I took a shower...and while I was in the shower I was able to stop being emotional about things. The water sort of cleared my head and made it so I could think about things without getting sad, only feeling hurt and pain.
I know that you have a lot of living left to do. And that might or might not include the kind of life that I want to have. I understand where you are coming from, and why you would have so many reservations. From you last relationship, to your fear of Eva [;-)], I know it's almost unfair of me to ask for so much from you just out of the blue in your life. I'm sorry that this is so hard for you, I wish there were a way to make it easier for you. Unfortunately...well, it isn't very easy for me either. I have a certain idea of what I want in my life, I have my own hang ups and my own wants and needs. For me I want to have a family and a marriage and more kids. I want them in a certain order, and as far as the "kids" part is concerned, that comes last. But that is what I want. I want that to be my life. I don't believe it will hold me back from doing any other things that I want to do, I still think I'll be able to travel, hang out with friends, go out, do things...I don't consider a family to be a hinderance. But I get that you do. It's too much, too fast. And Eva isn't even yours...I know, its hard, and it isn't really fair. If things could be different, it might not be so hard. And I am completely sympathetic to your feelings about it. I don't blame you or fault you for not being ready. But (of course! there's a "but") ;-) I have to be ready :-( I have to know what I'm doing with my life, what I want and need and what I have to do. I don't have the luxury of figuring it out anymore. I know...that isn't fair. But I'm there. I'm working on getting to the best place I can be, I'm working on school now b/c its the most important step, but I'm planning for all the rest of the steps too.
So, where does that leave us? What about everything we've been talking about today? Well...
Do I need space to concentrate on myself, to figure out what I want? No. I don't. I am going to do what needs to be done, I'm concentrating on myself even though sometimes even I don't feel like I am. You really aren't making my life harder. I'm not perfect, I don't just get things done when they need to be done all the time...I don't prioritize perfectly, I goof off and procrastinate...that isn't your fault. You don't make my life harder. So whats the problem? I go over to your house, I stay up all night, I call in sick at work, I let Josh watch Eva for an extra day, I sit and watch shows in your bed all day long...I do all these things because I want to, but they are a choice that I make based on the assumption that we are in an equal relationship. But it really doesnt seem like we are these days.
I see your point that I am in the valley and have reasons other than you to be there, but that isn't always the case, I do drive down there just for you when I don't have Eva and you don't have work. And I don't like the distance any more than you do, but I put up with it b/c I want to see you, I want to spend time with you. But I feel very strongly that you should feel the same way. When I come over to meet you when you get off work at 3AM, I am tired, I maybe hard work or school or was up all night the night before with Eva, but even though I'm tired, I want to see you, I make the effort. I don't feel like you do the same. You need your sleep, you need a break and rest when you are off work...so you don't drive up. It's not about me "sacrificing" and you not, b/c for me it is a minor sacrifice. I just do it. For you I guess it's not worth the trip. Can you see how that can hurt my feelings? I would rather miss some sleep and come sleep in my car in front of your house waiting for you, but you would rather hang out in bed alone watching TV...that really makes me feel unimportant to you.
Some people are capable of different things. I know that. But sadly, I need to feel like I am important...and as "one-sided" as it may seem, if I can do it, it's hard for me to see why someone else can't. Makes me question their feelings. And I don't like feeling like I am "in it" more than you. I don't want to have to feel like I do more, things aren't equal. But that is how I feel.
I know this is getting to be really long...and maybe you'll have to take a break and come back to it...but please stay with me and get through the whole thing, because this is what you wanted to know. And its what I need to say...
I know that you love me, no worries about that. I don't think you're faking it or "unsure" about your feelings for me, at least not in that respect. I know you love me, even if you aren't sure if we are working together. And I hope you know that I love you. No question, I love you when we are good together, I still love you when we are not so good together. I always love you. So we aren't questioning that.
But if both of us think that we are sticking with this relationship for the wrong reason, then odds are...it's the truth. What are the wrong reasons? If we aren't together, staying together, because we love each other and want to be together, through thick and thin, then it's the wrong reason. Maybe I am staying with you out of fear, fear that I wont find anyone better, fear that I'll be alone...but Daniel, if I didn't to be with you I wouldn't. The truth is that I want to be with you, and thus far it has been worth any hurt or sorrow that I might have felt. But no matter how much we love each other, it might not be enough to get us through. We might just not be right for each other. We might not be able to give each other what each of us needs. If that's the case, our love for each other is actually what is hurting us, because it wont let us let go.
So here comes the "conclusion" portion of this...
I want to be with you...but for the health of our relationship, for both of our sanities, for myself, so that I can be happy, so that you can be happy: it might be best to be apart. So, space? Break up? What? I don't know the answer, for what will be best for both of us...but because I ideally want to be with you I will tell you what I need for that to be the choice for me...
you've heard this all before, but I'll try and say it in a way that makes more sense...can't make any promises though ;-)
I need to feel more important. That's a hard request, I know...how do you do that?! Geez...I don't know! LOL, but I'll try and give you some options. I know that it would take a lot of rearranging of priorities in your brain, but it would make things easier on you, and be what I need if you could try thinking "what would make Cory happy right now?" or " she just asked me for something, how can I make that happen?" without thinking "what do I want right now" or "what do I get if I do that for her?" You know? I know, I know...it sounds impossible!! But I know you want to make me happy, and when I'm happy you're happy, we are happy...I know you want to be able to do all the things that make us work, and that's the first step! You've got it down. And just that means a lot to me, it keeps me around...but really I'm around waiting, hoping you'll get to the next step. So the next step is figuring out what those things are that make me happy. Ok, sounds tough, how are you supposed to know? Well...I do tell you...I'll do my best to tell you more clearly, spell it out a little more from now on, but the key is listening and remembering. When I tell you things that I "want/need" listen, and let it sink it, before anything else can come into your mind...i.e. yourself. I don't want to be critical here, you know I love you for who you are, and part of your charm is your "confidence" but when that confidence turns into self-centeredness...I feel second best, I feel less important, I feel like you only care about you, and not at all about me. So...the two suggestions I gave to think about could be some good jumping off point: " What would make CORY HAPPY right now?" and " she just asked me to do something, how can I MAKE THAT HAPPEN?" and remember that it goes completely in the other direction and makes me pull away when either of those is coupled with " what do I get out of it?" If you are thinking that, it blows the point...SO...that's for me.
Now we need to know about you. What is it that you need? You said earlier today that you don't know. Do YOU need space to figure it out? If that is what you need, I will give it to you, and I will be OK with it, and I'll wait for you to figure things out, I'll give you what you ask for. I'm not going to lie, I feel like if you aren't sure at this point, if you need space at this point, that it's probably just a need for us to be apart, but because that is a more painful option you want to try out "space" first...I know making the decision to be without someone you love and have come to depend on can be tough, I've been through that. So I think if space is what you need you need to take it. For me, if I need space, it is purely to see if I can survive without you (I know I can survive...but you know what I mean...I hope.) And space would just be a trial run for...ultimate break up. If I took "space" for myself, it would be to slowly wean myself from our relationship...until I was strong enough to just cut the cord altogether. This might sound bad, but that's why I don't need space. And I wouldn't ask for it, unless I needed to break up.
What I need is for us to get closer, for you to give me more, not to have space and get less. So, I hope that helps you with figuring out what you want, and need...I hope you made it through the message, and I hope you understood most of it ;-)
I love you. I love you immensely. I will always love you. Let's be happy,
First thing I realized after reading this (errors and all) about a month later is:
I need to take showers more often.
OK, so that brings us to to present. Let's have a little re-cap of the last month, shall we?
D and I went to gorgeous Hawaii together. And 2 of the 4 days we fought. He shut me out, I walked away, he messaged an old flame, I IMed with an ex-boyfriend...all while feet from the beautiful expanse of the ocean. How often do people get to be in such a place with someone that they love? Not all together that often...and we spent half our time fighting.
Right now I am speaking from bitterness, and therefore perhaps I'll say things I don't really mean, or perhaps I'll finally say the things I do mean...
I don't know if I love him anymore. I KNOW I don't love him the way I did when we first began. I KNOW that I love him the way that I will always love those who have touched my heart...but when we first started dating, shortly afterward...I was in love. I have never felt so powerfully that the person whose face I was looking into was so deeply embedded in my soul and in my heart that I had to say I was "IN love" with him. I have loved before, I have believed I was "in love" but never had I felt the wave of emotion that came over me when I realized "Daniel...I am so completely in love with you."
Those were the days when in the middle of the night I would hear a car on the street, and 9 times out of ten it would turn out to be D surprising me with a visit. He often says things like "If I didn't love you why would I drive so far to come and see you?" Good point...so that goes to show that the fact that he doesn't make the drive very often anymore is evidence that his feelings have changed. I could go on for days on the evidence that his feelings have changed...
But I don't want to dwell too much on that. I'm going to work through my changing feelings.
D and I, upon my request, have changed our relationship from a committed, exclusive relationship, to that of an "open relationship". AKA we needed "space" again. As you can see from the letter I copied from a month ago, this has been an underlying feeling for a while...and as I said then...it is not I who needs space. I knew when I proposed this plan, of an open relationship, where we could still date and yet be free to date other people and to do other things without the stress of what the other would have to say, or how they would feel, that D wanted this. He's wanted this since he first asked me for space and 2 weeks later claimed he had made a mistake, but that we weren't really boyfriend and girlfriend still. Then a couple months later and he had "changed". He signed a "contract" (just a silly little thing we did) saying he had changed and "for good" and he was back to his old loving self and all he wanted was me, and he even bought me a ring and asked me to be his girlfriend again.
Well 3 months later and here we are needing space again. At least he is. And yes, I think that space will be good for me...but as I said in that copied letter...only as a means of slowly letting him out of my life. I've started. I haven't worn the ring since he changed our FB relationship status...sounds kinda weird that that is what clinched it, but that is where he lets the rest of the world know we are no longer exclusive, and therefore was making it official. So since then I haven't worn the "promise" ring...considering he has broken that promise, and I don't even wear the necklace he half bought me to match. I haven't told him that I love him either. I think he kind of has noticed that much, but not really. He still says it...but he said it long before he meant it and I'm sure he'll say it long after he means it as well...I've been talking to other guys, he's been talking with other girls, I've hung out and plan to hang out with other guys...but for nothing more than friendship and social intercourse. I'm not looking for a replacement for him, I'm not looking for anything right now. If anything my relationship with D has shown me that I am simply not ready, and have no clue what to look for anyhow. He seemed so perfect when I was looking at his shadow dancing across the wall. He truly is an amazing puppeteer...but when I was finally set free, as hard as it was to walk into the light, my eyes are adjusting, and pretty soon journeying back into the darkness of the cave, I'll be able to see clearly what disillusioned me once, and hopefully my future will hold something far better, the reality of a person, and being able to love that reality, not just the image that flits across the walls of my cell. (that was a little reference to Plato's book VII).
So I guess what I came here to do was to clear my head of all these thoughts. I may not be ready today to cut the last of the cords that are binding me to D, but the number of cords are decreasing rapidly...and soon...soon I will be able to let go completely.
Just writing that now brought a little mist to my eyes, but I haven't cried. The further I disconnect myself from him the less I cry. The more I see his reality, the less I feel pain. The more I let the truth in, the less I hurt when I see more truths. I wish he could have been the one...but hopefully I will be able to look back and see that there was love there, on my end it was real...from him only a fairy tale. And fairy tales are only meant to mimic life, they represent images of a world and distort it. As pleasing as the thought may be at first, it is nowhere near the joy and happiness that comes from the real thing.
I wish for D that one day he is able to love with all the depths of his soul. I hope one day he can forget the hurt he felt, see the truth of the past and not the idealized images that were never reality. I want for him to one day find that shining star that makes him reach those depths untapped and makes him feel the true wonder of an unprotected love.
I'll go the step further to say that I still hope that one day when he has had more experience with life that he will find me again and with honesty and purity that he might be able to love me, as I once loved him. And I hope that if that day should come, that the love I felt for him would not have been lost forever, so long ago. And I pray that if it isn't me he finds, that the one he does find, holds him dear and that their love will grow together and only flame higher as the years pass.
And for me...I hope that I have the strength to continue on though my heart has broken so completely. I hope that pessimism and despair do not take hold of my heart and choke the love from it completely.
I want to believe that I will love again, that I can open my heart up to the danger of hurt, b/c if I cannot open it up again, there will be no chance for me to let the real light heal it completely.
Only time will show how my life is to be played out. The best I can do for myself now is to be the one who is taking care of myself, let "me" be number one for once in my life and let myself be a little selfish. I will get through this, I will survive.
