It's amazing how little I've cried in the past nearly eleven months. But I cried today...and normally my "today" wouldn't have started for another four hours...
I'm over this pregnancy though. I'm in constant pain, I can't move without being in pain, I can't lie still or sit in one spot without something hurting. And it's been like this from day one. It was barely a month in when the nausea started...and it's never stopped...not a single day. I've been on medication for it...and that's helped...but once it wears off, it comes back. I could sit here and make a list of all the pains this pregnancy has caused...and it might help to vent...but those aren't the reasons I cried today...one time out of a handful of times in nearly a year. And keep in mind I am pregnant, and for the past 8 1/2 months I've been under a lot of stress and emotional and hormonal...and yet...I've had no real reason to cry.
I've been so happy. I've been so lucky to find someone I love so much and who I know loves me so much. The past almost-year has been the best one of my life and I'm so thankful, I'm so lucky, and I'm so happy. So I haven't cried. I haven't had reason to. I have a rock who always makes everything better. Whatever might make me sad, he's always there for me, always a reason to feel better, to stay strong. Until last night.
As I've said I'm severely pregnant and at this point unhappily so. And that alone sucks. On top of everything I also have to feel bad about feeling so bad, and not wanting to be doing this anymore...I really don't want to be doing this anymore...and that feeling sucks. And I'm nervous and on edge and scared even. Scared that it's all too much and I can't make it another day...emotionally...physically. I'm in so much pain and it's wearing on my soul. I need to be told it's ok for me to hate this, to be supported no matter what I might say trying to deal with even one more minute of this torture...not told not to think it, or not to say it. That I'll be fine, I'm strong, it's not so bad, it won't be long now. No one else is living this nightmare that I'm living...unable to function without pain, unable to feel human...even for a second. Just having my body used and seriously abused and my existence high-jacked for the past eight and a half months.
This pregnancy has been so incredibly hard, Eva was nothing compared to this, luckily this time I have the support I need to get me through this...to lift me up when I'm sure I can't stand for one more minute of it. But I needed that times a thousand last night...and instead I was told not to feel. I was told I was wrong to feel how I do...and then, after about an hour and a half of sleep I was given a kiss, not even a goodbye...and I'll be alone for the rest of the day. Actually...I won't be alone, I have both the girls. I can't even stop to wallow in my emotional wreckage because I have to be strong for them. Make food, entertain, get everyone ready and over to the doctor for my appointment, and probably even have to deal with the bedtime mess on my own tonight...of every day for the past eight months today had to be the day for this. If I survive today I'll survive it all...but I can tell you now...this won't be the only time I cry today...wish me luck.
- Cory (from the phone)
