aren't equal. But that is how I feel. 

I know this is getting to be really long...and maybe you'll have to take a break and come back to it...but please stay with me and get through the whole thing, because this is what you wanted to know. And its what I need to say...

I know that you love me, no worries about that. I don't think you're faking it or "unsure" about your feelings for me, at least not in that respect. I know you love me, even if you aren't sure if we are working together. And I hope you know that I love you. No question, I love you when we are good together, I still love you when we are not so good together. I always love you. So we aren't questioning that. 

But if both of us think that we are sticking with this relationship for the wrong reason, then odds are...it's the truth. What are the wrong reasons? If we aren't together, staying together, because we love each other and want to be together, through thick and thin, then it's the wrong reason. Maybe I am staying with you out of fear, fear that I wont find anyone better, fear that I'll be alone...but Daniel, if I didn't to be with you I wouldn't. The truth is that I want to be with you, and thus far it has been worth any hurt or sorrow that I might have felt. But no matter how much we love each other, it might not be enough to get us through. We might just not be right for each other. We might not be able to give each other what each of us needs. If that's the case, our love for each other is actually what is hurting us, because it wont let us let go. 

So here comes the "conclusion" portion of this...

I want to be with you...but for the health of our relationship, for both of our sanities, for myself, so that I can be happy, so that you can be happy: it might be best to be apart. So, space? Break up? What? I don't know the answer, for what will be best for both of us...but because I ideally want to be with you I will tell you what I need for that to be the choice for me...

you've heard this all before, but I'll try and say it in a way that makes more sense...can't make any promises though ;-)

I need to feel more important. That's a hard request, I know...how do you do that?! Geez...I don't know! LOL, but I'll try and give you some options. I know that it would take a lot of rearranging of priorities in your brain, but it would make things easier on you, and be what I need if you could try thinking "what would make Cory happy right now?" or " she just asked me for something, how can I make that happen?" without thinking "what do I want right now" or "what do I get if I do that for her?" You know? I know, I know...it sounds impossible!! But I know you want to make me happy, and when I'm happy you're happy, we are happy...I know you want  to be able to do all the things that make us work, and that's the first step! You've got it down. And just that means a lot to me, it keeps me around...but really I'm around waiting, hoping you'll get to the next step. So the next step is figuring out what those things are that make me happy. Ok, sounds tough, how are you supposed to know? Well...I do  tell you...I'll do my best to tell you more clearly, spell it out a little more from now on, but the key is listening and remembering.  When I tell you things that I "want/need" listen, and let it sink it, before anything else can come into your mind...i.e. yourself. I don't want to be critical here, you know I love you for who you are, and part of your charm is your "confidence" but when that confidence turns into self-centeredness...I feel second best, I feel less important, I feel like you only care about you, and not at all about me. So...the two suggestions I gave to think about could be some good jumping off point: " What would make CORY HAPPY right now?" and " she just asked me to do something, how can I MAKE THAT HAPPEN?" and remember that it goes completely in the other direction and makes me pull away when either of those is coupled with " what do I get out of it?" If you are thinking that, it blows the point...SO...that's for me. 

Now we need to know about you. What is it that you need? You said earlier today that you don't know. Do YOU need space to figure it out? If that is what you need, I will give it to you, and I will be OK with it, and I'll wait for you to figure things out, I'll give you what you ask for. I'm not going to lie, I feel like if you aren't sure at this point, if you need space at this point, that it's probably just a need for us to be apart, but because that is a more painful option you want to try out "space" first...I know making the decision to be without someone you love and have come to depend on can be tough, I've been through that. So I think if space is what you need you need to take it. For me, if I need space, it is purely to see if I can survive without you (I know I can survive...but you know what I mean...I hope.) And space would just be a trial run for...ultimate break up. If I took "space" for myself, it would be to slowly wean myself from our relationship...until I was strong enough to just cut the cord altogether. This might sound bad, but that's why I don't need space. And I wouldn't ask for it, unless I needed to break up.

What I need is for us to get closer, for you to give me more,  not to have space and get less. So, I hope that helps you with figuring out what you want, and need...I hope you made it through the message, and I hope you understood most of it ;-)

I love you. I love you immensely. I will always love you. Let's be happy, 

First thing I realized after reading this (errors and all) about a month later is:

     I need to take showers more often.

OK, so that brings us to to present. Let's have a little re-cap of the last month, shall we?

D and I went to gorgeous Hawaii together. And 2 of the 4 days we fought. He shut me out, I walked away, he messaged an old flame, I IMed with an ex-boyfriend...all while feet from the beautiful expanse of the ocean. How often do people get to be in such a place with someone that they love? Not all together that often...and we spent half our time fighting.

Right now I am speaking from bitterness, and therefore perhaps I'll say things I don't really mean, or perhaps I'll finally say the things I do mean...

I don't know if I love him anymore. I KNOW I don't love him the way I did when we first began. I KNOW that I love him the way that I will always love those who have touched my heart...but when we first started dating, shortly afterward...I was in love. I have never felt so powerfully that the person whose face I was looking into was so deeply embedded in my soul and in my heart that I had to say I was "IN love" with him. I have loved before, I have believed I was "in love" but never had I felt the wave of emotion that came over me when I realized "Daniel...I am so completely in love with you."

Those were the days when in the middle of the night I would hear a car on the street, and 9 times out of ten it would turn out to be D surprising me with a visit. He often says things like "If I didn't love you why would I drive so far to come and see you?" Good point...so that goes to show that the fact that he doesn't make the drive very often anymore is evidence that his feelings have changed. I could go on for days on the evidence that his feelings have changed...

But I don't want to dwell too much on that. I'm going to work through my changing feelings. 

D and I, upon my request, have changed our relationship from a committed, exclusive relationship, to that of an "open relationship". AKA we needed "space" again. As you can see from the letter I copied from a month ago, this has been an underlying feeling for a while...and as I said then...it is not I who needs space. I knew when I proposed this plan, of an open relationship, where we could still date and yet be free to date other people and to do other things without the stress of what the other would have to say, or how they would feel, that D wanted this. He's wanted this since he first asked me for space and 2 weeks later claimed he had made a mistake, but that we weren't really boyfriend and girlfriend still. Then a couple months later and he had "changed". He signed a "contract" (just a silly little thing we did) saying he had changed and "for good" and he was back to his old loving self and all he wanted was me, and he even bought me a ring and asked me to be his girlfriend again. 

Well 3 months later and here we are needing space again. At least he is. And yes, I think that space will be good for me...but as I said in that copied letter...only as a means of slowly letting him out of my life. I've started. I haven't worn the ring since he changed our FB relationship status...sounds kinda weird that that is what clinched it, but that is where he lets the rest of the world know we are no longer exclusive, and therefore was making it official. So since then I haven't worn the "promise" ring...considering he has broken that promise, and I don't even wear the necklace he half bought me to match. I haven't told him that I love him either. I think he kind of has noticed that much, but not really. He still says it...but he said it long before he meant it and I'm sure he'll say it long after he means it as well...I've been talking to other guys, he's been talking with other girls, I've hung out and plan to hang out with other guys...but for nothing more than friendship and social intercourse. I'm not looking for a replacement for him, I'm not looking for anything right now. If anything my relationship with D has shown me that I am simply not ready, and have no clue what to look for anyhow. He seemed so perfect when I was looking at his shadow dancing across the wall. He truly is an amazing puppeteer...but when I was finally set free, as hard as it was to walk into the light, my eyes are adjusting, and pretty soon journeying back into the darkness of the cave, I'll be able to see clearly what disillusioned me once, and hopefully my future will hold something far better, the reality of a person, and being able to love that reality, not just the image that flits across the walls of my cell. (that was a little reference to Plato's book VII).

So I guess what I came here to do was to clear my head of all these thoughts. I may not be ready today to cut the last of the cords that are binding me to D, but the number of cords are decreasing rapidly...and soon...soon I will be able to let go completely. 

Just writing that now brought a little mist to my eyes, but I haven't cried. The further I disconnect myself from him the less I cry. The more I see his reality, the less I feel pain. The more I let the truth in, the less I hurt when I see more truths. I wish he could have been the one...but hopefully I will be able to look back and see that there was love there, on my end it was real...from him only a fairy tale. And fairy tales are only meant to mimic life, they represent images of a world and distort it. As pleasing as the thought may be at first, it is nowhere near the joy and happiness that comes from the real thing. 

I wish for D that one day he is able to love with all the depths of his soul. I hope one day he can forget the hurt he felt, see the truth of the past and not the idealized images that were never reality. I want for him to one day find that shining star that makes him reach those depths untapped and makes him feel the true wonder of an unprotected love. 

I'll go the step further to say that I still hope that one day when he has had more experience with life that he will find me again and with honesty and purity that he might be able to love me, as I once loved him. And I hope that if that day should come, that the love I felt for him would not have been lost forever, so long ago. And I pray that if it isn't me he finds, that the one he does find, holds him dear and that their love will grow together and only flame higher as the years pass.

And for me...I hope that I have the strength to continue on though my heart has broken so completely. I hope that pessimism and despair do not take hold of my heart and choke the love from it completely. 

I want to believe that I will love again, that I can open my heart up to the danger of hurt, b/c if I cannot open it up again, there will be no chance for me to let the real light heal it completely.

Only time will show how my life is to be played out. The best I can do for myself now is to be the one who is taking care of myself, let "me" be number one for once in my life and let myself be a little selfish. I will get through this, I will survive.