I've got myself a mean case of the "baby blues". A combination of sleep deprivation and malnutrition has me bursting into fits of tears and sobs. My head aches, I can't think straight, my tailbone is starting to act up again from CONSTANT seated position (I almost spelled that "potition" because I couldn't figure out how else it would be spelled...to give you an idea of how well my brain is currently working), my legs ache from lack of use, I managed to take a shower...but I an absolute wreck because I wasn't able to blow dry, let alone brush, my hair...and what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to ask for help. It's Saturday and Leon is here...well...I don't want to ASK for help for the hundredth time. I don't want to say "can you take the baby?", "can you change the baby?", "can you burp baby?" one more time...I tried to explain to Leon that I feel like I'm nagging when I'm constantly having to ask. He says it's not nagging...but I don't care really if he thinks it is, I do, and I don't want to do it. Besides I feel there are many instances where it's obvious and he could take the initiative on his own.
I tried explaining how I was feeling to him...I tried to tell him that I don't care if the house is a little bit of a mess right now, if the dishes are done, if the floor is vacuumed...so when he "does these things so I don't have to", I would much prefer that he give me a break from the baby that has quite nearly become fused to my boob/chest/arm. Even if it means I'm doing the dishes or walking the dog or cleaning. I need to be doing something more than sitting...and nursing. I tried to explain this...I said those words even...and yet...
Yesterday Leon said "tomorrow you're taking a nap. I can bottle feed all day, you need some extra sleep". This statement probably stemmed from my breakdown last night where I stormed off to change yet another diaper and pretty much stopped talking or looking at him, and any response I gave was a muffled "hmph" or "mmhm", with a bit of glaring on the side. We made up...I ate and got a bit more sleep last night. But today rolled around and after errands were done and both the other kids were off to the "other parents" houses we managed to have a shower...and then...I've been holding the baby in the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing ever since. Leon has been cleaning the house. It's looking great of course...but I'm sitting on the rocker, nursing and burping and soothing. "You should be sleeping" is what he says while I pat the baby and watch TV or play solitaire on the iPad..."then take the baby and I will" is what I say in my head...but instead I just close my eyes and make like I'm trying to sleep...which I can't do while sitting in the rocker. So he goes back to cleaning. Then "go lie down on the couch with her then"...well, she needs a new diaper, and I know that if I change her she won't be sleeping anymore. Leon changes her. Brings her back to me (now "comfortable" lying on the couch) and she's wide awake. Now she's fussy and wants to nurse. Back to the rocker. By now I'm starving. No worries...Leon to the rescue to make me some food. Me...on the rocker...with the baby. Nursing. Burping. Soothing. And then she needs to be changed, by this point my eyes have been pouring out as I try to silently rock the baby without waking her when I repetition so my tailbone stops aching...by the time I make it back to the bedroom to change her I'm sobbing and can't see Teagan through the tears as I change her. Then she's hungry...again. So I lay down with her in bed to feed her...and try to at least rest my tired eyes. Leon comes in...food's done I'm sure...he kisses me on the forehead and heads back out. I'm sure he's relieved I seem to be sleeping. Baby needs the other side...I turn over. Baby needs to burp...I start writing a blog. Leon comes in again and sees I'm up. He takes the baby so I can go eat. I'm in the bathroom finishing this instead. And then I'm blow drying my hair. I don't care that whatever food he made (that I'm in no mood to eat anymore) is getting cold.
So...yeah "baby blues" I've got them alright.
But you'd be surprised that even through the tears, when I look down at my little angel I can't help but smile. And maybe make a little half sob, half laugh.
- Cory (from the phone)
